The Good and Angry Marriage
Recognising that anger is inevitable in marriage and that there are Godly principles we can practice to manage anger and have good marriages.
“You used to be MADLY IN LOVE, but now you’re JUST MAD. You used to see so much good in each other; but now you can barely see beyond the things that irritate you? Instead of enjoying a loving relationship, you’re now living in an angry marriage. And that is the last place you want to be!
So, how can you balance the good and the angry parts of your marriage relationship? There’s no doubt that sometimes you will get angry with each other. But it doesn’t have to erase your ability to see the “good” in each other.
After the wedding and “newness” of the relationship eventually wears off, differing habits and ways of approaching life, then become glaringly noticeable. This is only natural and these issues HAVE to be addressed so you can live peacefully together; but the problem is HOW to address these issues without damaging your relationship. THAT’S where most couples get into trouble. And that’s why they live in an angry marriage.
But you can make a “good” approach even though you’re angry but you just have to know “how to” once you have the “heart to” do it and you have to apply it.
Dealing with Angry Marriage Issues
There are a few principles listed below that can help our marriages from living in an angry marriage to a loving, healthy one.
1. Be RESPECTFUL in how you deal with each other.
The reason you do this is NOT necessarily because he or she deserves it. It is because God’s word tells us to do so. Don’t apply the faulty reasoning of treating your wife or husband with respect when you feel their actions are worthy of your respect. You are to treat your husband/wife with respect “as unto the Lord” —not as unto his behavior. He or she was created in the image of God (even if they don’t act like it) and we are to be mindful of that. No matter how your husband or wife treats you, that doesn’t mean our words or actions have to also be demeaning. We can be stern; and yet we can still be respectful. We don’t have to dole out or return “unwholesome talk.” (See: Ephesians 4:29.).
That means we are to say things in respectful manners. We don’t excuse or ignore their disrespectful behavior, but we don’t have to return it.
2. Remember: your spouse is not your enemy.
You may not like what your spouse is doing or saying. But he or she is still not your enemy. Please keep that in perspective. When you want to blast, instead, it may help to try a little kindness. We know that’s difficult to consider; but it can sometimes bring better results in an angry marriage situation. Remember what we’re told; the Bible says:
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
“The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of a ruler of fools.” (Ecclesiastes 9:17)
“When we are cursed, we bless. When we are persecuted, we endure it. And when we are slandered, we answer kindly.” (1 Corinthians 4:12-13).
God’s “ways” may not be our ways of approaching matters, but they are wise. Again, your spouse is not your enemy; don’t treat him/her as such. This could very well turn your relationship around in a positive direction. And if it doesn’t, you are still honoring God.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)
3. Don’t be quick to jump into an argument when you’re angry.
Sometimes we can become too reactionary to something our spouse says or does. And then, out of anger, we attack! Remember: “A fool gives full vent to his anger; but a wise man keeps himself under control.” (Proverbs 29:11). Sometimes we allow anger to lead us to say things we shouldn’t. Instead, we need to learn when to “take a break.” Afterwards, we can revisit the problem after a time away from our spouses. That gives us the opportunity to cool down first. During such time we ask the Lord to help us sort out our thoughts so they are healthy since we need to be wise in our responses. It may prolong the conflict when taking a break but it’s for a good reason since it gives us time to line up our words and emotions so they don’t escalate into ungodliness.
4. Be aware that conflict is normal.
Any two people in a very close relationship should expect that there WILL BE conflict. And while we don’t set out to irritate or offend, it is bound to happen. Accepting conflicts as a fact of life helps us deal with it better. Plus, it’s important to remember that conflicts are not destructive in themselves. It’s the way we handle them that determines how destructive they may become. I’ve heard it said that if we handle conflicts well, we tend to draw closer to each other. And we have found that to be so very true. We hope you will experience this in your marriage too.
5. Be honest with one another.
Ephesians 4:25 says, “Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully…” Frankly, this is an area most spouses have struggled with because being transparent can be painful at times. It isn’t easy to accept others’ feelings, especially when they reveal our failures and weaknesses. We may have to continually work at keeping a wall from being built between us which blocks open (and honest) communication. Spouses must work to build bridges to better communication, rather than walls of contention. This takes intentionality and a never-ending commitment to this mission.
6. When you encounter conflict, remember to take it to the Lord.
Take every marital concern to the Lord. It works out better if you take it to Him first (you can avoid a lot of tension that way); but if not, don’t hesitate to take it to the Lord afterward. The principles for loving each other well, are the principles for living that God wants to teach us. God tells us in His Word:
“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11)
I pray therefore, that you will conduct yourselves in wisdom and overlook offenses when it’s possible. If not, I pray you will apply yourself to resolving your conflicts in godly ways. I encourage you, in all of your conflicts, to look to the Lord to help you “conduct yourself” in Christlike ways.
May yours be a grace-based marriage! And may God bless your marriages all the more as you apply these Godly principles.
Peter Mugi Kuruga - Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist
Peter Mugi is a qualified Family Therapist, based in Kasarani, Nairobi, Kenya.
With a commitment to mental health, Mr Kuruga provides services in English and Kiswahili, including Counselling (Career), Counselling (Divorce), Counselling (Family), Counselling (Marriage), Individual and Couple Therapy, Marriage and Family Therapist Associate, Mediation, Online Counselling / Phone Therapy, Relationship Counselling and Stress Management.
Mr Kuruga has expertise in Addiction (Drugs and Substances), Adolescent Counselling, Behavioural and Emotional Problems, Bereavement and Loss, Divorce and/or Separation, Family Problems, Parenting Issues, Pre-Marital Counselling, Relationships and Marriage Problems and Suicide Ideation / Survivor.
Click here to schedule a session with Mr Kuruga.
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