Being Kind and Compassionate in Marriage
Kindness and compassion are vital to the health of a marriage relationship. What the Apostle Paul wrote (Ephesians 4:32) as a mandate to Christians in general applies to all, especially to married couples.
kindness and compassion are often desired and forgotten in the dailiness of marriage. Life gets busy. We may answer our spouse sharply. We don’t have the time or patience for their burdens because we have enough of our own. “Just pull it together and keep moving!” is what our attitude expresses. Instead of building our marriage in little ways each day, we slowly dismantle the relationship we need to cherish the most. The qualities of kindness and compassion are vital to the health of a marriage relationship. What the Apostle Paul wrote (Ephesians 4:32) as a mandate to Christians, in general, applies to all, especially to married couples.
Here are a few reminders for how to build your marriage with kindness and compassion
Kindness
Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” Whatever “too late” means, no one wants to experience it! Kindness is a product of a life that is yielded to God’s Spirit (see Galatians 5:22-23). It should be injected into as many interactions as possible with your spouse throughout each day.
Your smile is contagious
Train your face to smile at your spouse. Smiles reduce tension, exude acceptance, and radiate peace. And the loss of the smile has a significant effect on the health of your marriage.
Based on a Swedish study, if you smile at someone they will naturally smile back. If they don’t, then they are making a conscious effort to frown. So, when you smile more, your spouse will smile more and on it goes. You could ignite a smile-fest in your marriage over time!
The Bible says “A cheerful look brings joy to the heart” (Proverbs 15:30). Your face has the ability to inject hope and happiness into your mate’s life without saying a word. A gentle look or a quick playful grin is sometimes all your spouse needs from you.
You feel better
When you smile you release serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins—neurotransmitters that create feelings of happiness and feeling good. As one author writes, “Each time you smile you throw a little feel-good party in your brain.” In fact, British researchers have found that one smile can generate the same level of brain stimulation as 2,000 bars of chocolate!
Mother Teresa said, “I will never understand all the good that a simple smile can accomplish.” The good it can do in your marriage will be more than you can grasp, and you can start smiling right now as you build your marriage!
Gentleness
Is your tone of voice harsh and abrupt? Are you argumentative and challenging? Your gentleness should be evident to your spouse (Philippians 4:5). Gentleness toward God will yield gentleness toward our spouse. It’s not “sexy,” or creative or insightful. But it’s a basic, foundational, and inescapable truth for our marriage. It’s your choice. You can be aggressive and rebellious to God’s design for you and your marriage or submissive. The marriage that has God’s blessing and empowerment will be the one where each spouse seeks to honour Him.
When your spouse has insights or suggestions, how do you respond? By being open to your spouse’s insights, suggestions, and wisdom you are displaying gentleness toward them. This doesn’t mean you have to accept or agree with what is being offered, but the manner in which you listen and regard their opinion matters. Remember: your spouse is God’s gift to you to complete you. Their opinions are to be treasured and weighed sincerely.
Patience
Your patience is an expression of grace to your spouse. If you are unsure if you are patient with your spouse–ask them. (And wait patiently for their answer!)
Courtesy
Simply saying “please” and “thank you” are kindnesses often overlooked in marriage. Defer to each other’s preferences whenever possible, too. When our marriage lacks courtesy, it’s like sowing weeds and chemicals into our relationship. It isn’t healthy, it gets choked, and slowly the love and romance begin to wilt. Bringing courtesy into our marriage infuses our relationship with respect. It displays how we honor our spouse in front of our children
Respect
Respect is often expressed through our words. Sarcasm or demeaning comments slowly slice away at our spouse’s heart. Be honoring and affirming as you talk to them. Speak well of them around others as well. When your spouse is talking to you, give them your fullest attention. Allowing text messages to interrupt your spouse dishonors them. It says that whatever random person chooses to send you a message at their leisure is more important than what your spouse has to say. It sends a subtle non-text message to your spouse that what they have to say isn’t important to you. Giving your full attention cultivates romance.
Honesty
Telling the truth to your spouse in love shows kindness and builds trust. We’ve seen couples think they were being kind while not being honest with each other—to the ultimate peril of their marriage.
Love tells the truth and the truth must be told in love. The irony in trying to keep the peace in marriage by not telling the truth is that you actually LOSE the relationship you are trying to preserve! It is only in telling the truth with love to your spouse that you are drawn together and are connected intimately. And as you do so, remember that truth in marriage is always to be spoken with love and respect for one’s spouse.
Compassion
Compassion means to suffer or feel with someone else. It’s more than empathy or sympathy. Compassion identifies with the pain someone else is experiencing and seeks to bring relief. In marriage, compassion requires openness by the one who is hurting and sensitivity by the one providing care. You can be compassionate through your:
Thoughtfulness
When you identify pain in your spouse’s life, ask if they want to talk about it. Then simply listen. Ask questions. Don’t minimize or discredit their hurt. Ask if they want to talk or are looking for solutions. Sometimes all they need is a shoulder to cry or lean on. It’s been said that “A shared burden is half a burden.” You can provide that for your spouse.
Timing
Some people need time alone to process and regroup before interacting. Don’t force your desire to be compassionate when your spouse isn’t ready. That isn’t being compassionate.
Tenderness
Remember that your spouse is hurting, so treat their burden with care and respect.
Touch
Sometimes a gentle touch on the shoulder, hand, or leg can communicate more than words. Be sensitive to your mate’s receptivity to touch as some spouses prefer not to be touched when hurting. Research has however shown that the more couples touch each other, the greater their experience of marital satisfaction. It communicates value and worth. It provides a non-verbal connection that can communicate a variety of different emotions. In fact, in 2009 a DePauw University psychologist clinically demonstrated that we can communicate up to eight distinct emotions through touch.
By simply walking past your spouse and touching their back, you help them connect with you. Reaching over to hold their hand communicates love. Hugging good-bye increases your mate’s longing for you in your absence. Holding each other for a moment in the press of a busy day simply says, “I’m glad we’re doing life together.”
Start today by practising kindness and compassion in your marriage. It will open the doors to greater love and connection as you build your marriage.
Peter Mugi Kuruga | Marriage and Family Therapist
Peter Mugi is a qualified Family Therapist, based in Kasarani, Nairobi, Kenya.
With a commitment to mental health, Mr Kuruga provides services in English and Kiswahili, including Counselling (Career), Counselling (Divorce), Counselling (Family), Counselling (Marriage), Individual and Couple Therapy, Marriage and Family Therapist Associate, Mediation, Online Counselling / Phone Therapy, Relationship Counselling and Stress Management.
Mr Kuruga has expertise in Addiction (Drugs and Substances), Adolescent Counselling, Behavioural and Emotional Problems, Bereavement and Loss, Divorce and/or Separation, Family Problems, Parenting Issues, Pre-Marital Counselling, Relationships and Marriage Problems and Suicide Ideation / Survivor.
Click here to schedule a session with Mr Kuruga.
Important:
TherapyRoute does not provide medical advice. All content is for informational purposes and cannot replace consulting a healthcare professional. If you face an emergency, please contact a local emergency service. For immediate emotional support, consider contacting a local helpline.
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