A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT A 50/50 DEAL.

It’s important to note that couples may start their love story as a 50/50 relationship, but the reality of marriage changes that. And so, does God! “Whether we realize it or not, most of our friendships operate according to a 50/50 plan: ‘You do your part, and I’ll do mine.’ If the friendship is lopsided—if one person is giving far more effort to it than the other—the relationship probably won’t last long. Would you want to spend time with someone who doesn’t show the same interest in you?

“And I suppose it’s natural to apply this 50/50 plan to a marriage. On the surface it seems to make sense: Would you want to stay married to someone who isn’t putting the same amount of time and effort into the relationship? The problem is that marriage is different from a friendship. When you get married, you make a vow to God that you will remain committed to each other, no matter what. And if you try to keep a relationship like that going with the 50/50 plan, it doesn’t work.

The Lord has personally shown us that marriage is often lopsided where one spouse puts more effort into making the marriage work than the other does. But eventually (and prayerfully), it flip flops in the other direction. The other spouse puts in more effort in a different way.

It’s the Ecclesiastes 4 Biblical principle where “two are better than one.” When one falls, the other “will lift up” the other. We all need help sometimes.

A 50/50 relationship implies that you are keeping score of every deed you do. Everything you do in the marriage you expect him or her to reciprocate in some way. This creates a ‘you owe me’ attitude which eventually translates to one being angry when it doesn’t happen. We just need to understand that we do as much as we can for each other without a record of doing. A relationship is not about keeping tabs. It’s about helping your partner in areas they are weak in.”

If your marriage functions well under the 50/50 principle, then yours is one of the rare ones. Most often something comes along to mess up that equation. And then what do you do? Do you feed your “happiness” to such an extent that you give up on the marriage, “cut your losses” (as many people say), and go in separate directions? The answer would be no! Throughout the Bible, we’re told to “go the extra mile,” “serve one another,” “die to self,” and “submit to one another.” We are to “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” So, when you put the 50/50 proposition up against what it says in God’s Word, you can see that there’s no 50/50 equation involved.

Many couples enter into marriage with a 50/50 mindset, whether they recognize it or not. And at first glance it looks like a reasonable system: the husband and wife each give half, compromising their efforts, responsibilities, and needs so that they meet in the middle. The 50/50 split appeals to many couples because it is fair, it attracts us because it makes a relationship equal. But the truth is no one ever really gives their half. We may think we’re giving our 50%, and our spouse thinks he/she is putting forth the same. But instead, we both offer more like 30% and suddenly there’s a gap in our marriage. We keep a tally of the ‘selfless’ tasks we’ve done for our spouses, but we are blind to the extra miles they have gone for us. We begin demanding that they give their half, convinced that we deserve it. And instead of ‘meeting halfway’ our giving becomes conditional.

We learn the hard way that it’s difficult to divide a marital house in half. It’s not sustainable. The 50/50 plan can work for a while, but not over the long run. Events and attitudes happen that just won’t allow that type of deal to stay constant for the rest of our lives. And if we don’t adjust, our marriage relationship eventually breaks down.

“It is impossible to determine if your spouse has met you halfway because neither of you can agree on where halfway is, each is left to scrutinize the other’s performance from a jaded, often selfish perspective. Many times, in a marriage, both partners are busy, overworked, and feel taken for granted. The real question isn’t, ‘who faced the most pressure that day?’ The important issue is, ‘how do you build oneness and teamwork instead of keeping score and waiting for the other person to meet you halfway?’” (Dennis Rainey, from his Family Life article, “Super Glue Your Marriage”)

“We have to get over this idea that we each put in half the effort and think of marriage more like 100/100. We each jump in and dedicate ourselves to making the marriage great. The more you do that, the more benefits you’ll receive. One woman wrote: ‘Marriage isn’t always a 50/50 deal. Most days it is 60/40 or even 80/20. It all depends. BUT being married means meeting that other person wherever they are at that time. The more you tend your marriage the more it will flourish. You absolutely need to be totally selfless at times for it to work.

“The problem with holding up fairness and equality as the main measuring sticks for a good marriage is that it turns what should be a partnership into a contest. Scorekeeping soon becomes the major pastime of the relationship.

“…Unfortunately, when you constantly fight for your part of the marital pie, pushing for your rights, agendas, fair share and expectations, you end up hurting your marriage. Even if you win, you actually lose. You lose intimacy in your relationship. You lose the joy of giving freely to another. Plus, you lose the delight found in simply delighting the one you love. And you lose the atmosphere of respect and honor in your marriage.” (Scott Means)

“The 100/100 Plan allows for the inevitable trials and difficulties that any couple will encounter during the different seasons of life. It keeps a family going when one spouse is sick, injured, or working odd hours, and is therefore unable to contribute as much. It allows for the richness of a relationship in which each spouse complements the other because of differing strengths, personalities, and abilities. In short, it’s the plan that provides the best picture of a biblical marriage.” (Dave Boehi from his article, “Why the 50/50 Plan Won’t Work in Marriage”).

Compiled by

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist