Nine C’s That Can Kill a Marriage
1. Comparison, 2. Criticism, 3 , Carelessness, 4. Complacency, 5. Cynicism, 6. Craftiness, 7. Curtness, 8. Clinging, 9. Controlling,
There are so many things in life that destroy a marriage these days. While some come from the outside, yet so many of the variables come from within. I have observed that these 9 C’s are things that can cripple or even kill your marriage.
1. Comparison
When we start comparing our spouses “Why can’t you be more like so-and-so?” or “Why can’t we be more like that couple?” we are setting ourselves up for failure. Most of us have seen a couple that we may have truly admired go through a really nasty divorce later. While most couples have what they like to show in public, we must remember, everyone has issues and challenges in their marriages.
2. Criticism
While constructive criticism can be helpful, even healthy, in a marriage, it has to be given sparingly and with great care and love. When criticisms become the mainstay of communication in our marriage, it only tears us down. It does not build up. We must always compare our compliment-to-criticism ratio and endeavor to ensure our compliments are far greater than criticism.
3. Carelessness
Careless words can’t be taken back once they are spoken. Careless words to your spouse, or about your spouse to others, can be very devastating. And careless attitudes toward relationships with others outside your marriage can lead to all kinds of pain and suffering.
4. Complacency
Complacency (being very pleased with ourselves or feeling like we don’t need to do anything about a situation, even though the situation may be uncertain or dangerous) in marriage can lead to loneliness, bitterness, and indifference. It can cause the slow and painful death of a relationship. We must therefore never assume our partners but rather always act when called upon to do so on any matters concerning them.
5. Cynicism
Cynicism can develop over a long period of time. Sometimes it starts by assuming the best but being repeatedly disappointed by each other. Other times, it creeps up on us until we are finding ourselves constantly assuming the worst. When we grow cynical, we unfairly make it impossible for our spouses to surprise us, delight us, or demonstrate growth that would be healthy for our marriages.
6. Craftiness
If one spouse is constantly deceiving the other or is manipulating circumstances for personal gain or to get the upper hand in the relationship, the marriage is in trouble. Craftiness can be the manipulation of things big or small.
7. Curtness
Are you curt or courteous to your spouse? When we are harsh, abrupt, or rude to our spouses, it can really leave them feeling devalued. And when your spouse sees you being courteous to everyone around you except for him or her, it conveys that you care about your relationship with nearly everyone else more than with your spouse.
8. Clinging
When we rely solely on our spouses for our happiness, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. This is because all people will eventually disappoint us in some way and your spouse should not be made to feel like he or she has to carry the burden of always making you happy. Naturally, marriage is designed to provide a great deal of happiness and fulfilment, but it cannot be the only source of happiness. Apart from your spouse, generate happiness from family, friends and the community while recognising that the only one who can give us ultimate joy in life is God.
9. Controlling
Control is an illusion, but it is such an addictive one. A controlling person is often not only disturbing but also selfish. And when one spouse tries to control the other, the life in the relationship can start to fade away. Trust and freedom in marriage are absolutely vital.
Did you notice that there is one big “C” that is NOT on this list? That C is conflict. All the other C’s above are never good. However, while Conflict can be damaging to a marriage as well, it can also help a marriage grow. Since conflict is unavoidable in marriage, what matters is how we respond to and handle it.
Peter Mugi Kuruga - Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist
Peter Mugi is a qualified Family Therapist, based in Kasarani, Nairobi, Kenya.
With a commitment to mental health, Mr Kuruga provides services in English and Kiswahili, including Counselling (Career), Counselling (Divorce), Counselling (Family), Counselling (Marriage), Individual and Couple Therapy, Marriage and Family Therapist Associate, Mediation, Online Counselling / Phone Therapy, Relationship Counselling and Stress Management.
Mr Kuruga has expertise in Addiction (Drugs and Substances), Adolescent Counselling, Behavioural and Emotional Problems, Bereavement and Loss, Divorce and/or Separation, Family Problems, Parenting Issues, Pre-Marital Counselling, Relationships and Marriage Problems and Suicide Ideation / Survivor.
Click here to schedule a session with Mr Kuruga.
Important:
TherapyRoute does not provide medical advice. All content is for informational purposes and cannot replace consulting a healthcare professional. If you face an emergency, please contact a local emergency service. For immediate emotional support, consider contacting a local helpline.
Find a Therapist
Find skilled psychologists, psychiatrists, and counsellors near you.
