The 5 Relationship C’s

Renowned therapist Esther Perel has said, “The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships…”. Yet, our intimate relationship takes the back seat to other life stressors for many of us. Deprioritizing one of our closest relationships is an oversight, as our relational wellness is connected to our overall wellness. Those stressors will pour into other parts of our lives if we are in a struggling intimate partnership.

Beyond that, disconnecting leads to more communication issues and relationship challenges. Many couples are unsure where to start working on a relationship after it’s been neglected for too long. Here, I summarize some relationship insights from inside and outside the therapy room in the form of the five relationship Cs. The five C’s reflect essential relationship components for a thriving relationship.

#1 Commitment

If I’m unsure whether I’m in or out of a relationship, every time I’m mentally or emotionally out of it, I’m working against it. Commitment is beyond fidelity. Commitment also refers to the general intention of valuing the relationship. In all actions, holding intentions for the partnership's best interest, including within communication and compromise.

For example, we are committed to choosing the relationship over an argument or to engaging in compromise, which may mean not getting exactly what we want. Commitment is vital. Here's a quick question we can ask ourselves: do our thoughts and actions reflect our commitment to the relationship? If not, how can we adjust?

#2 Connection

It’s important to remember we’re not alone in our relationship. If we’re feeling alone, it’s a flag that reconnection is needed. The “to-do’s” and tasks of life can become like fog over the ties that bind a relationship. Clearing the air and remembering the connection to our partner can help us challenge any negative thoughts and feelings that disconnection may have fostered.

When we feel disconnected, fond memories and aspects we love about our partner may become tainted by present stress and negative interactions. Cultivating fondness and admiration for our partner can help with reconnection. Getting to know each other again (updating "love maps") and working on fondness are the first two principles of Dr. John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

#3 Compassion

Having compassion and being caring and kind in a relationship sounds like a given, but it can become difficult for many. If we feel hurt, resentful, or disconnected, for example, we’re not likely going to be able to be compassionate to a person with whom we associate these emotions. When a relationship has been neglected, I often see people having compassion for those outside the relationship yet lacking it for their partner. This frequently does further damage, interrupting connection and communication.

In couples counselling, I often talk about “unboxing” each other, attempting to see our partner with fresh eyes. This means putting aside our current stresses, disagreements, labels we’ve perhaps placed on them (ex. ignorant, irrational, over-emotional, etc.), assumptions of who we think they are and how we think they would respond to us. When in doubt with compassion, come back to ask, are we being kind?

#4 Communication

Couples often come to therapy wanting help communicating. However, without the above C’s, communication will be hit-and-miss. At the foundation of communication is the commitment to try to understand each other, being willing to speak up instead of holding in, and listening instead of defending. Fostering connection and compassion will support healthy communication and make room for natural miscommunications.

Yes, many techniques and practical strategies support communication, but none is more important than working at the foundational C's.

#5 Compromise

Compromise is essential for any healthy relationship. If we are unwilling to compromise, we contribute to resentment and relationship dissatisfaction. Compromise requires respecting that our partner’s wants, wishes, and dreams are important to them while honouring our own. The latter being of equal importance. If we neglect to voice our wants, needs, etc., we may contribute to our resentment or contempt.

These five C’s are frequent topics in couple counselling regardless of the issue bringing the couple in. Paying attention to these five concepts in our relationships can help create small adjustments that make all the difference.