3 Common Relationship Changes When Parenting a New Baby or Young Child(ren)

It’s understood that becoming parents changes a relationship. Some of those changes are great, and many will agree are worth every bit of the hard stuff. However, when stuck in the hard stuff, it doesn’t feel so great, and it can get really hard. This is stuff that most parents experience at some time or another; however, may not always speak of. As with most roles we take on, there’s expectations, social pressure, and internal and external narratives that work to convince us not to expose the parts of ourselves needing support. These constructs negatively impact the mental health/well-being of all subscribing to them, as well as those around them.

Shedding light on things that don’t get spoken of can lead to healing and hope. This includes exploring the other side of parenting, the part about our relationship with our partner. For family wellness, taking the time to consider our relationship, is as important as any parenting book or article we may read. The relationship between us & our partner is the foundation for our child/ren. Finding our relationship stride, while parenting is no easy feat. Here, I’m shedding insight & offering tips related to 3 common relationship changes when parenting a new baby / young child(ren).

1. Feeling the extremes (Love and Hate)

Feeling extremes toward our partner is common in general but can be heightened when adjusting to a new baby or parenting young kids. There are many factors that create this dynamic; the important part is to know it happens. Something as simple as, seeing pictures of happy families on social media or when others talk lovingly about their partner can increase feelings of resentment, hurt and discontent with our own relationships. We must try to take what we see/hear with a grain of salt and be mindful that us, too, may share the positive relationship aspects without the struggle.

Some factors that contribute to the fluctuation of extremes include:

• Comparisons: In our relational low points, our view may be skewed to seeing everyone else’s highlights without the ability to be mindful that it’s just a glimpse in. Comparisons hurt us and our relationship. The time spent comparing can be used to focus on fostering love within, gratitude, and self-care, something that fills us instead of depletes.

• Hello hormones: Postpartum, hormones are trying to find their way. There is an entirely new normal to be found, and it’s a process. Mindfulness and gentleness with self and others during this process is essential.

• Exhaustion: Many parents will comment that no book can prepare them for the depths of exhaustion that goes along with the early stages of parenthood. Sleep issues not only affect parents individually but can also become a point of resentment. Further, when we are tired, we tend to be more irritable, along with other feelings that can vary from person to person. The exhaustion that comes with parenting a new baby/young child(ren), is NOT conducive to effective communication. From no communication to miscommunication to glimmers of seeing our partner as our ally in that exhaustion, love/hate happens.

• The “to do” lists: Parenting a new baby/young child(ren) creates lots of big and little “to do’s”. It’s a perpetual to-do list, that gets more added to it than crossed out daily. This is bound to create friction, feelings of one person not doing their fair share, or holding their the weight in the parenting mental load. In therapy, I often remind couples of the impossibility of the expectations on parents and encourage viewing our partners as holding a shared purpose with us, with both doing the very best they can.

2. Less Sex

With a culmination of the factor’s contributing to love/hate, and practical considerations such as, vaginal healing, time for sex, and changes in desire/arousal levels, sex lives shift when parenting a new baby/young child(ren). It’s helpful to remember that less sex doesn’t have to mean less intimacy, and less doesn’t mean there can’t be quality.

Some tips for finding new ways of connection and fostering intimacy include:

• Witnessing our partner parent. With the love we have for our child(ren), we can deepen affection for our partner when we take a loving stance of witnessing them, parent. It’s important to note we can take a critical lens for this observation, or we can choose a loving lens. We each adjust to the parenting role differently. We can choose to side-line any critiques/judgement and witness the love, care, and attentiveness present in a manner that increases the admiration for our partner.

• Touch: Loving touch is often available and can easily be foreplay to something more. However, loving touch given with no option for sex can be just as, if not more meaningful, as it’s affection given just because. Offering some of this may get you back some. Talking about the meaning and significance of this can help you figure out how it fits you. For couples really struggling with their sex life, where a partner rejects or feels rejected by the initiation of touch, we may discuss taking a step back and starting with making touch feel safe again before there is more sensual touch.

• Kiss: Kisses can range from peck to full-on. All kinds of kisses can have their place in increasing intimacy. There is something special to be said about a surprise, passionate kiss, or a peck, we allow to be turned into a full kiss.

• Find new ways: Sex while parenting a baby or young child(ren) may require creativity. Being open to a when the stars align, go for it approach can be helpful but can also add to the fun. Being open is the big part here, often, we get caught up in how things are supposed to be. We may need to explore different times of day/night to have sex than before kids. We may find ourselves thinking, “I feel gross”, “I’m tired”, or “ugh not now”, and a barrage of other thoughts that result in no sex. However, being open to it when the opportunity arises can help fight some of those thoughts through positive experiences, build intimacy and quality. As our relationship deepens and life gets busier, many of us go from spontaneous arousal to more responsive arousal (needing more stimulus to feel aroused). If we reject touch early on, we may miss out on enjoyable, stress-reducing, oxytocin (bonding chemical) inducing sex.

Many parents talk about having a sense of losing themselves after kids. Embracing our sexual selves, feeling desired sexually and knowing that we can still have awesome sex, can not only boost confidence at a time where it may struggle, but reconnect us with our individual self beyond out new parent role. Note that both men and women can struggle with sexual shifts after baby/kid(s), including shifts in sex drive and confidence.

3. Less face-to-face time

When life is as full as it can be while parenting a new baby/young child(ren), less face-to-face time with our partner can be a given.

Here are a few ways to help get the most of time available:

• Take care of yourself first: As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Our self-care impacts our relationship with our partner and our children. When we are agitated, our loved ones feel that, and when we are clear minded they feel that too. It’s been said a million times in the wellness /mental health community, self-care isn’t selfish! When we take care of ourselves first and later connect with others, it’s with a full self instead of depleted. When the day goes parenting- work-parenting-partner, our partner gets the worst version of us and we may feel like we aren’t giving enough on all fronts. If there’s some self-care in there, what our partner receives is a version of us that’s primed for better communication/ connection. This also would positively impact the other realms of our life too. Self-care is more efficient, effective and sustainable than trying to “power through”.

• Double team it when you can: Tag teaming is useful, but parenting can get lonely. A common complaint I hear is that the other parent has “no idea about x”, if we double team tasks when feasible, like cooking dinner, bath time, sweeping etc., we offer more opportunities to see and embody that we’re in it together.

• Mindful engagement: When we do engage with our partners, do it in a mindful way. Remembering that mindfulness is about bringing awareness to the current experience with acceptance and non-judgment. As we pay attention to our partners, are we resisting, are we caught up in our own feelings/thoughts, are we judging, evaluating or just experiencing? Mindfully engaging helps us to see more of each other and can enhance fondness/admiration and even affection.

• Gottman’s 6hr/week: Dr John Gottman is a leader in the field of relationship study. His research has found that engaging 6hrs/week with our partners can contribute to the difference between a lasting relationship and one that ends. He notes small changes couples can make that can lead to a healthier relationship. I often remind clients that they know their lives best, including limitations, so some things noted within the 6hrs, may need adjustment, such as instead of 2/hr week for a date night, could an hour or 20mins of quality time work.

Being aware of these 3 relationship changes, can help adjust our relationship to parenting a new baby/young child(ren). Knowing these changes are common can support shedding blame/shame, internally and toward our partner. We can further use the content discussed to side-step or recover when finding ourselves struggling with some of these in our relationship.