MARRIAGE : AN OUTRAGEOUS COMMITTMENT

Anyone married for any length soon realizes that maintaining a successful marriage requires far more than we were ever led to believe. It demands more than love, sincerity, compatibility, effective communication, or hard work. It requires more than a good upbringing, a romantic disposition, a willingness to listen, or an abundance of 'quality time.' These elements alone are insufficient to unite two imperfect people for a lifetime. (Dr. Ronn Elmore) Consequently, the commitment to marriage can seem overwhelming.

So, why does the commitment to marriage feel so daunting? And how can we build a successful marriage given its challenges?

We've given this a lot of thought because we genuinely believe that preserving the sanctity of marriage requires an extraordinary commitment. Sometimes, it pushes us beyond what we ever imagined possible! Yet, the reward is immense as we overcome our various trials. It becomes even more gratifying when we emerge from these challenges,, our relationship stronger and our lives more enriched. As the Bible says, “But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!”

We label something as outrageous when its benefits are not immediately apparent, yet we are still called to pursue it. Unconditional love seems outrageous when the recipient has done nothing to earn it or when it demands more from us than we are willing to give. Even a simple act, like a kiss, can seem like an extravagant gesture after our partner has broken a promise or ignored our requests. Somehow, we have come to believe that love is a finite resource that can be exhausted.

Yet, our souls crave something lofty and pure. We seek a love that transforms ordinary marriages into extraordinary ones, makes struggling marriages as enduring as granite, and revives dead marriages. Despite all our logical arguments against it, self-sacrifice is the aspect of love that most vividly mirrors God's immense love for us. In essence, marriage is a living representation for the world to witness of Christ’s love for His church. It is an extraordinary type of love and commitment, but it is very real. Our hearts yearn for this kind of love to be manifested in our lives.

Sacrificing our own interests for the sake of another person disarms our inclination towards self-centeredness. Making grand vows to each other requires minimal effort. However, keeping those vows demands all your strength and much more. This is not achieved through strict adherence to rules but through a willing embrace of selfless sacrifice. You may have already shown outrageous commitment without realizing it. Whenever this commitment is present, it will manifest itself in abundantly practical, observable ways, such as:

• You wake up each morning and choose once again to give your best today, regardless of what happened yesterday.

• Deciding to continue discussing and planning for your future together can seem outrageous, but you do it even when the present is difficult.

• You delay (or sacrifice altogether) the night out, the exciting vacation, the new car, or any long-awaited pleasure so that your partner can gain something infinitely more valuable.

• You give the one you love the space to be profoundly human, without fearing they will lose your devotion because of it.

• (Or like in my case) You express your feelings to your spouse but take the extra time and effort to phrase your desires as requests, not demands.

• An outrageous commitment involves making and keeping vows like these that go beyond mere marriage and establish holy matrimony.

We believe that God calls us to live this kind of sacrificial life together. However, to be "outrageously committed" to each other, we need to understand another point Elmore makes:

"In marriage, your self-sacrifice will not always be noticed, appreciated, or reciprocated. But it has the power to disarm our natural tendency toward passionate self-centeredness." In other words, we practice these principles not for recognition or reciprocation but to love our spouse as God commands and expects us to. As Elmore writes,

"The defining objective of your marriage is, and must ever remain, to know God’s extraordinary love and commitment to you and to imitate this commitment in loving each other." This is our mission in marriage, as we are instructed in the Bible:

"Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." (Ephesians 5:1-2)

Jesus Christ loves us so deeply that He sacrificed Himself for us. That is outrageous love! It is also the type of love we are to lavish upon our spouse. We do this as God's partners in loving them and demonstrating the heart of Christ in our marriage.

Peter Mugi Kuruga | Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist