Importance of Self-Reflection in Our Marriages

Self-reflection is the examination of our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours. It requires us to take responsibility for our actions and emotions and how they contribute to our marital relationships. This calls for self-awareness and honesty, which may be difficult but important for our healing and growth.

It’s through self-reflection that partners learn how to recognize their own emotions and wants and how to express them to their partners, building trust and start to work towards the same goals.

We all go through times when we are frustrated with our spouse’s behaviour in our lives together, but it’s equally good to consider how easy or difficult it is to be married to us. This gives a more realistic view of the total picture of our marriages.

It's normal for us to keep complaining about our spouse’s behaviour without putting ourselves in the picture. Are we easy partners to live with ourselves, and do we ever examine what we contribute to our marriages?

Drs Les and Leslie observed that when we are willing to examine and push ourselves to become a better person, friends and spouses, we eventually become better individuals and partners. This self-examination is therefore important to all aspects of our lives and has a very positive impact to the health of our marriages.

When we reflect on our personal needs and the needs of the marriage, we identify areas that need self-care or relationship care, enabling us to prevent burnout and ensure that both spouses are supported. We, therefore, need to keep asking ourselves the following questions:

17 Questions to Gauge Your Self-reflection

• Have I tended to lecture or criticize him or her just like parents would scold a naughty child?

• If angry, do I shout out to the extent that he or she feels unfairly attacked? (This can lead to him or her closing down emotionally and failing to hear what we are saying).

• If am honest, have I shown others more love and better treatment than my partner?

• Have I been using sarcastic humour with my spouse publicly while he or she doesn’t think its funny making them feel humiliated?

• Is my spouse always complaining that I act as if am better than them and is it possible that deep down this is what I believe?

• Am I continuously bringing up things from the past yet he or she had already asked for forgiveness? (This leaves your spouse feeling hopeless of ever escaping past mistakes with you in spite of what he or she does).

• Do I lead a trustworthy life so that my spouse doesn’t fear that I am likely to violate their trust?

• Have I tried to be a peacemaker in my home? (If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone, Romans 12:18).

• Have I protected the dignity and feelings of my spouse as I interact with him or her both privately and in public?

• Do I tell others private matters concerning my spouse that he or she considers hurtful?

• Am I too serious a person that I no longer bring laughter and fun into our marriage like it used to be before marriage?

• Do I show my spouse that I am proud of him or her and value being married to them?

• Have I become a negative person to live with?

• Do I encourage and compliment my spouse?

• Do I receive my spouse's compliments positively, or do I make him or her feel dismissed?

• Do I offer grace when my spouse messes so that they can feel loved and accepted by me?

• Am I honestly trying to make our marriage better, and do my actions and words show that I am in partnership with him or her?

We, therefore, must continue working on making ourselves easier to live with and, where necessary, make adjustments as to how we interact in our marriage relationships. Your spouse may have many faults that you can point out, but let us be careful not to blame them for our mistakes.

Through self-reflection, we take responsibility for our actions and behaviours, accepting our personal faults and making amends so as to prevent the building up of any resentment. Where you recognize that you have done wrong, ask our Lord to help you resolve such issues and work to remove the “planks” that need removing. As the scripture says:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5).

Self-reflection makes each partner appreciate their own role in all relationship issues. It allows each partner to step back and appreciate how their behaviour or communication style may have contributed to problems in their marriage and while admitting fault can at times be difficult, it allows for more empathy and understanding between them.

Self-reflection helps couples to identify and break negative patterns in their marriages, such as defensiveness, stonewalling, or criticism, which at times may prevent the effective resolution of conflicts. Such couples objectively analyse conflicts and address the root causes and not just the symptoms, leading to constructive and lasting solutions.

When partners reflect on their own behaviour, they will notice when they are engaging in negative patterns and move to change them, leading to healthier and better communication in their marital relationship. In addition, regular self-reflection strengthens the marriage foundation as couples realign their goals, values and priorities, ensuring that the partners are on the same page and working towards a common future. The couples also start considering the reasons they initially chose their partners, and the positive aspects of their relationship help to increase the commitment and appreciation of their partners.

Finally, self-reflection leads to personal growth as one understands one's identity better and relooks at one's values, beliefs, and experiences, leading to increased self-esteem and confidence. This personal growth leads to more robust and more fulfilling relationships, with each partner becoming more self-aware and comfortable with themselves. This growth helps to build trust and even deepens intimacy, making the relationship a safe space in which the spouses talk openly and can be heard by their partners. Regular self-reflection also helps build more resilient relationships in which the spouses feel valued, understood, and connected.

Resources

Marriage.com - Offers tips and exercises to develop self-awareness, like journaling and mindfulness, and explores how self-reflection fosters personal growth and enhances intimacy in relationships.