Healthy Conflict in Marriage
Healthy Conflict … Do those two words belong together? Many people believe that a good marriage is free of conflict. However, that’s a misconception. Conflict is a natural part of marriage.
"Many spouses are surprised that marriage can generate more anger than any other relationship. When two people live together and are committed to growing closer, being vulnerable, and deepening intimacy, there is a significant potential for fear, hurt, frustration, and misunderstanding. This, in turn, creates a great potential for anger. The issue is not understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger and not knowing how to express anger in healthy ways." (Gary and Carrie Oliver).
We hold higher expectations for our spouses than others, so it shocks and deeply angers us when they hurt us as much as they do. However, we don’t have to remain surprised or angry. We can do better than that, but real intentional effort is required to learn how to manage conflict healthily.
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Secondly, to have a healthy conflict:
Remain focused on the issue at hand.
Avoid poking at those sensitive spots.
Postpone disagreements until you can discuss them calmly.
Practice active listening. Understand what your spouse is saying.
Regarding Healthy Conflict
Thomas Whitman and Thomas Bartlett, in their book "The Marriage Mender," offer valuable insights on conflict and healthy fighting habits:
"Couples don't fight because they don't care about each other; they fight because they do. When people invest in their marriage, they fear their needs won’t be met or they'll get hurt. These are natural fears that lead to natural conflicts. "Therefore, conflict in marriage shouldn’t be avoided but resolved. Couples run into problems when they don’t know how to handle conflict. Whether they try to win every argument (aggressive), deny feelings that could lead to conflict (passive-aggressive), or avoid conflict entirely (passive), they develop harmful habits because they don’t know how to engage in honest, respectful conflict.
"Our competitive culture views all conflict as something to be won or lost, even in personal relationships. Some couples adopt this mindset, finding it problematic. Even if you win, your beloved spouse loses, which isn't a satisfactory solution unless you enjoy gloating. It's no surprise many of us struggle with conflict. Studies comparing 'happy' and 'unhappy' marriages show no significant difference in the amount of conflict, but happy couples handle conflict better."
Thoughts on Healthy Conflict:
To help you manage conflict more healthily, we share some insights from Heather Long's article, "Fighting with Your Spouse." Below each tip, we have included relevant scriptures. Heather writes:
"Although the words healthy and conflict may seem contradictory, conflict can help a couple's relationship grow. Conflict with others can spur personal growth. While conflict can be unhealthy if it becomes destructive, it can also be constructive. Here are a few key tips to keep in mind to ensure conflict remains healthy and doesn't spiral out of control."
- Stay calm and level-headed. Even though you may feel like ranting and raving, it accomplishes nothing for you or your spouse.
"The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil." (Proverbs 13:28). "If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." (Galatians 5:15)
Secondly, to have a healthy conflict:
- Remain focused on the issue at hand. Avoid bringing up past insults or grievances.
"Words from a wise man's mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips. His words start as folly and end in wicked madness—and the fool keeps talking." (Ecclesiastes 10:12-13).
- Do you know the little things that will trigger your spouse? Avoid poking at those sensitive spots.
Yes, it’s undoubtedly challenging to do this! However, as the saying goes, "Why poke the bear?" Do you really think jabbing at your spouse helps the situation? And do you believe this is what God desires from us? Think about it—do you, as parents, enjoy seeing your children hurt each other? Why would our perfect Heavenly Father want that from us?
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1).
"Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification." (Romans 14:19)
Finally, Please Realize:
- When you're too angry to be reasonable, be sensible enough to postpone the disagreement until you can discuss it calmly without screaming or yelling.
"He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin." (Proverbs 13:3). "He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity." (Proverbs 21:23)
Lastly, to resolve conflict healthily:
- Practice active listening. Refrain from interrupting. Understand what your spouse is saying.
"He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame." (Proverbs 18:13). "The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice." (Proverbs 12:15)
"If you are in a power struggle with your spouse, pause, take a breath, and aim to resolve the issue together. Release your anger and remember that 'a house divided against itself cannot stand' (Matthew 12:25). Relax, reflect on your spouse's positive qualities, and collaborate on finding solutions to your marital challenges." (David B. Hawkins).
Discover Hope with Giving Hope Counselling Services
At Giving Hope Counselling Services, we specialize in marriage and family therapy because we genuinely care about your family's well-being. Our dedicated therapists empathize with your struggles, listen to your concerns, and work with you to resolve issues, ensuring your family can thrive again. Let us help you rebuild solid and loving relationships. With Giving Hope, your family's happiness and health are our top priorities.
Peter Mugi Kuruga | Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist
References
Oliver, G. J. P., & Oliver, C. (2007). Mad About Us: Moving from Anger to Intimacy with Your Spouse. Baker Books.
Hawkins, D. (2009). 10 Lifesavers for Every Couple: Help and Hope When Your Relationship Hits a Rough Spot. Harvest House Publishers.
Peter Mugi is a qualified Family Therapist, based in Kasarani, Nairobi, Kenya.
With a commitment to mental health, Mr Kuruga provides services in English and Kiswahili, including Counselling (Career), Counselling (Divorce), Counselling (Family), Counselling (Marriage), Individual and Couple Therapy, Marriage and Family Therapist Associate, Mediation, Online Counselling / Phone Therapy, Relationship Counselling and Stress Management.
Mr Kuruga has expertise in Addiction (Drugs and Substances), Adolescent Counselling, Behavioural and Emotional Problems, Bereavement and Loss, Divorce and/or Separation, Family Problems, Parenting Issues, Pre-Marital Counselling, Relationships and Marriage Problems and Suicide Ideation / Survivor.
Click here to schedule a session with Mr Kuruga.
Important:
TherapyRoute does not provide medical advice. All content is for informational purposes and cannot replace consulting a healthcare professional. If you face an emergency, please contact a local emergency service. For immediate emotional support, consider contacting a local helpline.
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