How I Started Looking At ‘Mindfulness’ Differently

I read Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search For Meaning a few years back; and though I did not have the intellectual understanding to comprehend the real power of the book back then, it ended up in my list of “favourite books” instantly.

A lot of us picked up the same book again or for the first time (perhaps) during the pandemic; it kind of became the de rigueur. A very bizarre comparison on my part, but I compared my pandemic trajectory (which involved just quarantining in my room) to the life that Frankl lived in the concentration camp. Why? Because I felt caged, I felt like an external force was trying to control me and take away my power of choice. The thing about interdicts is that they almost charm you into breaching them. But turns out, in situations this critical, you cannot. As a result of this, all of us had to channel that energy somewhere — whether it was towards frivolity or productivity, the human brain was pretty successful in adapting to the new normal. And now, we have accepted the condition of the world and come to appreciate the new normal.

For me, this has been a transformational period, and I was premeditating for it, subliminally, from October ’19.

One of my favourite quotes from Jungian Psychology

In the first phase of my spiritual awakening, I was extrinsically motivated to jump on the “fake it till you make it” bandwagon. I started following a few pages on social media that focused on manifestation, visualisation, meditation, journaling, gratitude practising, and the like. Since I was very new there, I had to push hard to arrive at a place where these habits come organically to me. And ultimately, I was successful in developing these practices from a basal ganglia (part of the brain responsible for habit formation) standpoint, but I failed at gaining genuine enrichment from these habits. Hence, I was performing them at a cursory level where I seemed to have it together but I did not. An epiphenomenon of this phase was a sense of spiritual ego — this was a space where I felt superior to people around me; I felt like I was doing better than them. It was natural for me to judge people for not “trying to get better”, “victimising themselves”, “carrying their baggage with honour.” I believed that people had a choice, and the fact that they didn’t choose “self-improvement”, it was their fault.

And then came the second phase — I was well aware of the habits I was performing every single day, without skipping. I journaled, meditated, practised yoga, studied, learned a new language, actively dated (remotely) to find my ideal match, showed up to therapy sessions, and cared for myself in every way that I wanted to. However, I still wasn’t seeing a psychological shift. I was operating in the same anxious pattern where I did things more out of fear and less out of the need for growth. But superficially, I was growing. It was a fairly confusing space for my psyche because I looked good on paper, but I didn’t feel good enough. I was doing the things that I did, hoping to land on a pedestal where I feel whole again but the void that I was trying to fill remained untouched — it persisted like a strong rock, unyielding and resilient.

This was my dark night of the soul phase: I was forced to reveal my patterns to myself, I was forced to confront my deepest fears, my traumas, my compulsivity — long story short, it was the time to witness my shadow. And in this phase, the unconscious that I had well constructed for so long unravelled. I started to shed my conditioned skin and felt naked. I felt as though I was losing parts of me that I called mine. It was a powerful yet disturbing period in my life; I was willingly letting go of people, things, habits, and everything else that I didn’t feel was aligned with me. Imagine having a well-organised wardrobe and voluntarily destroying that organisation, throwing everything out, and trying hard to let it stay bare just because you know you need to look at those clothes again and now choose the ones you want to fold and put back in. To put in a colloquial way, it was the minimalist detox phase for me.

And then enters phase three! Since this is where I am right now, I am going to write about it in the present tense.

After crossing the dark night of the soul, I am now in the space that I call the “light at the end of the tunnel.” I have successfully walked through the first existential crisis of my life (I say the first because I have no idea how many I will have to endure in this lifetime). But let me tell you something, this phase comes with a huge responsibility, ownership of self, empowerment which is liberating but at the same time pressurising. Why pressurising? Because up until this phase, the external world had the locus of control for my life; but now, I own the steering wheel of my life. And with this wheel comes responsibility for self — here is where I have welcomed mindfulness in my life. Now, I choose how I respond to a stimulus, I choose what I engage with and what I disengage with, I choose when I do what I do because I am starting to understand why I do what I do. Before meditating now, I ask myself “Am I doing this to fulfil my compulsive need to meditate or do I genuinely feel it will benefit me at this moment?” When a friend calls up, I choose if I want to talk to them then or not, this may seem selfish but for someone who has lived for others more than for herself, it’s self-love. I am starting to come in alignment with my purpose, my sacred calling in this life, I am doing what I deeply feel I want to do. I still engage in frivolity quite frequently, but I remind myself to not shame myself if I spend 3 hours on Netflix. I am not trying to be productive anymore, I am just doing me. But at the same time, I struggle with always wanting to be productive.

This is, more often than not, hard. It’s not rainbows and butterflies because taking responsibility for yourself requires you to acknowledge when you make bad decisions because you can’t blame life, or your parents, or the world anymore. However, you humble yourself and offer that compassion to the one who needs it the most: you. I often end up following the old pattern routes on some days, but now I have learnt to catch myself sooner. And even if I go a little farther than I want myself to, I and catch and respond gently.

This is the part where I am mindfully choosing the clothes that I want to put back in my wardrobe, the clothes that I believe would make me feel good when I wear them. And along with it, I am letting go of the clothes that I don’t think will fit with my values anymore.

In this phase, I am learning to fall in love with myself. And this is what I want operationally to define mindfulness as.

Lastly, it is also a space where I catch hold of my thoughts before negatively judging people for wherever they are in their respective journeys. I understand the meaning of empathy now only because I learning how to offer it to myself. I am learning to respect people for who they are — our values can align, and if they do, I welcome them in my life. But if they don’t, I know how to amicably let go of someone. I acknowledge that when people react bitterly towards me it has got more to do with them than with me. That said, I now know the kind of people I want in my life — it is powerful to be aware of that because I know that now I define my own worth.

I don’t judge myself for being in phase one because I had to be there to be here. And, I am glad I didn’t give up. I don’t know what the next phase will become, but whenever I comprehend it, I will write about it!

If you have come this far, thanks for reading. I wish you softness.

Much love,

Ritika