HOW DO WE VIEW OUR SPOUSES?

After our marriages, what kind of “glasses” do we use to look through in our mind's eyes as we view our spouses? Are they tired eyes with a view that is not as positive as it was before marriage? It’s very important that, over time, we retain a positive view of our spouses.

Drs Gary and Greg Smalley in their book ‘The DNA of relationships” observed that in courtship and early in a marriage, whatever a spouse says is taken in a positive light and he or she cannot do any wrong. Even fairly bad behaviour may be turned around and made positive. The spouses at this time see each other through rose-tinted glasses, and everything is perfect.

However, once the marriage has issues with disappointments and arguments, this changes the spouse's view of each other. The wife will for instance shift her ‘rose coloured one to a negative perspective and her attitude will change from admiration to a faultfinding one. Whatever the husband does is consequently seen in a negative light, and he can no longer do anything right. Essentially, when our relationships encounter persistent problems, we switch our lenses and start seeing our spouses negatively.

Dr Debbie Cherry says that we all see our world through a chosen set of lenses and if we are not careful, such lenses can distort what we want to see. The types of lenses through which we can see our spouses include:

Rose-coloured glasses:

In her book, “Child-Proofing Your Marriage” Dr. Debbie says:

“Just like we all want to live in a perfect world, so do these “rose-coloured” glasses lead us to see and believe. Once you wear these glasses, everything we see changes.”

“While we would love to live in a perfect world, which is what these [rose-coloured] glasses lead us to believe, once these glasses are on, everything we see seems to change.” But do such changes benefit our marriages in the long run? The Bible in Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offence.” This tells us that, although our spouses offend us, we shouldn’t always make a big deal about it, but at times, we need to let go, though not all the time. We must, therefore, seek God’s wisdom so as to know when to take offense and when to let go.

Dark-coloured glasses:

Dr Cherry says, “While we may not want to wear dark-coloured or negative glasses, most of us end up putting them on at least once in a while, which is dangerous as this means that the view of our spouse becomes clouded. If we set our sensitivity levels too high, we end up taking offence when none was intended and notice some slights when none are there. We can easily assume the worst when it is not true.

Drs Les and Leslie Parrott in their book “I Love You More” say that “We all see whatever it is that we prepare our minds to see”. Our perception of a situation is the result of our attitude; once we have a certain mindset, we tend to see everything and everyone in a certain way, either positively or negatively, even when our perception is not correct. This is why, in marriage and in life, generally, we always find what we are looking for. When you think your spouse is lazy, you always get adequate evidence to support the case, while when you think he is hard-working, you also find enough evidence to support this. Whatever you perceive in your mind, you shall surely find!

Therefore, we must find in truth what we see and can’t see in our spouses and be cautious because, as the bible says:

“There is a generation that is pure in its own eyes yet is not washed from its filthiness. There is a generation —oh, how lofty are their eyes! And their eyelids are lifted up!” (Proverbs 30:7). May the Lord help us not to be tainted in how we view and perceive our spouses!

Seeing Through Magnifying Glasses:

We hold magnifying glasses in front of our eyes to see things more clearly than we would otherwise. But we must exercise caution while using them as we can use them on our spouse and others, inspecting their every single fault while not turning them on ourselves, and this can lead to trouble. As the Bible says:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your eye?.......... You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5).

How We View Our Spouses Through Goggles:

We wear goggles so as to protect our eyesight and we want this in our marriages. The enemy of our faith distorts the way we see our spouses, causing us a lot of problems. When we fail to see our spouses as our Lord sees them, then we are not looking at them in truth. We must keep in mind that the view of our spouses needs protecting. The bible says:

“The eye is a lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!” (Matthew 6:22-23)

The Realistic View of Our Spouse Through Clear glasses:

When we wear clear glasses, they have no tint, allowing us to see our spouse realistically, seeing their good and the not so good. If you prayerfully look at them, you will see your mate just as God does, using his eyes. Please ponder this, how would you treat your spouse if you saw them as they are seen by God?

“The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. “(1 Samuel 16:7).

We pray that all those reading this and need a miracle in their marriages, may the eyes of their hearts get enlightened so that they can see their spouses clearly through the eyes of God’s heart. If this happens, may God’s love knit both of their hearts together, and may they keep loving each other earnestly.

At “Giving Hope Counselling Services”, we understand that some marriages face challenges so deep that they feel beyond repair. Whether you're dealing with persistent conflicts, communication breakdowns, or even contemplating divorce, our team of skilled marriage therapists is here to help. We specialize in guiding couples through difficult conversations and helping them negotiate their way toward healing and resolution. Our goal is to provide the support and tools necessary to rebuild trust and rekindle love, offering a path to save your marriage. And if the relationship cannot be saved, we can help you part amicably, with mutual understanding and respect. No matter where your relationship stands, you don’t have to face these challenges alone. Let us help you take the first steps toward a healthier future—together or apart.

Peter Mugi Kuruga | Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist.