LETTING GOD WORK IN OUR MARRIAGES

God works in mysterious ways that may occasionally surprise us when we believe things are a certain way, but He brings up the need for a fresh perspective. When we are receptive to viewing the circumstances through God's eyes and following His guidance, He will utilize us in remarkable ways. Robert and Jeanette Lauer, contributors to Marriage Partnership Magazine, highlighted that in our pursuit of enhancing marital happiness, we often fail to recognize that many of our issues stem from our mindset. By substituting negative thought patterns with healthier mental habits, we may be pleasantly surprised to discover a significant improvement in marital satisfaction.

In their article, Lauer recounted the story of a couple who eventually realized they were consistently interpreting each other's actions and words in a negative light. This situation resonated with a recent insight they had heard: "If we seek to be offended, we will inevitably find what we're looking for."

This dynamic applies not only to the couple in question but also to others, including ourselves. We may not even be aware that we are predisposed to perceive negativity until it is brought to our attention, as illustrated in the testimony above.

However, as this couple adopted healthier thought patterns by replacing negative perceptions with positive ones, their marriage gradually became the fulfilling relationship they initially desired.

A similar transformation could potentially occur in your marriage. To aid you on this journey, here are some summarized recommendations from the Lauer’s for cultivating positive thinking to foster and sustain marital happiness:

• Assume the best.

Make a conscious effort to extend the benefit of the doubt to each other, as presuming the worst serves no constructive purpose for anyone involved.

• Ask more questions.

Should negative thoughts persist and you suspect that your spouse intended to belittle you, engage in more questioning. Begin by examining why you reacted negatively and considering alternative interpretations for your spouse's words or actions. Consult with your partner to verify the accuracy of your negative assumptions. You might discover that you misinterpreted a statement.

• Focus on what’s good.

Both you and your partner are imperfect individuals. You have the option to dwell on your partner's shortcomings or on their strengths. For instance, a reserved spouse may either be withdrawn and emotionally distant or may carefully choose their words to prevent misunderstandings. Even amidst disagreements, when tension and hurt feelings dominate, remind yourself of the admirable qualities that led you to marry this person.

• Appreciate your differences

Have you ever wondered why your spouse couldn't be more unpredictable, responsible, outgoing, or punctual? Essentially, why couldn't they act like you? Toxic thinkers perceive such distinctions as significant deficiencies. Conversely, healthy thinkers recognize strength within these differences. Many of us marry individuals who are our opposites, a tendency that harbours immense potential for enriching our lives. For instance, if a thrifty person marries a spender, the thrifty individual can assist the spender in becoming more financially responsible. In contrast, the spender can encourage the thrifty partner to embrace life more freely and derive greater enjoyment from it. In keeping to the age-old adage, "If we were identical, one of us wouldn't be necessary,". Let us, therefore, grant each other grace and space when necessary.

• Practice loving thoughts.

Some individuals tend to view their partners through the lens of their shortcomings. However, those with a healthy mindset contemplate the aspects they admire and cherish in their spouses. It's about actively seeking out positive qualities, concentrating on them, nurturing them, and letting them shine through. This principle aligns with Philippians 4:8-9, which encourages us to:

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. “

By embracing and implementing God's principles, His peace will flourish within our hearts and shared life. When we inadvertently seek out negativity, we inevitably find it. Conversely, when we actively seek out goodness, treat it as a hidden treasure, and focus on positive thoughts—as encouraged in Philippians 4:8—God's peace becomes accessible in our marriage. Even if only one of us earnestly seeks truth and goodness, God will bestow His peace upon us, for He is our Redeemer.

Reflect on this concept, seek guidance through prayer, and then act according to what you believe aligns with God's will, ensuring you allow His truth to permeate your decisions rather than imposing your own interpretation. Through sincere prayer with an open heart and mind, God will unveil whether your perceptions of your spouse are healthy and accurate. He will also illuminate whether you are genuinely seeking reality as it is. Furthermore, He will guide you in discerning if there are any actions you need to take to rectify any shortcomings on your part.

At Giving Hope Counselling Services, we continue to assist families, those in relationships and marriages, in resolving issues and starting to thrive again. Seeking counselling services may be the best thing you have done in your life for the welfare of your family.

Peter Mugi Kuruga | Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist