Grief Comes In Waves

As a psychotherapist, I often hear and say these words: “Grief comes in waves”. But what do they really mean? Loss is so profound, yet it is unavoidable. At some point in our lives, every single one of us will experience loss, and it will be deeply painful. If I meet you there today, I want to say I see you. If you have been there in the past, you know, and if it is still coming, I am sorry in advance.

Over the centuries, many different theories around the stages, phases, and steps of grief arose. Some say there are seven, others say it is five. These do not only describe loss due to the passing of a loved one but also the loss of a relationship, loss of identity, or even serious financial losses.

The most widely known model is probably Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s description of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She describes each phase in terms of emotions and behaviour, and it is important to note that these phases do not occur linearly.

Denial

During this phase, you might feel like nothing is real and that you are just having a bad dream; sometimes, you wish you could pinch yourself and just wake up. You might feel as though the world is standing still, while everything else continues to move forward around you. When the tide begins to shift, frustration may start to stir and questions about why this happened.

Anger

When you are here, aggression is at the forefront of your emotions; you can feel it boiling right under the surface, and you might want to find someone to blame or blame yourself. You may even blame the loss. Frustration may keep you awake, and you may push everyone away. Feeling angry doesn’t mean that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. It is only a step towards healing.

Bargaining

During this phase, thoughts may appear that spiral around ‘if’ and ‘maybe.’ If I did this or maybe that, it really is your mind’s way of trying to gain control and avoid the pain you’re feeling. All you can do is take note of these thoughts and be gentle with yourself, and know that your grief is a testament that you cared deeply.

Depression

Deep feelings of pain, sadness, emptiness, and loss may affect you during this time, and the crash of the wave might feel at its strongest at this time. You might feel that things will never be right again, but this is only a part of your healing journey and allows you to feel the true depth of the loss you suffered before you can eventually release it.

Acceptance

As the wave flows onto the beach, the emotional intensity will begin to feel lighter, and you will experience a form of peace and acceptance. This should not be mistaken for you being okay with what happened, only that you will be able to find ways to move on.

From what I’ve experienced myself and what clients describe in my practice, grief is messy. Today, you may feel like you’ve accepted the loss, and you might even be okay, but tomorrow the deep sadness and despair of your loss will be back in all its might. You might want to regain control and bargain again, and then you find yourself at anger's door. One thing is for certain: individuals move between the phases and revisit them like the ebb and flow of the ocean, and just like every wave looks different, every person’s grief will be different.

Why is this, you ask? People are uniquely different. Just as much as we may experience the same things, we will experience them so differently, and that can make one feel isolated and alone. This even further deepens the sadness and grief and loss, because individuals who have suffered a loss together may move apart instead of growing closer, simply because what they need is so different. Individuals will grieve differently based on their personalities, culture, religion, circumstances, and relationships.

Ultimately, there is no right timeline, and grief can only take its course. What is important, though, is to take care of yourself during this time and to feel what you’re feeling and truly process what happened. Each phase brings you closer to healing.

If you find it difficult or your feelings overwhelm you, help is always available. Talk to a grief counsellor or book a therapy session online.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means learning to live with the waves and to trust that, in time, they will carry you forward.