From Breakup To Healing: Understanding The Stages Of Heartbreak

Breakups can feel devastating, leaving you heartbroken and grieving the loss of someone who once meant everything. According to marriage and family therapist Claudia de Llano, the emotional pain of a breakup can be as intense as mourning a loved one. It often feels like a turbulent roller coaster of emotions, anger, sadness, confusion, loneliness, guilt, and regret, mixed with fleeting moments of hope and relief.

Behavioural scientist Clarissa Silva adds that it’s normal to feel anger, resentment, and loss all at once. Though the journey can be overwhelming, it ultimately leads to healing, acceptance, and personal growth, so hold on, it won’t always hurt this much. Your pain is temporary; it won’t last forever.

Stage 1: Ambivalence

Right after a breakup, your emotions can feel like a tug of war between your heart and your mind. You might question your decision, replay endless “what-if” scenarios, and swing between empowerment and heartbreak. One moment you’re relieved it’s over, and the next, you’re missing your ex and feeling lost in nostalgia. These conflicting emotions, relief, anger, sadness, and longing, can make this stage especially confusing.

Coping Strategies

To manage these mixed feelings, start by acknowledging and accepting them. It’s normal to feel conflicted. Be honest with yourself about what you truly want and whether your hesitation is rooted in love or fear of change. Creating a pros-and-cons list can bring clarity about whether ending the relationship was right. You can also engage in a simple grief ritual, like writing a letter to your ex and burning it, or clearing your space of reminders, to help you release emotional attachment and begin healing.

Stage 2: Denial and Shock

Soon after a breakup, many people experience a period of denial and emotional numbness. Denial acts as a protective barrier, helping us slowly absorb the shock of a new and painful reality. During this stage, it’s common to believe the breakup isn’t real or that things will soon return to normal. You may find yourself refusing to accept what happened, holding onto hope that reconciliation is possible, or distracting yourself with work to avoid feeling the pain.

It’s also normal to momentarily forget that you’re no longer together, reaching out to your ex, consulting them on daily matters, or even avoiding telling friends and family because part of you still believes you might reunite.

Coping Strategies

To move through denial and shock, allow yourself to truly feel your emotions instead of burying them under distractions. Share the news of your breakup with trusted loved ones so you can begin processing it. Give yourself time to adjust to the new reality, accepting that life has changed and that grief is part of healing. Most importantly, avoid contact with your ex, no calls, texts, or social media stalking. Staying connected only prolongs emotional attachment and slows your recovery.

Stage 3: Anger and Resentment

After a breakup, it’s common to experience strong feelings of anger and resentment toward your ex. This stage often emerges as a response to deep emotional pain and a sense of betrayal or injustice. You may feel wounded by your ex’s actions, thinking, “How could they do this to me?” This hurt can quickly turn into rage. You might find yourself arguing, sending harsh messages, or replaying every past mistake in your mind.

Blame often becomes a coping mechanism; you may fault your ex, yourself, or even circumstances for the breakup. Some people express their anger by destroying reminders of their ex, wishing them unhappiness, or developing bitterness that affects how they see future relationships.

Coping Strategies

De Llano advises allowing yourself to sit with your anger rather than suppressing it, acknowledging that this helps it fade naturally. Channel your emotions into healthy outlets like physical activity, art, or music to release built-up tension. Establish firm boundaries with your ex to minimise triggers and avoid badmouthing them to others, which only fuels negativity. Instead, focus your conversations on your healing and growth.

If anger feels overwhelming, seek support from a therapist to work through it constructively. Finally, strive toward forgiveness, not to excuse what happened, but to free yourself from resentment and reclaim your peace.

Stage 4: Bargaining and Negotiation

In this stage, you may find yourself trying to reverse the breakup by negotiating with your ex or yourself about what could change to make the relationship work again. Bargaining is a natural part of grief; it’s the mind’s way of coping with loss by seeking hope and control. You might wish for another chance, thinking, “If only we could try again, things would be different.” It’s common to make promises to change or offer compromises like attending therapy together.

Some people attempt to renegotiate the relationship by suggesting alternatives, staying friends, being friends with benefits, or maintaining contact in other ways. In the process, you might even consider bending your boundaries or personal values just to keep your ex in your life.

Coping Strategies

To move through this stage, resist the urge to romanticise the past. When you catch yourself longing for the good times, remind yourself why the relationship ended and consider the full picture, both the positives and the pain. Avoid idealising your ex or imagining a “perfect” reunion. Most importantly, stay true to your values and boundaries. You deserve a relationship built on mutual respect and shared principles, not one that requires you to sacrifice your sense of self.

Stage 5: Depression and Sadness

After a breakup, many people experience deep sadness or even depression as they process the loss. This stage can feel heavy and disorienting, like the ground beneath you has disappeared, as de Llano describes. You might feel constant sadness, struggle to find joy in things you once loved, or experience frequent crying spells triggered by memories. Hopeless thoughts such as “I’ll never love again” or “I’ll be alone forever” are common, and you may find yourself withdrawing from friends and family because social interaction feels draining. Physical changes like trouble sleeping or eating may also appear as your body mirrors your emotional distress.

Coping Strategies

Allow yourself to grieve; healing takes time, and it’s okay not to “get over it” quickly. Be patient and gentle with yourself. When negative thoughts surface, try reframing them into more hopeful perspectives, such as viewing this time as an opportunity for growth and rediscovery.

Build a self-care routine that nurtures both body and mind, sleep well, eat healthily, exercise, and engage in activities that bring comfort. Stay connected with supportive loved ones who can offer encouragement and understanding.

Practice mindfulness through journaling or meditation to stay grounded in the present. If the sadness feels overwhelming or persistent, seek help from a mental health professional who can guide you through the healing process.

Stage 6: Acceptance and Healing

With time, the pain softens, and you begin to accept the reality of the breakup. In this stage, as de Llano explains, you start integrating the lessons, memories, and emotions from the relationship, realising that it has fulfilled its purpose and come to an end. You may find yourself embracing a new sense of normalcy, acknowledging that the relationship is truly over and feeling emotionally steadier. Sadness, anger, and regret no longer dominate your days. You gain closure by understanding why things ended, and this insight helps you grow.

Forgiveness, for both yourself and your ex, becomes possible, and you start to let go of resentment. What once felt impossible now feels achievable: you’re ready to move on. Thoughts like “That chapter of my life is over, and I’m okay with it” reflect this new phase of peace and acceptance.

Healing Strategies

To continue healing, reframe the breakup as an opportunity for personal growth rather than just a loss. Acknowledge the strength and resilience that carried you through this difficult period. Practice gratitude for the good moments and lessons learned from the relationship, as they shaped who you are today. And, as de Llano reminds us, allow yourself to feel the loss, but remember that your capacity to love again remains very much alive.

Stage 7: Growth and Moving On

In the final stage, you begin to feel ready to embrace life again, carrying the lessons learned from your past relationship. This is where healing transforms into personal growth and renewal. You may notice your confidence returning as you rebuild your self-esteem and start to feel more secure in who you are. Reconnecting with friends and enjoying social activities becomes easier and more fulfilling. You might even feel open to the idea of dating again or forming new relationships, this time with greater clarity and self-awareness.

Growth Strategies

To nurture continued growth, de Llano suggests reading books on relationships and self-development to expand your understanding and support your healing. Silva encourages building a supportive and diverse social network to gain new perspectives. Try exploring new hobbies or interests that help you rediscover yourself, and consider travelling to new places for a fresh outlook on life.

Keep in Mind

A breakup is an emotional journey that takes time and patience. Each stage, no matter how painful, guides you toward becoming a stronger, wiser version of yourself. If you’re still in the midst of healing, be gentle with yourself. With time, the pain will fade, and one day you’ll realise your heart feels lighter. Focus on self-care and compassion, you’re on your way to thriving again.

Healing takes time, and you don’t have to go through it alone. If you’d like support as you work through loss or change, you can contact Giving Hope Counselling Services to book a counselling session. Visit our blog for more articles on relationships, marriage, and family life.

References

Kansky J, Allen JP (2018). Making sense and moving on: the potential for individual and interpersonal growth following emerging adult breakups. Emerg Adulthood. 2018;6(3):172-190. doi: 10.1177/2167696817711766

Verhallen AM, Renken RJ, Marsman JC, Ter Horst GJ (2019). Romantic relationship breakup: An experimental model to study effects of stress on depression (-like) symptoms. PLoS One. 2019 May 31;14(5):e0217320. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0217320