Escaping the Cycle of Domestic Violence Part I

Domestic violence is a universal phenomenon that is present across demographic barriers. It is commonly perceived as the use of physical force against another. However, that definition has expanded to include emotional and psychological abuse. Emotional and psychological abuse include microaggressive behaviours such as using sarcastic remarks masked as jokes, chronic indiscretions, punching walls, breaking objects that are important to their partner, making verbal threats and being cruel to their partner, including their pets.

The individuals caught up in such a cycle may not be aware of the impact such a dysfunctional cycle may have on their well-being and those surrounding them. Many parents justify remaining in such a dynamic for the sake of their children, their reputation, or to adhere to cultural norms. Many respectable programs use the cognitive behavioural approach to resolving such a dilemma and have proven efficacious. However, a missing part of the puzzle may require further investigation. Does it not seem odd that individuals who come out of such a relationship often end up with the same dynamic type? Furthermore, those children who experienced domestic violence also seem to replicate their parent's cycle, whether they end up as the victim or the perpetrator.

The Attachment model has a very meaningful explanation for this. They maintain that the early infant-caregiver relationship sets the pace and template for adult romantic relationships. This means that an individual's template about the emotional atmosphere is set, much like a thermostat. Therefore, the choice of romantic partners is far less on a conscious level than it is on an unconscious level. That is why we tend to replicate the same type of dynamic that we experienced in early childhood and repeat it endlessly in our adult life. The child's early childhood experiences are downloaded into their psyche and become the working model of what they will expect from relationships throughout their lifespan. This will be their natural trajectory. Unsurprisingly, these are the same individuals who are easy targets in middle school or as teens. It is almost as if they send off a vibration that proclaims their vulnerability and is easily received by a potential abuser. It may seem perplexing that they would select an abusive partner even when there are other eligible mates to choose from.

This may seem like a dire, hopeless, pessimistic problem-but it is not. Many individuals can reclaim lives of normalcy, harmony and romance. Individuals who have had alternative, positive experiences in childhood - it could be with grandparents or family members aside from the primary, such as parents of friends who displayed love, warmth, and trust- have a much better prognosis than those who have not. And those who enter psychotherapy for themselves, rather than having the motive of changing the behaviour of their partner, also seem to have better results.

One must be ready to engage in introspection, self-reflection and a vision of liberation from one's history. Telling the same story in therapy or with friends often does not lead to catharsis or yield favourable results. Helping individuals transform their inner dialogue to reflect a more positive expectation of themselves can harness more advantageous outcomes than retelling the story of pain, disempowerment and victimization. Diverting the conversation on what they want in a relationship rather than what they are currently experiencing will help identify desirable aspects of a partnership. Guiding the dialogue to stimulate an alternative image of a functional relationship will help the individual see themselves in such a relationship, therefore rewiring their expectation of future relationships. There is much hope for individuals suffering in silence.