Domestic Violence: What is it?

The mate is to be lived with; in security, harmony and love…

Domestic Violence DV is a means of control and subjugation. It is a pattern of behaviour used to establish power and control over another individual through fear, terror and intimidation, often including the use of threat or violence.

Domestic violence is the deliberate intimidation, physical assault, sexual assault, battery, and/or other abusive behaviour perpetrated by an intimate partner against another.

Section 18(g) of the Protection Against Domestic Violence Law of Lagos State, 2007, defines domestic violence to mean physical abuse, sexual abuse, exploitation, including but not limited to rape, incest and sexual assault; starvation; emotional, verbal and psychological abuse; economic abuse and exploitation; denial of basic education; intimidation; harassment; stalking; hazardous attack including acid bath with offensive and poisonous substance; damage to property among others.

DV occur between family or household members; it is the violent confrontation between the members of a household that involves physical harm, sexual assault, or fear of physical harm. Family or household members include couples or former couples, those in (or formerly in) a dating relationship, adults related by blood or marriage, e.g., father-in-law, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, uncle, aunty etc. and those with a biological or legal parent-child relationship, e.g., stepfather, mother, etc.

It is an epidemic affecting individuals in every community, regardless of age, gender, economic status, religion, tribe, race, nationality, or educational background. Any individual can fall victim to domestic violence in any household. The rich, the poor, the educated, the uneducated, Muslims, Christians, women, men, children, step-children, name it; no one is immune.

While domestic violence involves all forms of relationships in a household, Intimate partner violence (IPV) is domestic violence by a current or former spouse or partner in an intimate relationship against the other spouse or partner. IPV is between couples directly. It is a form of abuse that occurs in a romantic relationship. "Intimate partner", in this case, refers to both former and current couples and dating partners. IPV is called teen dating violence when it occurs in adolescence. IPV begins early and spans the lifespan.

Intimate partner violence IPV typologies:

Between couples, there are two typologies of intimate partner violence: Situational and characterological IPV. The difference between the two depends on who and how the control and subjugation is taking place. Situational IPV tends to be reciprocal; it is mutual, low-level violence (i.e., pushing or grabbing) perpetrated by both partners as a means of conflict management. Situational IPV is occasional violence that hardly escalates. None of the partners is in complete fear of the other person, and there is no profound subjugation even though there is a fight for control and power.

Characterological violence is where one partner clearly demonstrates controlling and dominating behaviour. It is asymmetrical, with an apparent perpetrator and victim. The perpetrator has little remorse and tends to blame the victim. The victim has no control over the perpetrator or the violence and fears the perpetrator. Two of the foremost researchers in marriage and relationships, Gottman and Jacobson found that there are two types of male characterological IPV perpetrators: They called them the "Pit Bulls" and "Cobras." Cobras are typically violent in all aspects of life, while Pit Bulls generally are violent to their intimate partner only.

According to Gottman and Jacobson, Pit Bulls have significant fears of abandonment and are incredibly jealous. They distrust their partner becoming independent and try to keep their spouse socially isolated. They are condescending, domineering and lecturing. They lead with their forehead when they speak with their victim. Their anger builds gradually when getting more belligerent and contemptuous. Their pulse rate slowly increases with rage and is high when they strike.

Cobras are generally violent. They are fierce with their partner and with relationships outside of the couples. They use terror, fear, and intimidation to get power and control. They lead with their chin when they speak with their victim. They begin with high levels of aggressiveness; they are oppressive and provocative. They look threatening from the beginning (by their look when angry, you shall know them) and do not appear calm.

Interestingly, their heart rates drop before they strike, so they are most relaxed when they hit. They can be charming, highly manipulative, and seductive. They can use weapons to threaten their victims and often surprise them. They show no remorse.

Pit Bulls are those partners that are the calmest of workers and best friends to people outside. However, inside their house, they are the beast whom the children and partner fear. Cobras are those partners that can be violent to anyone regardless of the relationship. Couples with situational IPV have a chance of repairing their relationship through couples therapy and other types of intervention; however, couples therapy and other forms of couple intervention are contraindicated in couples with characteriological IPV.

Who is responsible for violence?

There is the misnomer that the victims are the ones who bring the perpetration of violence upon themselves. For example, I hear women tell other women that if only they would keep their mouths shut, their husbands won't beat them, or I hear men say that the violence is retaliation to a woman's misbehaviour. Also, I hear people say if only the women folk in the house would dress well, they won't be raped. However, my question is, what kind of dressing well, for example, is a 5-year-old supposed to dress to prevent sexual assault in the home? This misnomer that the victims are responsible for the violence in and of itself is abuse. Without a doubt, the responsibility for the violence belongs to the abuser; by no means is it the victim's fault, and no one deserves abuse of any sort. There is no reason good enough to justify the abuse of another person. Whoever perpetuates violence over another is responsible for that violence regardless of the situation that triggered the person.

Abuse is a learned behaviour, and except unlearned, it is difficult for a perpetrator to end the never-ending cycle of violence.

Cycle of Abuse

Lenore E. Walker developed the cycle of Abuse social theory to explain the pattern of behaviour in an abusive relationship, especially in physical and verbal abuse. The cycle of abuse involves four stages: the tension, incident, reconciliation and calm stages. It is considered a cycle because the pattern can be ongoing if nothing significant is done to stop the abusive behaviours. Each cycle stage has its warning signs and characteristics; however, victims may not recognize they are caught in a vicious cycle until after the fact. Understanding how this pattern works is one of the steps to seeking help and stopping abuse.

The four stages explained-

Tension: The tension stage is where external stressors may begin to build within the abuser. These stressors may include fatigue, problems at work, financial issues, or an illness. As the abusive person's tension builds, their frustration increases, and they continue to grow angrier because they feel out of control. The victim may feel anxious and become hyper-alert to the perpetrator's needs. They begin to try to find ways to ease the tension of their abuser to prevent an abusive episode from happening, or they may begin to withdraw to lessen the outrage. The abuser may lash out as a response to stressors at this point.

Abusive incident: The incident stage eventually comes next because the built-up tension of the abuser has to be released to make them feel as though they have control and power again. Any form of abuse to take control and power over the victim counts as an incident in this stage, even if it is only threats and the actual violence doesn't occur. In this stage, the abuser may also shift the blame of their abuse to the victim, saying the victim made them do it by getting them angry.

Reconciliation: The reconciliation stage is the stage of placation. The abuser tries to make amends and may apologize for the abuse. They may promise never to do it again and use gifts and kindness to move past the incident. They may become extra loving, and these behaviours trigger the victim's brain to release feel-good and love hormones known as dopamine and oxytocin. The release of these hormones makes the victim feel closer to the perpetrator. These behaviours bound the victim to the abuser and may make the victim think that the abuser is really sorry and make them believe the relationship is back.

Calm: The calm stage is the last stage before tension builds again. This stage is nicknamed the honeymoon stage because it resembles the beginning of a relationship when individuals are on their best behaviour. Both individuals give justification or explanations to excuse the incident away in this stage. E.g. the abuser may say they are sorry; however, they blame the violence on outside factors such as work or their boss. Sometimes the abuser may deny the abuse happened or it was as bad as the victim claimed. Sometimes the abuser may fault the victim for the abuse; however, most times, the abuser shows remorse and promises that the abuse won't happen again by being extra loving and understanding of the victims' needs. This may make the victim believe that the incident wasn't as bad as they thought, primarily because of the convincing nature of the abuser; the victim feels that the abusive behaviour is a thing of the past even though it is not. The abuse will happen again and again and again. And with each episode without intervention, the abuser gets more and more emboldened, and the cycle becomes an almost automatic pattern.

Note, however, that Not All Abuse Happens In Cycles. Although the cycle of abuse model is an excellent way to put structure and identify abuse (especially physical and verbal abuse) in a relationship, it isn't so cut-and-dry for everyone experiencing such abuse. Not everyone experiences abuse in the way the model describes. Victims' experiences with domestic violence vary from relationship to relationship.

The cycle of abuse was initially devised to help explain battered woman syndrome, a term used to describe women whose partners have repeatedly abused them. The cycle does not always take into account the way that people experience violence from their partners. If you are a victim, your experience may be different.

Domestic violence results in psychological trauma, physical injury, and sometimes loss of life. The consequences of DV can cross generations and truly last a lifetime. In the subsequent series, I will elaborate more on the consequences of DV and the types of DV.

NB: As this is domestic violence awareness month, We are currently working on a documentary. If you are a victim or survivor of domestic violence of any form and would like to anonymously or publicly share your story in the documentary, kindly email me at mumtazmws@yahoo.com or WhatsApp me on 2348035908254.

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Research Referenced

https://www.johngottman.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Typologies-of-Intimate-Partner-Violence.pdf