Can Marriage Sex Be Good Sex?

Your past sexual experiences persist even after you say, "I do." Biological differences between men and women, both physically and emotionally, are undeniable. Long live the differences! However, your sexual history significantly influences your attitudes towards sex within marriage—whether you avoid it or seek more of it—and the preferences you have regarding the type of intimacy you pursue.

What were your expectations when it came to developing a one-flesh relationship? Did you anticipate that married sex would naturally fall into place, especially since both of you waited until marriage? Or did you have doubts, especially if you've experienced significant sexual trauma in the past? Perhaps you hoped that marriage would heal any struggles with pornography.

If you were heavily influenced by porn, it most likely shaped your expectations regarding your spouse's sexual desires and responses. If you were sexually active with your partner before marriage, you might have assumed that sex would continue smoothly or even improve. Alternatively, you might have viewed married sex as a duty—a requirement despite God's disapproval.

There's a saying I once heard that rings true: "Before marriage, the devil works hard to draw you into sexual sin, and after marriage, he works equally hard to keep you apart." Achieving intimacy requires collaboration with God. It begins with understanding the person you were before marriage and how you're approaching marriage now. Your sexual journey doesn't end at the altar.

You both married imperfect individuals; there are no exceptions. You most likely have caused each other pain. Perhaps one of you has violated vows through infidelity, pornography use, or other means. Life's challenges may have left you feeling disappointed or even traumatized by married sex.

Sex in marriage can be good!

You won't always be in your twenties, or perhaps that phase feels like a distant memory. Regardless of your current stage in life, married sex has the potential to be fulfilling. While the challenges may vary, the benefits of pursuing complete intimacy with your spouse are invaluable.

Whether your honeymoon marks your first sexual encounter or not, genuine intimacy takes time to cultivate. It involves understanding each other's bodies and arousal patterns. Some couples focus so much on wedding preparations that they neglect to prepare for marriage adequately. The early days of marriage are about laying a foundation of intimacy meant to endure a lifetime.

It might be challenging for younger couples to envision the long term, but discussing plans to explore and nurture sex and intimacy together is crucial. This could involve reading marriage literature together regularly, attending annual marriage conferences, seeking guidance from seasoned couples in your community, or proactively seeking marriage counselling.

Adapted from Sexpectations by Carol Tanksley,

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist