Dangerous Assumptions in Marriage

Some assumptions that we hold onto can be dangerous to our marriages. They can tip them over into the “warning zone,” where survival is sometimes questionable. Others are not dangerous but helpful.

Reasonable Assumptions

Some assumptions or judgment calls can be helpful. For example, before marriage, if you’re dating someone who is flirty with others or cheats on you when you’re exclusively dating each other, you’re safe in assuming this person could take this behaviour into the marriage. This could be a red flag warning for you ahead of time. You can catch him or her engaging in that type of behaviour and receive all kinds of “sorry” and promises that their behaviour will change. But you’d be wise to keep your senses open and alert because words can be cheap. Changed behaviour over a long period of time (and we do mean LONG) would be the only thing that should change your assumptions. Trust is built and rebuilt one day, one action at a time.

The same is true of abusive behaviour. If it starts before marriage, it’s safe to assume that it will continue. It could even ramp up after marriage. (Studies support this.) It would be dangerous NOT to assume otherwise. That’s when it can be wise to get out while you can BEFORE marriage. It’s a lot more complicated after marriage.

Also, if you and your fiancé are having unhealthy arguments, then you can assume that after marrying, you will encounter major problems. That’s when it’s wise to work out your ways of resolving conflict BEFORE marrying so they are healthy and satisfying to both of you. Don’t ignore them, or you could be headed into a troubled marriage. And then, after marrying, you will need to continually work on your individual ways of resolving conflict. It’s not a “once done for all time” type of situation. Marriage is a continual journey towards marrying your very different approaches to life. Some assumptions and assessments you make can, therefore, be good and helpful in the long run.

Be forewarned of assumptions where you believe you “KNOW” what your spouse is thinking yet in reality you do not.

Your spouse’s past behaviour may lead you to THINK you know what’s behind it all. You may think you know what will come next. But often, you don’t. You’ve just allowed yourself to step into a closed-minded assumption. And that’s dangerous because it may cause you to act upon reasoning that isn’t true.

“Making assumptions shuts down constructive communication. It effectively halts our ability to gain further empathy and understanding of one another because once we’ve made an assumption, our mind is made up. From there, it’s incredibly difficult to level with one another in a meaningful way—at least regarding the topic at hand” (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott).

“Being judgmental in a relationship is usually disastrous. That is because once we attach ourselves to a fixed characterization of our partner, we have a very hard time letting go of that assessment and seeing them differently.”

A spouse can get absolutely fed up with promises that end up being broken. And sometimes it happens more times than you can count. All of this is disheartening! It’s especially upsetting how some spouses will promise the world, and they never, ever truly change. But how truly sad it is when there is genuine change involved and the benefit of the doubt is not given. We keep thinking of where we would be if God viewed us this way. What if redemption was never possible or given a chance? Yes, some spouses trample all over any redemption possibilities. But there are some who stop doing so, and they aren’t given the opportunity to show this because of our assumptions.

Wake-up call?

Please let this be a wake-up call to those who need it. Ask God if your assumptions are dangerous. Are you taking their voice away? Are you assuming more than you should? Be careful not to hold onto your assumptions too tightly. Don’t allow yourself to go beyond the point of giving the grace that you should (if you should). We’re talking about the same type of grace God has and will continue to give to you. You can miss out on so many blessings. Plus, you can cause damage to so many other innocent people (children and others) who need to see grace in action.

“Many of us tend to jump to negative conclusions about our spouse’s intentions, particularly when we’ve been embroiled in turmoil. Look for the good. That means that you need to shed the tendency to assume the worst when they’ve done something that feels hurtful or upsetting to you. Take a moment to consider what their best intentions might have been and try to see the situation from that perspective before you make any assumptions. When we look for the good in one another, we’re more likely to avoid assuming things that add hurt to our relationship. Jumping to conclusions puts us in a position to add insult to injury, so slow down and prioritize positivity.” (Drs Les & Leslie Parrott)

“Believe the best instead of assuming the worst. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says, ‘Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves that love believes in all things. Marital love ought to believe the best about the other person instead of assuming the worst.” (Scott Kedersha)

“Ask questions instead of making assumptions. Apply Proverbs 18:2 all day, every day. ‘Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions. ‘Our world would be a much better place if we all learned and applied this verse. If I apply this, then I will ask questions instead of making assumptions.” (Scott Kedersha)

Peter Mugi Kuruga | Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist