THE SECRET TO APPRECIATING YOUR MARRIAGE

In the book of 1 Corinthians 7:28 (NLT), “But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems”,

Paul warns us of the responsibilities, involvements, and, yes, troubles that come with marriage. Something else tied to this idea of trouble in marriage is what I call “the 80:20 ratio.” According to this concept, around 80 per cent of the time, your marriage can be categorized as good or even great, while around 20 per cent of the time, you may have troubles of one kind or another. I arbitrarily chose 20 per cent to make my point. For some couples, it can be less or more. It depends on many factors and can vary weekly (Emerson Eggerichs, 2015).

I cannot put a precise number on the amount of trouble you may have in your marriage, but I do know that God does not promise a fulfilling, trouble-free relationship 100 per cent of the time. Disagreements and misunderstandings happen. Stress comes from without and within.

Suppose we do not accept the inevitability of some trouble as part of God’s design (we will have moments when we feel unloved or disrespected). In that case, we may fall for the idea that a marriage should always be the perfect Hollywood romance. And then, when troubles do come, we may conclude that we are not receiving what we deserve. If we expect 100 per cent fulfilment, we will be ill-prepared to deal with the moments when we feel unfulfilled or worse. We will grow discontented and resentful, and if we let these feelings dwell in our minds, it is not much of a jump to wonder if we made a mistake by marrying in the first place.

My point is simple: it is all too easy to focus on the 20 per cent (the irritations and annoyances) and forget that 80 per cent of the time, things go quite well, or even better than that. That pesky 20 per cent of trouble turns out to be the leaven that leavens the whole lump (Galatians 5:9). My solution is also simple. Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His holy Word. Treasure your marriage like a bottle of the kind of expensive cologne women might like for Christmas, and don’t let a few imperfections be like the dead flies that can give perfume a bad smell (Ecclesiastes 10:1). God has given you a meaningful lover-friend relationship; don’t let the 20 per cent—those times when one or both of you are tired, irritable, or just plain having a bad day (or moment) for whatever reason—sabotage your marriage.

Since Paradise has been lost,. Sin is in the world. Eighty per cent of what we experience can be wonderful; however, 20 per cent will be troubling. If you don’t grasp that, you will poison the 80 per cent. That’s good.” We must realize there is no perfect relationship. We still have 20 per cent of troubles, but we just stop and remember that 80 per cent is really the big picture, and the big picture is what really counts!

Peter Mugi Kuruga | Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist