Steps A Loyal Spouse Can Take To End Their Spouse’s Affair

If you suspect your spouse is having an affair or is being emotionally unfaithful, don't lose hope. An affair doesn't necessarily mean the end of your marriage.

Consider this:

• About 20% of affairs last less than two months.
• Around 50% of affairs last between one month and a year.
• The remaining 30% last more than a year.
• Very few last over four years.
• Only about 3% lead to marriage.
  

You can take seven steps if you believe your spouse is unfaithful. While there's no guarantee that your marriage will recover, these steps will provide the best chance for recovery after the affair ends.

Step 1) Collect Evidence of Your Spouse’s Affair

It's important to note that a spouse who is cheating will often deny the affair, even if caught in the act. They might quickly dress and claim, "It's not what it looks like!" Therefore, gathering evidence isn't necessarily to force a confession from the unfaithful spouse but to reassure the loyal spouse that their suspicions are valid. If you have suspicions, keep an open mind and gather evidence to confirm or refute your theory. Typical evidence might include checking emails if the unfaithful spouse leaves their account open (make sure to print them out!). Look at photos and text messages on their phone if left unlocked. You can also review your joint cell phone bill online and check for excessive minutes spent on calls to the same phone number.

Step 2) Confront Your Spouse About the Affair

Once you are certain there is an emotional or physical affair, the next step is to confront your spouse directly. Tell them face-to-face that you know about the affair and have irrefutable evidence in a safe place. Don’t disclose the details or location of this evidence. Simply state that you are aware of the affair and make it clear that for the marriage to continue, infidelity must end.

Ending the affair means they must completely and permanently cut off contact with the other person. They should also agree to be accountable for their time by sharing passwords to their accounts (Facebook, email accounts, cell phones, etc.). Sometimes, the unfaithful spouse may be relieved to be discovered as they have been wanting to end the affair but didn’t know how. If this is the case, consider yourself fortunate and start working on rebuilding your marriage. If not, proceed to step 3.

Step 3) Disclose Your Spouse’s Affair Information

Suppose your spouse refuses to end the affair or continues it secretly after you have confronted them. In that case, the next step is to confide in a single, highly respected authority figure your spouse will likely listen to and respect. This person should be pro-marriage and able to convey that having an affair is unacceptable, encouraging your spouse to end it and address the issues within your marriage. This authority could be one of your spouse’s parents, a pastor or religious leader, a teacher, or a boss.

Meet with this trusted person privately and explain the situation, asking them to keep it confidential. Provide the facts about the affair and, if possible, show them the evidence. Request their support in encouraging your spouse to return to the marriage. The goal is to involve only one specific, pro-marriage person who both you and your spouse trust, minimizing potential embarrassment and giving your spouse the chance to "do the right thing." Sometimes, the unfaithful spouse will listen to this trusted person and end the affair. If this happens, consider yourself fortunate and begin working on rebuilding your marriage. If not, proceed to step 4.

Step 4) Expose Your Spouse’s Affair

Contact People Who Should Know about the Affair

Suppose your spouse refuses to end the affair even after being confronted by a respected authority. In that case, the next step is to expose the affair to those who will likely be affected by a potential divorce. This exposure is not meant to smear your spouse's reputation (their actions are already doing that) but to bring the affair out of secrecy and into the open.

You should contact:

• Your own parents and siblings
• Your spouse's parents and siblings
• Members of your place of worship
• Some of your co-workers
• Some of your spouse’s co-workers
• Your employer
• The other person’s spouse

Inform them that your spouse is having an affair, that the marriage is in trouble, and ask for their support. Focus on those who may be harmed by the affair, provide the facts, and ask them to talk to your spouse and encourage them to return to the marriage.

Contact Employers about the Affair

Yes, you should inform your employer. They need to understand why you may seem distracted, emotional, and less productive at work. Additionally, inform your spouse’s employer, as they could face a sexual harassment lawsuit if their employee's affair is using company property, time, or resources. Finally, contact the other person’s spouse, informing them of the affair and providing evidence if needed. Nothing ends an affair faster than the other person's spouse reacting strongly and putting an end to it.

Your spouse is likely to be very upset with you for exposing the affair. Affairs are more "fun" when they are secretive and seem like romantic escapades, not when they are exposed as adultery. Additionally, you are effectively cutting off their "addiction." However, just as an intervention for an addicted friend can provoke anger, it is for their own good. The hope is that once the addiction is broken, they will recognize and appreciate what you did. Your marriage can survive your spouse's anger, but it cannot survive ongoing adultery.

Sometimes, when the affair is exposed and everyone knows about it, including the other person's spouse, the affair ends quickly. If this happens, consider yourself fortunate and start working on rebuilding your marriage. If not, move to step 5.

Step 5) Carrot and Stick

In this phase, focus on two main areas: improving yourself to become the person who originally attracted your spouse and allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their choices.

Working on Yourself

Work on eliminating behaviours that extinguish love, such as judgment, angry outbursts, and constant dissatisfaction. At the same time, they reignite behaviours that foster love, such as romantic gestures and attentive actions. Both aspects are important, but removing love extinguishers is crucial. The goal is to show your spouse that you understand their needs and can meet them, making you a more attractive alternative to the other person.

Natural Consequences

This doesn’t mean punishing your spouse but rather allowing them to face the natural outcomes of their decisions. For example, please do not leave the house so they can move their lover in. If your spouse wants to be with the other person, they will need to move out.

Moreover, the children should stay with you. There is no reason for them to leave their home, beds, neighbourhoods, friends, or schools because of the affair. As a result, your spouse will lose some time with the children. This is a natural consequence of their choice to have an affair and what will happen if they choose to divorce. Allow them to experience this hurt, as it will quickly teach them that affairs have significant and painful costs.

By working on yourself and allowing your spouse to face the consequences of their actions, you create an environment that encourages them to reconsider their choices and recognize the value of your marriage.

Not a Long-Term Solution

You should understand that this step is not a long-term solution, as no one can continuously give and give while an affair is ongoing and being flaunted. Eventually, you may reach a point where you need to say, "I’ve done what I could to win you over. I need to move to the next step before I lose all love for you." Sometimes, a disloyal spouse may remain undecided because they are getting their needs met by both you and the other person. Occasionally, affairs die a natural death. The other person might get tired of the situation and leave, or your spouse might begin to see the benefits of staying and recognize the pain that leaving would cause.

However, your spouse might feel that too much damage has been done. Periodically, let them know you would love to have them back and work on the marriage. Invite them to return. If they do, consider yourself fortunate and move to the phase of recovering your marriage. If they do not, move to step 6.

Step 6) Implement Consequences for Your Spouse’s Affair

In this step, write a heartfelt letter to your spouse. Express your love for them and acknowledge any contributions you made to the issues in the marriage. Explain what you are doing to address those issues. However, state clearly that unless they end all contact with the other person and never contact them again, you will have to sever all contact with your spouse. The goal is to give them a realistic sense of what life would be like post-divorce, without your support or presence. They will no longer have you to meet their needs, handle household chores, or be a scapegoat for daily frustrations.

If you have children, disloyal spouses often manipulate situations by asking the loyal spouse to do things "for the children," when in reality, they want their own needs met. In the Consequences Step, establish an intermediary or buffer between you and your spouse in advance. This could be a trusted person who agrees to mediate, or a notebook that the children carry in their backpack when they move between houses. Under no circumstances should you accept phone calls, instant messages, or emails from your spouse directly.

Boundaries for Ending Your Spouse’s Affair

When your spouse tries to contact you, respond firmly but calmly. For example, if they call, you might say, “Are you calling because you’re ready to end the affair? No? Then please respect my wishes for no contact until you’re ready to do that.” Politely end the conversation and hang up. For any email attempts, forward them to the intermediary. Keep the focus on ending the affair and rebuilding your marriage. Avoid getting drawn into arguments over secondary or trivial issues.

Don’t Play the Blame Game

At this stage, your disloyal spouse may be struggling with their choices and looking for someone to blame for their difficulties. If you become the target of their blame, it can diminish the love you have left for each other. Moreover, it allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Therefore, it's essential to maintain no contact to preserve whatever love remains and to encourage your spouse to take personal responsibility for their choices as soon as possible.

Occasionally, affairs naturally come to an end. The other person may grow tired of the situation or your spouse may realize that a divorce would be very painful. Periodically, let your spouse know that you are open to reconciliation and working on the marriage. However, emphasize that significant damage has been done. Invite them to return. If they do, consider yourself fortunate and move to the phase of rebuilding your marriage. If not, proceed to step 7.

Step 7) Legal Separation Due to Spouse’s Affair

The final step before considering divorce is to pursue a legal separation. Many affairs naturally end within two years, so if the loyal spouse can delay the divorce process for that duration, there is a good chance the disloyal spouse may reconsider returning. Therefore, as a strategic move to both postpone divorce proceedings and safeguard family assets and the well-being of the loyal spouse and children, we recommend pursuing a legal separation for a minimum of one year.

Continuing the Work

During the legal separation, the loyal spouse should continue their efforts to eliminate behaviours that extinguish love and reintroduce behaviours that foster love. They can also suggest marriage counselling or begin to date their spouse again.

The disloyal spouse may try to rush for a quick divorce to legitimize their affair partner. However, a legal separation allows all parties involved to recover from the emotional turmoil. It also increases the likelihood of ending the affair. Once the affair truly ends, there may still be work needed to rebuild the marriage, but at that point, the loyal spouse can rest assured that they have done everything possible to save their marriage.

After the affair ends, further steps will be required to fully recover the marriage, but those will be addressed separately.

Affairs are always painful to go through in a marriage and we truly wish none of our clients have to go through such experiences. Unfortunately, this is not always the case, and things happen. Just know that as counsellors, we shall empathise with you and be there to help you overcome the pain.

Peter Mugi Kuruga | Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist