Signs of Toxic Friends and Ways to Break Away From Them
Friendships can be a major source of happiness, offering us a space to share our emotions and feel understood and valued. Strong, meaningful friendships play a vital role in our overall well-being and can significantly boost our life satisfaction (Amati et al., 2018).
However, friendships can also bring considerable stress, especially when there’s an imbalance between what we give and what we receive. Just as healthy relationships benefit our health, unhealthy ones can harm it (Holt-Lunstad & Uchino, 2019).
While the term "toxic" is often casually used to criticise behaviour we don’t like, the reality is that some friendships truly are harmful. According to Dr. Patrice Le Goy, toxic behaviour involves actions that belittle, manipulate, or make others feel bad about themselves and the relationship.
- How Can You Recognise a Toxic Friend?
- Could I Be the Toxic Friend?
- Toxic Friendships Take a Toll on Our Mental Health
- What to Do Once You Realise a Friendship Isn’t Healthy
- Communicating Effectively with a Difficult Friend
- Figuring Out the Next Step in the Friendship
- References
How Can You Recognise a Toxic Friend?
Ariane Resnick, a mental health writer and author observes that if any of the following sounds familiar, you may be dealing with a toxic friendship.
They Put Themselves First
According to Le Goy, toxic friends tend to centre everything around themselves, showing little concern for your thoughts, feelings, or needs. A good indicator is how much of your time together is focused on them versus you. In healthy friendships, there should be a balanced give-and-take—not constant one-sidedness.
They Constantly Criticise You
If your friend often makes negative remarks about your choices, looks, job, relationships, or family, that's a red flag. Instead of building you up, they leave you questioning your worth. A true friend should support and encourage you, not make you feel like you’re falling short.
They Turn Everything into a Competition
Friendship isn’t about outshining each other—it’s about encouragement and mutual support. If your friend reacts with jealousy when you share good news or frequently highlights how they're doing better than you, that’s a sign of toxic behaviour. A healthy friend should celebrate your successes, not compete with them.
They Drain Your Energy
According to Le Goy, a major sign of a toxic friend is feeling worse after every interaction. Whether they’re overly critical, manipulative, or constantly competing, if spending time with them consistently leaves you feeling down, that’s a red flag.
They Manipulate Your Choices
Healthy friendships involve mutual respect, not guilt trips or pressure. If you often find yourself doing things just to keep the peace or please your friend—and they dismiss your concerns or make you doubt yourself when you bring it up—that's manipulation and possibly gaslighting, both of which are toxic behaviours.
They Can’t Be Trusted
Trust is essential in any friendship. If your friend shares your secrets, gossips about you, or leaves you feeling unsure of their intentions, it's likely a toxic relationship. As Le Goy points out, a friend who doesn't protect your privacy or genuinely support you is not a true friend.
They Thrive on Drama
If your friend is constantly surrounded by conflict or always seems to be the victim in dramatic situations, it could be a sign of toxicity. This constant chaos often reflects a self-centred mindset and may even point to narcissistic tendencies.
They Aren’t Genuine
A toxic friend might apologise or compliment you, but it doesn’t feel sincere. You might suspect they have hidden motives or are just saying what you want to hear. Pay more attention to their behaviour than their words—true intentions show in actions.
They’re Not Dependable
Friendship should be about showing up for each other. If your friend frequently cancels plans, ignores your needs, or is only around when they want something, they’re not reliable. Everyone has personal struggles, but real friends make time for one another, especially when it counts.
They Try to Isolate You
Toxic friends may work to distance you from other important people in your life. This might include criticising your partner, spreading rumors about other friends, or talking badly about your coworkers. Their goal is often to make you more dependent on them, trapping you in an unhealthy friendship.
Could I Be the Toxic Friend?
Before pointing fingers, it’s wise to reflect and consider whether you might be contributing to the problem. As Le Goy notes, it’s often easier to spot flaws in others than to recognise our own areas for growth. That’s why honest self-reflection is important—even if it’s uncomfortable.
A helpful way to assess this, according to Le Goy, is to evaluate your other relationships. If most of them are positive, supportive, and built on trust, and the difficulties only exist in one particular friendship, it’s likely that the issue lies with the other person. However, if you notice a pattern—where many of your friendships are short-lived, end poorly, or never deepen beyond the surface—you may need to consider whether you're displaying unhealthy behaviours.
Ultimately, if nearly all your other connections feel strong and fulfilling, and only one stands out as problematic, your instincts are probably correct: your friend may be the toxic one.
Toxic Friendships Take a Toll on Our Mental Health
It should be no surprise that toxic friendships are bad for us and can cause us harm. "Toxic friendships can be so damaging to our mental health," says Le Goy. She notes that humans are hardwired to seek connection and close relationships with supporting, loving people. She says that even once we know our friendship is toxic, we still might hang on to it. We might feel loyal to our friend because they were decent in the past, or perhaps they've manipulated us into thinking that no one will have our backs as well as they do—even if their version of that isn't as great as they make it sound.
Staying in a toxic friendship is the wrong choice, even if leaving it feels like it would be very challenging. "The constant bombardment of negativity in toxic friendships can lead to depression, anxiety, and doubts about our self-worth," says Le Goy.
What to Do Once You Realise a Friendship Isn’t Healthy
After recognising that someone isn’t being the kind of friend you need or deserve, the next step is deciding how to address the issue. Be clear about your thoughts and emotions regarding their behaviour. Rather than reacting with anger, try to identify the deeper feelings involved. Approach the conversation with calmness, honesty, curiosity, and kindness, advises Dr. Noah Kass a psychotherapist based in NewYork.
Before initiating the discussion, clarify your intentions. Are you hoping to repair and improve the friendship, or are you seeking closure so you can move on? Knowing your purpose will help guide the conversation. It can be helpful to prepare by writing down specific instances where their actions hurt you.
Reflect on how those moments made you feel, as well as any other factors that may have influenced their behaviour. With your intentions set and your thoughts organised, you’ll be able to enter the conversation more confidently and have a thoughtful, constructive dialogue about what’s happened and what should come next.
Communicating Effectively with a Difficult Friend
Telling someone they haven’t been a good friend takes a delicate balance of honesty and tact. Your goal is to express your concerns clearly without damaging the relationship beyond repair. The right communication approach can help you share your feelings without triggering defensiveness, guilt, or anger.
Focus on solutions, not complaints: Don’t revisit every mistake or disappointment. Avoid overwhelming your friend with a long list of grievances. As Dr. Kass advises, “Address one issue at a time”—too much at once can cause them to shut down or stop listening.
Be specific and concrete: Instead of vague accusations, point to clear examples. For instance, saying, “You canceled our plans three times this month” is more helpful than saying, “You never show up.”
Use “I feel” statements: Frame your concerns around your own feelings rather than their faults. Dr. Kass recommends using “I” statements to keep the conversation focused on your experience and reduce the chance of defensiveness.
Give them space to speak—and really listen: Allow for silence and give your friend time to process and respond. Don’t dominate the conversation. Practice active listening and try to understand their perspective. As Dr. Kass puts it, “A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue.”
Acknowledge your own part: No one is perfect. Be open to hearing your friend’s side and recognise any ways you may have contributed to the problem. Owning your part builds mutual respect and helps the conversation stay constructive.
These conversations can be emotionally intense, so give both yourself and your friend time to reflect and respond with care.
Figuring Out the Next Step in the Friendship
What happens after the conversation depends on both your friend’s response and how you feel moving forward. Sometimes, your friend may take your concerns seriously, reflect on their actions, and make a genuine effort to change. When that happens, the friendship can improve—and may even grow stronger. If so, focus on maintaining open, honest communication so that you both feel safe discussing your relationship going forward.
However, not every situation ends this way. As Groskopf explains, “If both people are putting in effort, being honest, and showing a willingness to grow, the friendship may be worth saving. But if nothing changes and the relationship continues to be harmful, walking away might be the healthiest option.”
Studies show that people usually respond to toxic friendships in one of three ways: they separate certain parts of the friendship, gradually distance themselves, or end it entirely (Khullar et al., 2021).
Ultimately, only you can decide which choice is best for your well-being.
References
Amati V, Meggiolaro S, Rivellini G, Zaccarin S. (2018). Social relations and life satisfaction: the role of friends. Genus. 2018;74(1):7.
Holt-Lunstad J, Uchino BN. (2019). Social ambivalence and disease (Sad): a theoretical model aimed at understanding the health implications of ambivalent relationships. Perspect Psychol Sci. 2019;14(6):941-966.
Khullar TH, Kirmayer MH, Dirks MA. (2021). Relationship dissolution in the friendships of emerging adults: How, when, and why? J Soc Pers Relat. 2021;38(11):3243-3264. doi:10.1177/02654075211026015
https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-toxic-friend-8430982?
https://www.verywellmind.com/6-ways-to-tell-someone-they-re-being-a-bad-friend-8780436
Peter Mugi is a qualified Family Therapist, based in Kasarani, Nairobi, Kenya.
With a commitment to mental health, Mr Kuruga provides services in English and Kiswahili, including Counselling (Career), Counselling (Divorce), Counselling (Family), Counselling (Marriage), Individual and Couple Therapy, Marriage and Family Therapist Associate, Mediation, Online Counselling / Phone Therapy, Relationship Counselling and Stress Management.
Mr Kuruga has expertise in Addiction (Drugs and Substances), Adolescent Counselling, Behavioural and Emotional Problems, Bereavement and Loss, Divorce and/or Separation, Family Problems, Parenting Issues, Pre-Marital Counselling, Relationships and Marriage Problems and Suicide Ideation / Survivor.
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Important:
TherapyRoute does not provide medical advice. All content is for informational purposes and cannot replace consulting a healthcare professional. If you face an emergency, please contact a local emergency service. For immediate emotional support, consider contacting a local helpline.
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