Returning Home After Reserve Duty (Miluim): The Effect on Couples and Family

Since the Hamas attack on Israel on October 7, 2023 and the war that followed, the security situation in Israel has not remained limited to Gaza. Fighting also expanded to the northern front against Hezbollah along the border with Lebanon. As a result, hundreds of thousands of reservists were called up for extended service in Israel Defense Forces.

Many returned home after weeks or months of intense stress, danger, and difficult experiences.
But for many people, the real challenge begins after they return home.

In my clinic I increasingly meet individuals and couples who struggle with the emotional impact of reserve duty (miluim):
arguments at home, emotional distance in relationships, difficulties with intimacy, sleep problems, irritability, feelings of detachment, and sometimes symptoms of Post‑Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

This experience is much more common than many people think. It does not mean that something is “wrong” with you - it means the mind and body are trying to process an extreme period of stress.

Why Returning from Reserve Duty Can Be So Disorienting

During military reserve service, especially during wartime, the brain and body operate in survival mode.

The nervous system adapts to:

• constant alertness

• fragmented sleep

• high adrenaline levels

• exposure to danger

• continuous processing of difficult events

Then suddenly the soldier returns home.

But the brain cannot instantly switch from combat mode to normal life.

As a result, many reservists experience:

• irritability or anger outbursts

• difficulty relaxing

• emotional distance from family

• sleep problems or disturbing dreams

• a strong need for solitude

• sensitivity to noise or tension

The gap between life during reserve duty and life at home can be enormous.

The Uncertainty: The Possibility of Being Called Up Again

Another factor that makes adjustment difficult in Israel is the ongoing security uncertainty.

Many reservists know that they may be called up again by the Israel Defense Forces at any time if the security situation escalates.

For the partner who stayed home, this possibility creates constant anxiety:
Will we have to go through another separation? Another period of managing the home and children alone?

For the reservist, the possibility of another call-up often keeps the nervous system in a state of ongoing alertness.

When the body remains on high alert, it becomes much harder to:

• relax

• feel safe at home

• reconnect with family life

• concentrate on work or daily routines

Many people describe the feeling as if life is on pause between reserve duty rotations.

The Other Side: The Partner Who Stayed Home

The partner who remained at home also went through a very difficult period.

Many spouses had to:

• manage the household alone

• care for the children

• deal with constant anxiety

• maintain daily routines despite uncertainty

• worry about their partner’s safety

When the reservist returns, something confusing often happens.

Both partners went through difficult experiences - but completely different ones.

This difference can create emotional distance.

Why Conflicts Often Start After Returning from Reserve Duty

Many couples are surprised to discover that arguments start after the reunion.

Several factors contribute to this.

Changes in Roles at Home

The partner who stayed home may have become used to managing everything independently.

When the reservist returns, the couple suddenly has to renegotiate:

• responsibilities

• decision-making

• household roles

This transition is not always easy.

Emotional and Physical Exhaustion

The reservist often returns extremely tired.

But the partner who held everything together at home is also exhausted.

Both people want to be seen and understood — but sometimes there is simply not enough emotional energy to do so.

Difficulty Talking About What Happened

Some reservists do not want to talk about what they experienced.

Others want to share but feel that their partner cannot truly understand.

Sometimes the partner at home is afraid to ask questions.

This can lead to emotional silence within the relationship.

Intimacy Problems After Reserve Duty

One of the topics that is discussed less often is the impact on intimacy and closeness.

After a long period of high stress, the body may struggle to shift into a state of emotional and physical closeness.

Couples may experience:

• reduced sexual desire

• discomfort with physical touch

• emotional distance

• erectile difficulties

• a sense of unfamiliarity between partners

This is more common than many couples realize.

The body and nervous system need time to transition from survival mode to connection and intimacy.

Trauma After Reserve Duty

Some reservists are exposed to extremely difficult events during service.

The mind may respond through:

• flashbacks

• heightened alertness

• sleep disturbances

• avoidance of conversations about the experience

• irritability

• difficulty concentrating

Sometimes these are natural responses to extreme situations.

However, when symptoms persist, they may be related to Post‑Traumatic Stress Disorder.

In such cases, professional support can be very helpful.

Physical Injuries and Their Impact on Relationships

Some reservists also return home with physical injuries.

These may include:

• chronic pain

• limited mobility

• extreme fatigue

• changes in self-image

Physical injuries affect not only the individual but also the entire family system and relationship.

The Difficulty of Returning to Normal Life

Many people expect life to return to normal once reserve duty ends.

In reality, many experience:

• difficulty concentrating at work

• feelings of emptiness

• loss of motivation

• difficulty adjusting to routine life

These reactions are common after prolonged exposure to stress.

How Therapy Can Help After Reserve Duty

Psychological support can help in several ways.

Processing Difficult Experiences

Therapy can help the brain process difficult memories safely.

Reducing Anxiety and Hyper-Alertness

Learning tools that help the nervous system calm down.

Rebuilding Communication Between Partners

Helping couples understand each other’s experiences.

Restoring Emotional and Physical Intimacy

Rebuilding safety and closeness within the relationship.

In my work with clients I integrate:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

• mindfulness

• EMDR trauma therapy

• stabilization and emotional regulation techniques

The work is practical and focused on giving people real tools for everyday life.

You Are Not Alone

Many couples in Israel are currently facing similar challenges.

The combination of prolonged reserve duty, ongoing security tension, family pressure, and uncertainty creates an enormous emotional burden.

But with the right support it is possible to:

• reduce stress

• restore communication

• rebuild emotional connection at home

If you or your partner are struggling after reserve duty - with anxiety, relationship conflicts, emotional distance, or difficulties returning to routine - you do not have to face this alone.

The goal of therapy is not endless conversations, but real change and practical tools that help you regain stability, sleep better, and reconnect with your life and relationships.

Clinical Note and Supporting Research

The emotional and physical reactions described above are not only common in clinical practice, but are also supported by research on trauma, stress, and post-combat adjustment.

Studies on post-traumatic stress have shown that prolonged exposure to danger and chronic hyper-alertness can affect autonomic nervous system regulation, including patterns of arousal, sleep, startle responses, and the ability to shift back into states of safety and calm. For example, Schneider and Schwerdtfeger, in their systematic review and meta-analysis, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and Alterations in Resting Heart Rate Variability, found evidence consistent with autonomic dysregulation in PTSD, including reduced parasympathetic activity at rest. This helps explain why many people continue to feel “on alert” even after the external danger has passed.

From a clinical perspective, these findings are also consistent with trauma-informed models that focus on nervous system regulation. One such framework is Stephen W. Porges’ Polyvagal Theory: Current Status, Clinical Applications, and Future Directions, which describes how states of threat can interfere with a person’s ability to feel safe, socially engaged, and emotionally connected. While polyvagal theory is one of several models used in trauma-informed work, the broader principle that trauma affects autonomic regulation is well supported in the literature.

Research has also found an association between combat-related PTSD and sexual difficulties, including reduced desire, arousal problems, and erectile dysfunction. In Cosic, Medved, Jovanovic, and Pivanac’s study, Sexual Functioning in War Veterans with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, sexual dysfunction — including erectile difficulties — was significantly more common among war veterans with PTSD than among controls. This is clinically important, because short-term erectile difficulties after extreme stress may reflect a stress-related response rather than a permanent sexual disorder.

In other words, difficulties with sleep, irritability, emotional distance, hyper-alertness, and even intimacy problems after reserve duty are not unusual. They may reflect the nervous system’s attempt to adapt after a prolonged period of threat. With the right support, these reactions can be understood, treated, and gradually reduced.