Money & Marriage

Money is a serious matter for a family and is often minimized or misunderstood by the partners in many different ways. There are several dysfunctional scenarios in the marriage as far as money is concerned. In my counselling experience, I have witnessed some significant ones, where, for example, mothers of two or three kids were left on their own by their husbands, with nothing. They had to fight for months, years, in their divorce cases, with no pay, hoping someday the law finally would deliver them justice. The man in this case scenario is in total control of the family’s money and thinks the wife have no right to interfere since he is the one earning it.

A second scenario is when the man gives total control of the family’s finances to the wife; he is already quite busy at work and doesn’t want to be bothered with managing the money. I remember one of these cases where the husband was very resentful to the wife because there was not much left at the end of the month despite a wealthy monthly salary. He said: “We came to Singapore with the hope that in a few years we could save enough money to buy a house back in our own country and eventually to keep some extra to enjoy a good life. Instead, we have been here for three years, and we have no money saved. My salary and bonus are pretty substantial, but it looks like we have been setting our lifestyle too high, and now it is so difficult to go back. I am not sure what will happen. We must do something about it”. This is the result when both partners have no control over their money.

The third scenario is when both partners are aware and have access to the family’s money, but they have a different philosophy on how to spend it. Typically, either the husband or the wife is concerned about security, saving, children education and investments. The other would like him/her to be more relaxed about it, less worried, less stingy, less obsessed, and eventually allow more money for fun activities. Life is too short, she/he says, let’s have some fun and forget about money! No, says him/her, let’s make sure we have enough first, and then when children are independent we will enjoy our life. Lately, at one of my workshops, a Singaporean participant came to me at the coffee break with a sad face and said: “You know Leonardo, my wife has been telling me for years we should have some fun together, travel a bit… and in fact, I always liked the idea of travelling to see the world, but never done. I am now near my 50s, and I think my wife was right; children are ok, but my heart is tired; I look at my wife, and I think we have lost so much, in intimacy, in living. I feel guilty and sad because I made a bad call. I have some struggle in life, and I feel I can’t get back to what I have lost, such a shame!”

Who leads your marriage, You or Money?

These are just three different case scenarios, and I know others. Money is powerful; there is no such thing as ‘money is not important to me’; ‘money doesn’t bring you happiness; ‘money is boring’; ‘money is the only thing for me’; ‘all I want is money’. These expressions denote a dependency on money, either for good or wrong reasons. In reality, money is a vital part of our life, and therefore we need to be in charge of our money. Otherwise, money will be in charge of our life. No matter what kind of lifestyle you decide to live or philosophy you wish to adopt, you need money, and according to the amount of money you can count on, you need to manage it accordingly. You must make a conscious choice of doing that, whether you like it or not. At the beginning of their marriage, both partners, but I say better before getting married, must learn how to negotiate a formula that makes both comfortable and safe as far as money is concerned. Then they need to be responsible and accountable to deliver what they have agreed and committed to. There is no such thing as ‘it doesn’t matter’ because it does matter. In fact, it makes a life of difference.

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