Answering questions about Marriage

Marriage is an institution that brings security, stability and joy. But, given how frequently we hear of (or consider) divorce, the journey is far from easy and effortless. In this interview, Leonardo Talpo (marriage/relationship counsellor) answers important and practical questions about Marriage. Let's see yours last!

1) What are some common problems couples face after perhaps, 5 years of marriage.

According to my experience, every couple that has committed to spending their life together (married and non), have to go through three fundamental phases if they wish to continue to stay together and most of all enjoy time together. The first phase is the so-called Romantic period, or phase, where the couple lives in ecstasy, in a bubble and most of the time in denial. Basically, when we fall in love, we don’t want to see or we refuse to see, or even more, we give a positive connotation to certain obvious negative traits/behaviours we experience in our partner; we tend to justify everything. The extreme of the denial is when it is pretty obvious that what we see and experience is negative, but we end up by saying: "I am sure later he or she will change”, and that obviously will not happen, it may get worse.

So, the first big problem is we refuse in the first place to do the due diligence by knowing what marriage or living together is, what it means, what it is that we need to know and do before committing to such a big responsibility.

Think for a second, where do we learn to get married? What is marriage? How to stay happily married? What skills do we need to master in order to contribute to a healthy marriage? What are our responsibilities when we start a new family? Are we trained to manage together the important business, the important enterprise called family when we get married? These are all rhetorical questions because in the majority of the cases we don’t know, we are not trained, we don’t have the knowledge. We totally rely on the experience we developed or more precisely we witnessed and we modelled in our family of origin, from our daddy and mom, our parents, and currently even in more complicated settings such as mixed families, daddy or mom or both who divorced, remarried, siblings, stepbrothers/sisters. A big, complex and in many cases painful experience. That is the school from where we learn, or considering the statistics of the divorce rate around the world, is the school from where we don’t learn. But we need love, and when we find it we are refiled with hope and naively we even believe we can do better than our parents, we think that we know better and that we will never end up like them arguing, bickering, judging, blaming each other. Unfortunately, statistics say otherwise, the divorce rate is increasing and the number of years couples stay together is decreasing, meaning that fundamental issues and reasons are still there and getting stronger.

At this point, therefore, the second inevitable phase has arrived, the so-called “Power struggle” phase or I prefer to call it the “Emotional inability” phase.

Generally speaking, this phase starts a year or two after getting married, and very often coincide with the arrival of the first child, which accelerates the process of testing the couple under pressure. At this point, all of what at the beginning looked like trivial matters or issues we could swallow easily, now start to take a bigger shape. We become less patient, less understanding, more easily irritated by many small things that, if left unresolved, can become the reason for bigger and more serious discussions and eventually conflicts.

As I said previously since we are not equipped with the required knowledge, we end up reacting continuously to many things, and we blame our partner for whatever is not working in our own way. We, human beings, have a limited cognitive capacity, either we have a satisfying answer from our partner according to our expectations or we try to control not only the discussion but also our partner’s life; we try to change him or her according to how we see the world, according to what is emotionally convenient to us. Obviously, both partners behave in the same way, which will lead to arguments. How can we name this problem? It is the incapacity to communicate in an effective way, a way that could deliver a result that is good for the couple and not for one of the two only.

We all have expectations but most of the time partners don’t know how to sit-down peacefully and negotiate with interest and respect the differences they are experiencing, and find a final solution. This phase creates, pain, distance, loss of trust and hope. Builds resentment, anger, and the desire to continue as a couple diminished every day. The two become competitors and the situation will deteriorate to the point they have to make the decision either to continue in this dysfunctional way, divorce or seek help.

This is the most dangerous phase where most marriages risk divorce, either a physical or emotional divorce, or both. Some live separated in the same house for the sake of the children, or the fear of losing face, to be judged by others or for other materialistic interests; some even continue to fight after getting a divorce by using the children as a way to hurt each other. Children are often also involved in nasty conflicts and disputes between partners who paradoxically choose to stay together only because of the children. These children are then those young men I mentioned before that soon will have to fall in love and form a new family. The dysfunctional cycle never stops.

This is what fundamentally happens in the first few years of marriage, we struggle and very often we don’t have a healthy answer and the marriage deteriorates, often to a point of no return.

But the good news is that there is a third phase, the phase of the greatest opportunity; I will give more details about it in the answer to the last question of what couples should do.

2) Is the Seven Year Itch a myth? And is it as relevant to a woman as a man?

The Seven Year Itch is pretty much a myth for both women and men, but as every other myth, it originated from real facts as stereotypes. We love putting things happening in life into boxes, creating statistics and stories. For certain scopes or reasons, it can be good but it can also contribute to creating and maintaining narrow minds:

“You know, staying together with the same person for so many years, of course, you don’t feel as attracted as it used to!” - “We know after having children women don’t care anymore about their husbands as much as they used to, we become a second priority!” - “We are getting close to the seven years of marriage, of course, our marriage has problems, and all statistics say that! - “Men are like cats, when they smell the fish they can’t resist!” -

When we don’t have the knowledge we create excuses, myths, we stereotype everything. Paradoxically, once we belong to a box we feel better because we are not alone and we feel as we have found a solution; but obviously, our marriage doesn’t get any better.

The seven-year itch is nothing other than a serious message things cannot continue as they are. Is the sense that the vase is full and one more drop is too many. Is the sign that what we have accumulated for many years progressively has undermined our marriage. It may become a period of a roller coaster of feelings and negative feelings will have the priority. The strongest is very often the fear of losing everything we dreamed of during the romantic phase; then the disappointment for probably having chosen the wrong partner; the fear of not having a solution because whatever we think of as a solution seems too painful to face.

One more thing about the seven years myth, this is becoming already a past myth according to the statistics. Now couples tend to feel the itch much earlier, around three to four years after the marriage. This trend could be a good thing if couples decide to seek help and learn how to redesign the marriage; fewer years of struggle means less baggage to unload and could recover faster. But the opposite is also true, the risk of getting divorced quickly if the partners are not keen to learn.

3) What are some of the red flags that couples should look out for in a relationship?

• When we spend too much time separated, or better, we don’t spend quality time together because we are: too busy; too distracted; we take things for granted; we don’t find pleasure; we feel resigned.
• When we get angry and easily reactive to even trivial things.
• When we pretend things are ok but deep inside we are not happy.
• When we have the sense of walking on the eggs shell, no matter what we do or say it doesn’t make any difference.
• When we tend to judge or blame our partner very easily.
• When we build negative outcomes in our minds.
• When we run away from conflict because of whatever fear we have.
• When we avoid discussions for fear of getting into arguments.
• When we tend to please all the time, though we are not happy inside.
• When we expect something but are afraid of communicating it and confidently in negotiating expectations.
• When we don’t give value to our opinion.
• When we try to put down our partner in order to feel better, or more in power.
• When we are not very patient in listening, and even more not interested in putting ourselves in our partner shoes. In a nutshell, we are not very familiar with empathy.
• When we try to change our partner rather than try to understand him/her.
• When we don’t know what to do when our father or our mother interferes in our family’s matters.
• When we frequently argue about children’s education and upbringing.
• When we feel we enjoy staying longer at work rather than facing family’s matters.
• When we numb ourselves for hours in front of the mobile phone or TV in order to avoid confronting the reality of our life.
• When I am too bored and distant.
• When I am afraid of not being good enough.
• When do I believe my partner is not good enough?

4) Can you give us 5 things couples can do to keep their marriage/relationship updated (for want of a better word)? (For instance, renewing wedding vows?)

First of all, they need to learn how to communicate in a healthy way by creating a safe environment when they talk. My suggestion is to stop immediately judging and blaming one another. Remember, your emotions cannot find solutions; you are keen to discuss possible solutions when you feel understood and respected. It is learning the fundamental skill of negotiating expectations for each other’s benefit.

Second, remember that the fuel of marriage is love, and one very powerful way of pumping love inside the marriage is maintaining a very high standard of intimacy. Intimacy means enjoying time together talking about good things and challenges, dreams and achievements. Intimacy is feeling respected and given respect, it is engaging in discussions to solve problems with enthusiasm and the joy of being partners that care about their family.

Intimacy is patience, which involves time, listening with empathy and the capacity to acknowledge the effort our partner is putting in the marriage. Intimacy is the joy to create a space where you both feel free to be yourselves but with a strong sense of responsibility and accountability to the commitment, you made when you got married. Intimacy is to surprise your partner with a flower, with a kiss, with a hug, with a special holiday, with spending time without the kids around sometimes, without the mobile phone around, please! Intimacy is also the responsibility to create a sacred space for a healthy, long-lasting, lovemaking experience; feeling good in making love is very healthy.

The third important thing couples need to check consistently is if boundaries are in place and if, as partners, they are still aligned as far as important values of life are concerned. An example of boundaries is how much are we together in defining and applying for roles in the case other people try to influence our lives? Example: ‘how much our in-laws can interfere in our family?’; ‘how are we going to regulate your mother coming to our family and try to dictate behaviours that are important to her and not to us?’. Have you agreed in advance that it is allowed for both of you to go out with people of the opposite sex for what it looks like ‘an innocent drink’ - ‘just for a chat between fiends’ - ‘we just do because we work together - and so on, without informing one and another about it?

Values instead are those pillars that keep us individuals safe. Being aligned as partners on values of life in which we believe as individuals, means to give strong foundations to our family, it means walking in the same direction and it means materialising a common vision with joy. It means to have a strong sense that we are together for a great mission, in the good and the bad times. All this we promised to each other when we recited the wedding vows but often we forget too soon about it. Life passes and we compromise our values, too much often, and all of sudden we feel unsafe, emotionally and intellectually first, then even physically and spiritually. For example, if we commit at the beginning to the value of spending regular daily time together, talking/sharing, enjoying the time together and on the way we compromise because other life’s stimuli interfere with it, let’s say stay at work until late or stay on the mobile phone compulsively, then our relationship is compromised.

The fourth thing couple needs to be careful about is the routine; give things for granted. We start in the romantic phase feeling we can’t live without being together, without calling each other 4 times a day. Without, from time to time, doing something exciting and without sharing. We feel inseparable, two in one.

Unfortunately, not too long after we get married, we create space, we stop saying nice words to our partner as for example: ‘I really appreciate the excellent work you put every day in keep this house clean’ – ‘I treasure the effort you put in being present, physically and emotionally, and ask me if I need any help’ – ‘I enjoy hearing you say you love me because it reassures me’.

We become very self-centred and ‘intellectually lazy’, emotionally detached and we start giving things for granted: ‘Of course, he knows I love him, I don’t need to say it again – ‘I love my phone game, if she needs me I am sure she will ask me’ – ‘It is too boring talking, I prefer to watch the TV’. After a while, the couple is disconnected, starts growing apart, start losing interest in one another.

So, when you feel you are sliding into a too-comfortable routine ‘shake the boat’ and go back to fundamentals, go back and do the things that brought you together, that made you decide you wanted to spend the life together. Be creative and listen to each other in creating new activities that keep the couple motivated, excited and satisfied.

The fifth and perhaps the most important thing couples can do is to develop a constant attitude for learning, a complete switch of mindset. As I previously said we didn’t get a degree on how to be married and what marriage is about. We try very hard without possessing the necessary skills in dealing in concert with our partner to what life is presenting daily before us. It is very easy to end up struggling continuously and systematically, often about the same things, over and over again, perpetuating patterns without even realising it. As I said before, it is not fun to end up frustrated, confused and hurt in the phase of power-emotional struggle. But this phase nevertheless can be also a great opportunity for the couple and the family. The good news is we are intelligent beings, meaning our mind has the capacity to create solutions of any kind. However, as I said, we have limited cognitive capacity, which means if we don’t learn, if we don’t acquire knowledge that allows us to change our behaviours, we end up doing the same things we know over and over. It doesn’t matter how dysfunctional they are, we continue to perform our patterns because we don’t know any better because we have seen them in our family of origin, because also our relatives, our friends, our colleagues do the same.

The good news is we can change it! We don’t have to change our partner, how he thinks, we have to start changing our behaviours, our thinking; change our narrow mindset. We can learn to communicate in a very respectful way, contribute with multiple solutions to overcome difficulties that come in our way. We can learn to negotiate differences and expectations. WE CAN LEARN HOW TO BECOME PARTNERS, FINALLY! And this is the third phase, the phase that will change the couple for the better and that changes will be extremely beneficial for the legacy you wish to give to your children, which will get married soon and that will form the new family.

We can stop the cycle but very often alone is not easy, as in other settings when we have to learn new skills we go to school, we look for a teacher, also in marriage we need to have the courage to seek help. Remember, you are not the only one going through this phase, all married people have to, but only those committed to the patient work of redesigning a new couple will have the chance to see the dream fulfilled of being happy ever after.

Leonardo Talpo - Marriage/Relationship Counsellor - July 2018