Husbands May Be Insecure Too

Have you ever, either consciously or unconsciously, conveyed to your husband that you think he falls short? In my over ten years of working with couples, I've seen that even a hint of inadequacy can create a void that obstructs emotional intimacy and can instantly diminish a man's sexual desire. Your husband is not a superhero. He doesn't possess Superman's physical strength, nor is he emotionally invulnerable. However, many portrayals in movies, on television, and on social media set an unrealistic standard for how men should look and feel. This false image exacerbates the average man's insecurities, especially when we assume he should have none.

What if your husband's body is just average? He might not openly admit it, but he likely feels as self-conscious about his appearance as you do about yours. Whether he's very thin, a bit heavier, or shorter than you, he still wants you to see him as the sexiest man alive. Additionally, based on his background and influences, he might feel pressured to be skilled with tools, fix household issues, maintain the car, and be an exceptionally attentive and sensitive lover, always in tune with your desires.

Consider the expectations placed on your husband compared to society's unrealistic standards of femininity. Are we reinforcing unreasonable standards of masculinity? Are we setting our husbands up for failure by not seeing them through a more compassionate lens? Your husband is human and needs a supportive partner to share life's burdens. When we embrace our role as his helper (as described in Genesis 2:18), we foster his emotional and physical connection to us. Failing to do this may make him feel as though you're against him, causing him to withdraw sexually. It's time to let go of the ideal of the perfect sexual man who is impervious to emotional pain, as this is not the image of a loving, godly man.

It is perfectly fine for a loving, godly man to prefer more cuddling and less sex. Problems arise when the husband only wants to cuddle, and the wife desires more intimacy but doesn't express this. The issue lies in hoping rather than communicating. Many women struggle to articulate their needs, especially sexual ones, often thinking, "If my husband were in tune with me, he would know my needs." This leads to the unrealistic expectation that husbands should be mind readers. In my experience, no husband can "just know."

This situation is exacerbated when a husband's insecurities and feelings of inadequacy come into play. He might start doubting his masculinity and thinking, she can’t possibly love me if...

• I'm not muscular.

• I don't have a 32-inch waist.

• I lack handyman skills.

• I'm not pursuing her enough sexually.

• I don't know exactly how and when she needs help.

• I'm not able to read her desire signals.

• I should be a better father.

• I should be better at managing the finances.

Notice the common themes in each thought: "I’m not," "I don’t," and "I should." These feelings can lead him to experience shame. Keep in mind that your husband's heart cannot deflect emotional pain; it may be more sensitive than you realize. When emotional wounds pierce his heart, you might observe a decrease in sexual desire, increased isolation, impatience, or even anger directed at you. This is what happens when messages of shame or inadequacy are internalized.

To understand insecurities related to self-esteem and the impact of media on self-image, we must first acknowledge that most of the information traditionally focuses on women. However, new research highlights that men also struggle with eating disorders, anabolic steroid use, and body image concerns (see "A Review of Research on Men’s Body Image and Drive for Muscularity," in The Psychology of Men and Masculinities). More men are now coming forward to share their pain and struggles.

According to Viren Swami, a professor of social psychology at Anglia Ruskin University, "It's estimated that between 30% and 40% of men are anxious about their weight, and up to 85% are dissatisfied with their muscularity. Many men desire a lean and muscular physique, often associated with masculinity." Males start noticing numerous physical flaws during adolescence, and these perceptions often lead to anxieties about intimacy and sexual performance with their wives.

Do we understand his sense of pride? Not an unbiblical pride, but pride in his accomplishments and hard work for us and the family. Do we recognize the joy he feels when he sees his wife smile with pride at him? And how often do we tell him that he’s amazing?

Husbands need affirmation too. Let him know he is a loving, good, and godly partner. Truly believe that he is genuinely trying, even if not perfectly. Remember, he is your husband, not your Savior. Although we all have our shortcomings, it’s important to let him know how much you value and appreciate him.

Peter Mugi Kuruga | Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist