How Conflict Can Be Your Greatest Ally in Relationships

Conflict. In close relationships. With family. At work. With your partner. With strangers. About politics. On the news. In the streets. War. On social media. And algorithms that send us a one-sided picture of what we already know and are already fixated on…

We are becoming more and more polarised, more and more divided:

Me vs. The “Other”

Same vs. Different

Love vs. Hate

Good vs. Bad

Right vs. Wrong

There are ever-growing extremes wherever we look. Evolutionarily we are wired for distinction and polarisation. It makes our lives easier. It is fundamentally part of being human to categorise and group, but yet all these polarised opinions of right versus wrong create CONFLICT - a word which is terrifying for most of us.

What's the first word that jumps into your head now when you think of conflict? If you can, take a moment to reflect on what conflict means for you: What fears appear? What does your mind start telling you? Maybe it's tension, difference of opinions, shouting or aggression.

The vast majority of my clients will look at me in disbelief when I suggest that conflict has great potential for good. I didn’t always believe this either, but more and more I see this to be true as I apply it and test it out in my own relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t enter into conflict with just anyone! I definitely choose carefully where to put my energy and with whom. In the relationships that are truly dear to me and that I want to nurture and invest in long-term, I am more and more able to confront conflict as I learn the depths of our commitment and the safety - both within myself and within our relationship - to express disagreement and to feel ridiculous and triggered.

Conflict is not something most of us want. But that's just one side of conflict. Another side of conflict is communication, the expression of needs and emotions, the mobilisation of energy, passion and our truth. Our differences don't have to necessarily divide us, they can also build bridges and connection. Used in the right way, in the right context and with the right people, our differences can make us stronger.

A Counterintuitive Perspective on Conflict

I'll start by asking two questions:

• Is conflict the enemy?
• Is it to be avoided, or embraced?

The answer I propose may seem counterintuitive, but bear with me for a second.

I view conflict as:

• the beginning of a conversation (vs. the end)
• the birth of new ideas (vs. the end of a relationship)
• bringing us together, amplifying love and understanding, embracing differences (vs. creating more animosity, more anger and more distance)

You may then say, “Danielle, that’s all very well in theory, but how on earth do I deal with conflict when it actually happens?!!” Well, by going through it and facing it, with grace, compassion and connection, rather than shrinking away, exploding, avoiding the person altogether, not making eye contact, distancing yourself, giving the cold shoulder and silent treatment, or running from the fear of what you might hear or say…

The Practical Solution

“The only way out is through” — Robert Frost

It’s not generally what we want to hear. We’d much rather find a quick solution that doesn’t require us to lean into the very feelings that we’d prefer to avoid. This phrase by Robert Frost has always stuck with me and serves me well when I would rather run for the hills but yet know I want to choose to face something. Sometimes* there are things that are uncomfortable, but yet we need to confront them if we want to grow. And I personally would much rather grow than remain stuck, silent and resentful.

*Again, I am NOT saying that we should enter into conflict with absolutely everyone that we meet. There is a place for vulnerability, and also for boundaries, but within a close relationship where there is a desire for closeness and understanding and within a relationship that has the capacity for safe expression, conflict can be a powerful tool for open dialogue, creativity, and building more love, more connection and greater trust.

I’d like to focus on four things that I believe can be of help in embracing conflict with someone from a loving rather than fearful place:

A positive attitude towards conflict:

An active decision by everyone involved to embrace and express disagreement and different opinions for the sake of creativity, growth, vulnerability and connection.

Shared core values:

A good relationship is based on shared values, even if each person’s interests, beliefs and approaches of how to arrive at that shared value are different. Opposites do attract, it’s the spice of life, for sure, but without common values, a relationship doesn’t have good roots from which to grow and expand.

Demonopolisation of the ownership of knowledge:

A firm belief that no one person has a monopoly on knowledge, that no one person is necessarily right (and good) while the other is wrong (and bad), and an openness to there being more than one, correct way to think or act.

Dedication and commitment to the relationship:

Showing the other person your dedication and commitment to the relationship, even when you don’t agree or understand each other, can build trust and help to overcome the difference of opinion. In a relationship, there are three parts: an "I", a "you", and a "we". "I" and "we" are very different concepts. The "we" makes you a team. Exploring the conflict from the perspective of the "we" accentuates the needs of the relationship as a whole, from the perspective of a team with a commitment to maintaining and expanding love, understanding and shared goals.

A First Step Towards Action and Change

Let's go back to those questions from the beginning of the article and reflect on what conflict brings up for you, what fears appear and what your mind starts telling you could happen. Start observing when and how you avoid possible moments of conflict in your life.

• What do you imagine could be the outcome of the conflict? Has this ever happened? What is the likeliness of this happening in reality?
• Are there negative consequences of avoiding this conflict?
• What are the payoffs (the benefits) you get from avoiding it?
• How could it sometimes be in your interest to face it?

And perhaps next time you feel the terror of potential conflict creeping up, take a deep breath and observe how you feel, what comes up for you and how your body is reacting. Remember that conflict doesn't have to be inherently bad. Communication can bring us closer with those who don't know what we need, how we are feeling or how to help us. Take another deep breath...

Sometimes stepping outside of your comfort zone may be exactly what we need in order to grow and learn and overcome patterns of behaviour that no longer serve you. Ask yourself: Is this something I want to face or walk away from?

If you are interested in learning more about this positive perspective on conflict in relationships, my thoughts on the matter have been deeply influenced by a book (with a ridiculously cringy sounding title) I came across by Anne Geraghty called How to make your relationship work: Learn to love and be loved. I highly recommend it!

About the Author

My name is Danielle. I am a therapeutic counsellor from South Africa living abroad, specialising in emotional support for expats and foreigners living away from home and in other cultures. I create a safe, transformative space where my clients can get to know themselves deeply, reconnect with themselves, confront their obstacles, experience change and authenticity, and develop emotional tools and resources to manage stress and navigate the challenges of today’s often imbalanced and unhealthy world. Visit my website at therapyspain.com for more insights and resources.