Change Versus the Pain of Staying the Same

Transformation in therapy cannot happen without internal change taking place at the same time.

If there is no shift in what we do, feel or believe about ourselves and the world around us, how do we expect to be able to influence the outcome: to feel more emotionally balanced, lovable, at peace or improve our relationships?

Albert Einstein was clear on this too. He said it brilliantly, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”. If we keep on doing what we’ve always done, we’ll keep getting what we’ve always gotten.

It seems obvious, but man can it feel hard to change!

Sadly, change often requires hitting rock bottom. The feeling of our very survival and health depending on change happening is able to drive us to overcome our obstacles and step outside our comfort zone. But, we can also get there another way that isn't so dramatic and devastating: through therapy, personal development, coaching, etc. The goal of striving for optimum health and balance, instead of just reacting to and avoiding a lack of it, is an alternative to having to enter into a complete crisis before being able to face change.

Change is uncomfortable.

And there’s no doubt that it requires you to give something of yourself in order to achieve change.

But unless we want to stay where we are, having acknowledged that we feel stuck or unsatisfied, this change and uncomfortability is the only way out.

So What Does Change Require of Us?

Courage.

The courage to let go: of what we think we have to be and do in order to be loved and accepted by others, of what we have to do, feel and think in order to love ourselves and to feel we are worthy and enough. It requires the courage to tolerate frustration, uncomfortability and the unknown.

Open-mindedness.

A willingness to make a shift in our identity. A shift in what we value, in what we believe gives us value and worth.

The Why.

Knowing the reason - the why - which is fueling the change.

Faith.

A belief that we can grow, that we can change, that we can come back to our natural balance that we lost as we tried to fit in and be lovable to those we were dependent on as children. Courage wouldn’t make sense without this faith. If you don’t have it, find someone who does and who can believe in your transformation even while you don’t have this clarity yet.

Learning.

Change requires going through a period of learning. What is learning? For me, it is a feeling of not knowing, confusion, insecurity, a lack of mastery and imperfection, of practising. It’s scary and you may feel very lost during the process, but it’s also the route to growth and change.

In Gestalt therapy this feeling of being lost is described by the concept of impasse. It is when you know that you need to get from A to B. You know that A no longer serves you or feels healthy for you and yet it’s not clear how to achieve B. Your current way of being in the world no longer feels like an option, but you don’t know how to make the changes you so badly need in order to feel safe, balanced, worthy or enough. This is an impasse.

The Way Forward

Have courage, have faith in your needs, and in the wisdom of your body, its messages and its signals. Have faith in the needs that are coming up for you and the faith that with support you can find your way forward towards greater self-awareness and a more genuine You.

If you are stuck, unsatisfied or living with depression and anxiety, you have so little to lose by staying the same and so much to gain by trying something different.

Your comfort zone may be just that: so comfortable… so safe …so familiar.

But it’s not where you grow…

So get clear on the WHY, on the need for change, on the possibilities that it can open up for you, and not only on what you will be letting go of. Let the WHY give you the strength to stay and learn in the scary moments. Know, my darling, that on the other side of the learning curve is your growth.

About the Author

My name is Danielle. I am a therapeutic counsellor from South Africa living abroad, specialising in emotional support for expats and foreigners living away from home and in other cultures. I create a safe, transformative space where my clients can get to know themselves deeply, reconnect with themselves, confront their obstacles, experience change and authenticity, and develop emotional tools and resources to manage stress and navigate the challenges of today’s often imbalanced and unhealthy world. Visit my website at therapyspain.com for more insights and resources or send me a message if you’d like to know more about sessions.