Five Hard Truths in Marriage Couples Recognise Too Late
Love may bring you together—but it’s not enough to keep you there. Marriage takes more than affection; it requires growth, maintenance, and honest reflection.
Marriage is both deeply fulfilling and incredibly challenging. While many begin with high hopes, the truth is that it requires continuous growth and learning over a lifetime. As a psychologist who studies relationships, I’ve worked with many couples who only come to realise some of marriage’s toughest lessons after facing conflict, disappointment, or even divorce.
Dr Mark Travers, a psychologist who specialises in relationships, from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder, lists these five difficult truths that can increase your chances of building a strong and fulfilling relationship:
1. Love Alone Isn’t Enough to Sustain a Marriage
Many couples assume that love will naturally keep their relationship strong. However, love alone doesn’t resolve differences in communication styles, personal values, or long-term goals. What truly holds a marriage together is commitment, effort, and a willingness to grow together. While love can keep the spark alive, it’s the everyday choices and actions that truly make a lasting impact. How you handle conflict, support each other, and continue growing together are the key factors that define the strength of your marriage.
2. You’re Going to Argue—A Lot
A common myth about marriage is that truly compatible couples don’t fight. In reality, conflict is not only unavoidable but also necessary. A lack of arguments may actually indicate that important issues are being ignored rather than addressed. It’s not the disagreements themselves that harm a relationship—it’s how they are handled. When approached constructively, conflict can strengthen a marriage by fostering honest discussions about each partner’s needs and concerns, ultimately leading to better problem-solving. The key is to learn how to argue in a healthy way. Avoid blame, stonewalling, and personal attacks. Instead, create a space where both of you feel safe to express your thoughts openly and without judgment.
3. Your Partner Can’t Fulfill Every Need
Many people go into marriage expecting their spouse to be their *everything*—their best friend, emotional support, motivator, and problem-solver. While relying on each other is natural, placing the burden of fulfilling all your needs on one person is unrealistic. A healthy marriage allows space for individuality. This means maintaining personal interests, friendships, and goals outside the relationship. Having a strong sense of self prevents resentment and keeps the marriage from feeling overwhelming. A successful partnership isn’t about two incomplete halves trying to complete each other—it’s about two whole individuals growing together.
4. A Marriage Without Maintenance Will Fall Apart
Many couples underestimate the effort required to sustain a healthy marriage. While the honeymoon phase may feel effortless, daily responsibilities—work, children, finances, and health—can eventually push the relationship to the back burner. To keep your marriage strong, it’s essential to schedule regular check-ins and prioritize quality time together. Just like a car needs routine maintenance to keep running, a marriage requires ongoing care and attention to thrive.
5. You Will Both Change Over Time
The person you marry at 25 won’t be the same person at 45. People grow, priorities shift, and life circumstances evolve. Instead of resisting change, embracing it allows you to appreciate the journey of witnessing each other’s growth. The strongest couples adapt and evolve together. While change can cause some partners to drift apart, those who remain committed find new reasons to love each other every day. This requires openness to new experiences and giving each other the space to grow without feeling threatened.
At Giving Hope Counselling Services, we understand that marriage is a journey filled with both joy and challenges. Love alone isn’t always enough, conflict is inevitable, and both you and your partner will change over time—but you don’t have to navigate these realities alone. Our expert therapists provide the guidance and tools needed to foster healthy communication, set realistic expectations, and strengthen your bond. Whether you're struggling with conflict, emotional distance, or unrealistic pressures, we’ll help you build a marriage based on trust, growth, and mutual support. Let us help you create a thriving partnership that stands the test of time. Book a session today and start building a healthier, happier marriage!
References
Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishers.
Peter Mugi is a qualified Family Therapist, based in Kasarani, Nairobi, Kenya.
With a commitment to mental health, Mr Kuruga provides services in English and Kiswahili, including Counselling (Career), Counselling (Divorce), Counselling (Family), Counselling (Marriage), Individual and Couple Therapy, Marriage and Family Therapist Associate, Mediation, Online Counselling / Phone Therapy, Relationship Counselling and Stress Management.
Mr Kuruga has expertise in Addiction (Drugs and Substances), Adolescent Counselling, Behavioural and Emotional Problems, Bereavement and Loss, Divorce and/or Separation, Family Problems, Parenting Issues, Pre-Marital Counselling, Relationships and Marriage Problems and Suicide Ideation / Survivor.
Click here to schedule a session with Mr Kuruga.
Important:
TherapyRoute does not provide medical advice. All content is for informational purposes and cannot replace consulting a healthcare professional. If you face an emergency, please contact a local emergency service. For immediate emotional support, consider contacting a local helpline.
Find a Therapist
Find skilled psychologists, psychiatrists, and counsellors near you.
