Common Phrases We Shouldn’t Say to Our Kids

Believe it or not, some of the everyday phrases we use with our kids might actually be more harmful than helpful. It's easy to fall back on common sayings like "practice makes perfect" or "you're okay"—we've all done it! However, it turns out that these familiar phrases aren't always the most supportive. While it's unrealistic to completely avoid them, understanding why they might not always be the best choice can be valuable. Below find some common phrases that could be more harmful than you think, along with suggestions for what to say instead.

1. "Great Job!"

Research indicates that using generic phrases like "Great job" or "Way to go" whenever your child accomplishes something can make them reliant on your approval rather than fostering their own internal motivation, says Jenn Berman, PsyD, a Parents advisor and author. Reserve praise for moments when it's genuinely deserved, and be as specific as possible. Instead of saying "Super game," try something like, "That was a great assist. I appreciate how you looked out for your teammate."

2. "Practice Makes Perfect."

It's true that the more time your child invests, the better their skills will get. However, this saying can increase the pressure to win or excel. "It implies that if you make mistakes, you didn't practice enough," explains Joel Fish. Instead, encourage your child to work hard because it will help them improve and take pride in their progress, because we all may never attain perfection.

3. "You're Okay."

When your child scrapes their knee and starts crying, your first instinct might be to reassure them that they're not seriously hurt. However, telling them they're fine might actually make them feel worse. "Your child is crying because they don't feel okay," says Dr. Berman. Your role is to help them process and understand their emotions, not dismiss them. Instead, try giving them a hug and acknowledging their feelings by saying something like, "That was a scary fall." Then ask if they'd like a bandage, a kiss, or both.

4. "Hurry Up!"

Your child is slowly eating breakfast, insists on tying their own shoes (even though they haven't quite perfected it yet), and is on track to be late for school... again. However, urging them to speed up only adds more stress, says Linda Acredolo. Instead, try softening your tone and saying, "Let's hurry." This approach conveys that you're working together as a team.

5. "I'm On a Diet."

If your child notices you stepping on the scale daily and hears you discussing food in terms of body image, they might start to develop an unhealthy body image themselves, says Marc S. Jacobson, M.D., professor of pediatrics and epidemiology at Nassau University Medical Center. Instead, try to focus on food as a source of energy and nutrition, rather than as a reward, and avoid categorizing foods as "good" or "bad."

6. "We Can't Afford That."

It's common to fall back on this response when your child asks for the latest toy, but doing so can signal that you're not in control of your finances, which can be unsettling for kids, says Jayne Pearl. Instead, try a different approach, like saying, "We're not going to buy that because we're saving our money for more important things." If they persist, it's a great opportunity to start a conversation about budgeting and managing money.

7. "Don't Talk to Strangers."

This concept can be difficult for a young child to understand. Even if someone is unfamiliar, a child might not consider them a stranger if they seem nice. Additionally, this rule could backfire, leading kids to avoid emergency personnel they don’t know. Instead of focusing on the idea of strangers, discuss specific scenarios, like "What would you do if a man you don't know offers you candy and a ride home?" Have them explain their response, and then guide them toward the right actions.

8. "Be Careful."

Telling your child to be careful while they're balancing on the monkey bars can actually increase the chances of them falling. "Your words distract them from their task," says Deborah Carlisle Solomon. If you're feeling nervous, quietly move closer to them to provide support in case they slip, while remaining as calm and quiet as possible.

9. "No Dessert Unless You Finish Dinner."

Using this phrase can make a child see the treat as more valuable, reducing their enjoyment of the meal itself, says Parents advisor Dr David Ludwig, author of Ending the Food Fight. Instead, try rephrasing it to something like, "First, we eat our meal, and then we have dessert." This slight change in wording can have a much more positive effect on your child.

10. "Let Me Help."

When your child is having trouble building a block tower or completing a puzzle, it’s natural to want to help, but try to hold back. "Intervening too early can undermine your child's independence," says Professor Myrna Shure. Instead, ask guiding questions to help them work through the problem, such as, "Which piece do you think should go at the bottom, the big one or the small one? Why do you think that? Let's give it a try."

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Peter Mugi Kuruga | Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist

References

Acredolo, L., & Goodwyn, S. (2000). Baby minds: Brain-building games your baby will love. Bantam.

Berman, J. (2010). The A to Z guide to raising happy, confident kids. New World Library.

Fish, J. (2007). 101 ways to be a terrific sports parent: Making athletics a positive experience for your child. Simon and Schuster.

Hooks, L. M. (2009). Ending the Food Fight. Childhood Education, 85(5), 327.

Pearl, J. A. (1999). Kids and Money: Giving Them the Savvy to Succeed Financially (Vol. 32). UNC Press Books.

Shure, M. (1996). Raising a thinking child. Simon and Schuster.

Solomon, D. C. (2013). Baby Knows Best: Raising a Confident and Resourceful Child, the RIETM Way. Hachette UK.

Resources for Common Phrases to Avoid with Our Kids and What to Say Instead

Parents Together - Provides a list of eleven common phrases that parents should avoid using with their children and offers alternative phrases that are more supportive and constructive.

ParentMap - Suggests more positive and effective ways to communicate.

HealthyChildren.org - Offers guidance on disciplining children, including strategies for effective communication and discipline approaches to foster positive behavior.