Want to Bond Better? Try These Couples Counseling Exercises

By Team TherapyRoute

Every couple has difficult periods. A difficult period does not always mean the relationship is failing.

This page sets out a small number of exercises couples can try at home. Each one rests on published research rather than on general advice.

The limits are set out too. Where the evidence for an exercise is thin, the page says so.

What the research really says about couples exercises

Popular lists promise that a few clever exercises will fix things. The evidence is more modest.

One long study compared skills training with simple relationship awareness.¹ Couples who received no help separated more often than couples who received either the skills training or the awareness session.

The awareness session worked about as well as the skills drills. Practising skills may even work by making couples more aware of what is not going well, rather than by teaching a new technique.

So awareness matters. Attention to the relationship, and to each other, may count for more than any particular technique.

Relationship satisfaction also tends to stay stable over time.² Personal history, personality and stress strongly shape how a relationship fares. Those are not things a short exercise changes.

Many of the popular tools were built for couples in serious distress. They may not suit every relationship.

Before you begin: a safety note

These exercises assume two people who feel safe with each other. They are not for relationships that involve abuse, control or violence, and nothing on this page is a substitute for getting to safety.

If you are afraid of your partner, that comes first. The services listed below can help.

Setting up for these exercises

Pick a calm time, not the middle of an argument. Put phones away. Give each other full attention for as long as the exercise takes.

Go slowly. Some of these questions raise painful feelings, and stopping partway through is a reasonable thing to do.

Progress is slow and uneven. Old habits took years to form, and they change slowly rather than all at once.

Seven exercises worth trying

Each exercise below rests on one idea from the research above. Use the ones that fit. Leave the rest.

1. Celebrate each other's good news

When your partner tells you about something good that has happened, respond with interest. Ask questions. Show that you are pleased.

One study found that responses to good news predicted wellbeing more than responses to bad news.³ The small moments count, not only the difficult ones.

2. The daily check-in

Once a day, ask two questions. How are you feeling, and what do you need from me?

Asked every day, this builds a habit of paying attention to each other's state. The regularity matters more than any single answer. Over time each partner understands the other more accurately.

3. The mindful pause during conflict

When a conversation becomes tense, slow down and notice what your body is doing. Take a breath before answering.

Mindfulness means noticing what you are feeling and sensing right now, without judging it. Practised during conflict, it can ease the body's stress response.⁴

Positive emotion can also undo the body's arousal from negative feelings.⁵ Arousal here means the physical side of stress, such as a faster heartbeat and tense muscles.

4. Step into each other's view

Take a recent disagreement. Each of you explains it from the other's side, as accurately as you can manage.

The aim is not to agree. It is to understand what your partner felt at the time, and what they were afraid of.

Understanding each other's inner world can build trust between partners.⁶ Inner world here means what a person thinks, feels and expects, much of which is never said out loud.

5. The Miracle Question

Ask each other one question. If you woke to a small miracle, what would feel different?

The Miracle Question comes from solution-focused therapy, not from dialectical behaviour therapy.⁷ Solution-focused therapy looks for what is already working, then builds on it. The question was developed by Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg.⁷

Do not rush to an answer. The point is the picture, described in as much detail as each of you can give.

6. Name what really needs to change

Gentle talk is useful. But handling every disagreement gently is not always the best thing to do.⁸

When the problem is serious, direct disagreement can help more than soothing words.⁸ Name the real issue. Say it kindly and clearly.

Common sources of conflict include money, intimacy, time, parenting and unmet expectations.⁸ Many couples say the hardest part is talking a disagreement through at all.

For more, see our guide on conflict resolution.

7. Small rituals of connection

Build small, regular habits that put the two of you in the same place at the same time. An evening walk counts. So does a shared cup of coffee in the morning.

These habits keep the relationship in mind during a busy week. Awareness matters more than large gestures.

When exercises are not enough

Home exercises can only do so much. Some patterns are long-standing, repeat in every argument, and need a trained couples therapist.

Several couple therapies are well established, including emotionally focused therapy.⁹ It helps partners understand the emotions they feel during conflict, rather than only the subject they are arguing about.

Some self-guided programmes, such as Hold Me Tight, also have research support.⁹

In one trial, two relationship-education programmes improved couple relationship quality and family harmony.¹⁰ One of them also improved mental health and sleep. Relationship education here means a structured course for couples, rather than therapy.

Finding the right fit takes some thought. Our guide can help you choose a therapist.

Frequently asked questions

Can these exercises replace couples therapy?

Not always. For serious or long-standing problems, therapy is often the better option.

Several couple therapies have strong research behind them. Home exercises work best as a support, and are not a substitute for treatment when the problem is serious.

What if only one partner is willing?

You can still start alone. Individual therapy is a reasonable option when a partner will not attend.

Changes in one partner can change how the relationship feels for both of them, even if only one is doing the work. The other partner sometimes becomes willing to join later.

Are these exercises safe for every relationship?

No. Where there is abuse, control or fear, they are not appropriate.

Safety comes first in those situations. Use the crisis resources above, which list services by country.

How soon will we see change?

There is no set timeline, and progress is often slow. Relationship satisfaction tends to be stable.²

Small, steady habits matter more than fast results. Stay patient and kind with each other.

References

1. [1] Rogge, R. D., Cobb, R. J., Lawrence, E., Johnson, M. D., & Bradbury, T. N. (2013). Is skills training necessary for the primary prevention of marital distress and dissolution? A 3-year experimental study of three interventions. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 81(6), 949-961. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24060193.
2. [2] Bradbury, T. N., & Lavner, J. A. (2012). How can we improve preventive and educational interventions for intimate relationships? Behavior Therapy, 43(1), 113-122. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22304883.
3. [3] Gable, S. L., Gonzaga, G. C., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Supportive responses to positive event disclosures. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 904-917. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17059309.
4. [4] Laurent, H. K., Hertz, R., Nelson, B., & Laurent, S. M. (2016). Mindfulness during romantic conflict moderates the impact of negative partner behaviors on cortisol responses. Hormones and Behavior, 79, 45-51. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26795454.
5. [5] Yuan, J. W., McCarthy, M., Holley, S. R., & Levenson, R. W. (2010). Physiological down-regulation and positive emotion in marital interaction. Emotion, 10(4), 467-474. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20677864.
6. [6] Asen, E., & Fonagy, P. (2017). Mentalizing family violence part 2: techniques and interventions. Family Process, 56(1), 22-44. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28133724.
7. [7] Searight, R. (2010). Review of pragmatic solution-focused therapy for substance abuse: the miracle question in solution-focused therapy, developed by de Shazer and Berg. Frontiers in Psychology, 1, 149. pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3125538.
8. [8] What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? PMC5181851. pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5181851.
9. [9] Doss, B. D., Roddy, M. K., Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2022). A review of the research during 2010-2019 on evidence-based treatments for couple relationship distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 48(1), 283-306. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34866194.
10. [10] Adler-Baeder, F., McGill, J., Dede Yildirim, E., Gregson, K., Cooper, E., Burke, L., Finnegan, V., & Jackel, R. (2022). Concurrent randomized control trials of the 1-year efficacy of two couple relationship education programs: ELEVATE and Couples Connecting Mindfully. Family Process, 61(3), 986-1004. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35048389.