The Change Process: Why can it be so difficult to change?
Have you ever wondered why it can be so difficult to stick to your new years resolutions and enact meaningful change? The process of change is a lot more complicated than you may think.
“New Year: New Me” says the mantra/meme that encourages change throughout January and maybe a little into February, but often dies off around March. What appeared to be ready for change in December comes back around a few months later when we lose motivation and give up. We’re left angry at ourselves, kicking ourselves that we can’t make these new habits stick. Slipping back into old ways can happen for many reasons, but our readiness and acceptance of change are often the main ones. Today, we’re looking at the process of change and how we can enact upon it meaningfully.
To begin the process, we should look at an ending. The ending of the old ways, what was. Endings always have losses, and whether that is giving up chocolate, a delightful free hour of our day, or something we know and love, the losses can be hard to bear. Loss can resemble grief in many ways: feeling shock, disbelief, confusion, disorientation, anger, despair, and hopelessness… all difficult feelings to process and manage. You can see how it would be easy to slip back into old habits before you’ve even begun to change because loss is difficult. When it’s imposed on you, it can sometimes be easier – your decision has been taken away, and you have to accept this ‘new normal’. However, when you impose this change on yourself, it might be more difficult to maintain. You have the opportunity to return to the old ways, and if your motivation cannot carry you through this loss, it sometimes feels easier to go with what you know just to calm these difficult feelings.
Your early experience with loss will help you identify if you have the motivation to carry you through. If you were well supported in your relationships as a child or young person, you’d be more able to process and move through this loss. If your relationships weren’t supportive, maybe they left you feeling confused or overwhelmed, then you’re less likely to be able to deal with this loss of habit as well. You’re more likely to rush back to it, to its comfort, to the habits that you know—better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, as they say.
On the other side of this loss, you’ll find yourself in limbo, a neutral zone. This is where you’ll feel uncertain about the outcome of this change. The future is a mystery, and you might have doubts about what will happen for the rest of the year. Your ability to tolerate uncertainty is important here. If you’re unable to tolerate uncertainty, maybe because of stress, health concerns, trouble sleeping, or negative family or social dynamics, you’re less likely to make it through this segment of meaningful change. There is no timeline for this zone, and you don’t know when you’ll be able to get back to normal, whatever that looks like now. ‘Negative Capability’ is what John Keats called the ability to sit with this uncertainty. Negative capability is “when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason”, the opposite of allostasis, the process through which we re-establish stability.
Whilst we’re sitting uncomfortably in the neutral zone, after suffering a loss of something to begin with, we leave ourselves vulnerable to the negative thoughts of others, too. Categorization, or pigeonholing, is what people do to keep their inner lives in order. They put all things, their relationships, belongings, behaviours of others, everything, into categories or pigeon holes, in their minds. As you’re moving through change, you’re unable to be categorized by others, making them uncomfortable. This external pressure can sometimes be enough to push you back to the old ways, encouraging you to pigeonhole yourself as someone who can never change. That’s untrue. We can all change.
We slowly prepare our bodies and minds for change during this neutral zone. Our brain cells will change with each repetition of the new habit, our bodies will feel differently because of these changes, and our emotions may be stronger and more heavily felt. As we slowly adapt to the ‘new normal’ of our lives, we can develop new skills, calm our bodies and emotions, and adapt to our environments. The balance will be achieved again.
The final stage is full of new beginnings. After all of the difficulties of the last two stages, you will need to summon the courage to step over the threshold of this stage and into your new existence. Whether that’s a life without chocolate, a life with a new hobby, or a life with something you’re learning to love, it can be a difficult and anxiety-provoking step to take. Considering what this journey had cost you can make the future seem worrying. Sometimes, it can be difficult to take that step, and that can, in turn, bring up avoidant behaviours, such as keeping chocolate in the house for ‘emergencies’, whittling away your precious free time on social media instead of new hobbies, or going to the gym but only giving it 50%.
Leaning into your anxiety can help a lot. Letting it guide you to meaningful support, considering other small changes to make things a little easier, or reminding yourself of your motivations can all help you take that final step into the ‘new me’. Last year's imaginings of yourself are now coming true, and you’ll have to take a break in which to redefine yourself before carrying on. This in itself can be difficult; you’re a new person now. Whether the process has taken an hour, a week, or a whole year, you’ve re-achieved stability in a healthier, better way.
How can you make changes?
1. Make small changes to start. All changes must be achievable so you can build momentum through these three stages first. Once you’ve successfully managed to change small things, the big changes to come won’t seem so scary. It’ll be easier to take on more than one change at a time, and move seamlessly through the ending, limbo, new beginnings process.
2. Be gentle with yourself. Things don’t change overnight. Use any setbacks to remind yourself of your motivations, the meaning of the change, and why you’re taking these steps towards change. Your negative thoughts and feelings may be coming from a fear of uncertainty; remember to be calm and reassure yourself of the importance of the change.
3. Find something familiar and celebrate with it. Even if it is small, this will help you offset the uncomfortable feelings when going through change. Whether this is celebrating a change by cooking your favourite meal, re-watching a familiar TV series, or seeing a loving friend, it can help make change less scary. This favourite thing doesn’t have to change, so you already have something steady running through your chaos. It helps you celebrate change milestones and see how far you’ve come.
4. Be flexible and try to let go of your expectations for yourself and the change. Having an open mind will make it easier to accept the uncertainty of change and allow yourself to have a high degree of negative capability. It’ll reduce stress and make things seem less scary. Without preconceived ideas about the change, you might enjoy it.
5. Social circles are never more important. Reach out for help where possible, whether someone is checking in on you, joining you at an art class, or someone to lean on when things get difficult. Connections with others will make new experiences easier to handle and new thresholds easier to overcome.
Sam is a qualified Therapeutic Counselor, based in Taijiang Area, Fuzhou City, China.
With a commitment to mental health, Miss Martin provides services in English, including Counselling (General), Free Consultation, Online Counselling / Phone Therapy, Psychotherapy (Integrative), Therapy and Therapy (Online).
Miss Martin has expertise in Addiction, Bereavement and Loss, Child and/or Adolescent Issues, Cross Cultural Issues, Family Problems and Workplace Issues.
Click here to schedule a session with Miss Martin.
Important:
TherapyRoute does not provide medical advice. All content is for informational purposes and cannot replace consulting a healthcare professional. If you face an emergency, please contact a local emergency service. For immediate emotional support, consider contacting a local helpline.
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