Self Esteem: The Best Gift you can give your Child
Self-Esteem can be one of the best gifts one can give their child as it allows the child a sense of worth and a drive to reach their goals.
“I don't want everyone to like me; I should think less of myself if some people did.” (Henry James)
Self Esteem is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as having a confidence in one's own worth or abilities or having self-respect. Thus Self-Esteem can be one of the best gifts one can give your child as it allows your child a sense of worth and a drive to reach their goals. Positive self-talk in the home environment can create a resilience in a child as they can interpret events or situations in a more optimistic light and thus overcome obstacles easier. A task that is difficult therefore becomes a challenge rather than a sign of one's weakness.
Parents' perceptions and internal issues with self-worth can limit their expectations for their children. For instance, if you struggled in a sport at school then believing your child will automatically battle at sport may set up a situation where the child is too scared to try due to your belief in their inability. It is important to be aware of the expectations you are placing on your child and how they are linked to your experiences. It is important for a child to discover their own strengths and weaknesses and have the self-confidence to accept the fact that they are not going to be strong in all areas.
The Possible Negative Effects of Self-Esteem
In an article by William Kremer for the BBC World Service called “Does confidence really breed success?” he speaks about an American Freshman Survey that started in1966 and had more than nine million young people participate. In the survey, it noted that there had been an increase in self-esteem over time with more individuals viewing themselves as gifted writers. Over time, however, the survey indicated a reduction in writing abilities since the 1960's. What this survey tells us is that boosting your child's self-confidence should not mean that you allow them to think unrealistically about their potential in certain areas.
In the article for the Washington Post, “In schools, self-esteem boosting is losing favor to rigor, finer-tuned praise” (Michael Alison Chandler, January 15, 2012), Mr Chandler points out that creating an environment where children are praised and given prizes without having to perform at a high level decreases the child's drive to work hard and continue developing their skill. It has actually been noted that children are less likely to take part in tasks or areas where they may fail and thus create a 'taint' on their overall scores. It is therefore important to instil in a child a sense of work ethic rather than praise for work done.
How to Create a Child Who has Good Self-Esteem
Develop a sense of identity
Teach your child about their heritage and your religious beliefs if you feel this is relevant to your sense of self. Giving your child a sense of where they have come from and history is important to help develop a healthy identity. Give them a sense of pride in their family history. It is important however not to create a view that their culture or background is more 'impressive' or 'special' than others as this may lead to an overinflated view of oneself which is certainly not healthy. You can achieve this by retelling stories you were told as a child about your family and their history. You should always tell the truth about your past but the narrative does not need to be one of defeat or pain if it is a sad history but rather one of survival and renewal.
You as a parent have your own idea of the value system and beliefs that are important to you and your family unit. This should be encouraged and your child should be praised for emulating positive values in the family environment and external community. It may be relevant to teach your child that other peers or individuals may not always be as open about different values and beliefs and that it is important that they try to open a dialogue with these individuals to widen their views.
Building work Ethic rather than self pride
If your child is praised for always being good at one aspect of their lives they will end up focusing all their attention on the one subject they receive recognition for. Instead, praise your child for hard work and perseverance rather than getting it right. This creates a child who will work hard and take on tasks that are new to them, as their self-worth is not tied up in getting everything right but rather in displaying a positive work ethic.
One must remember that a good employee is one that will take on a challenge even if they don't know if they can do it rather than the one who refuses to do anything outside their limited scope of knowledge. This is how one learns new information and this is how the brain develops new pathways. It is crucial that your child has a healthy sense of their ability in certain areas and does not give up at the first sense of failure.
Prioritise what your child will need to succeed
If a parent spends their time telling their daughter she is pretty and does not emphasise her other skills, for example, there is a greater likelihood that the child values her external features at the expense of her cognitive abilities. You as a parent need to look at what skills will aid your child in developing into a person that is confident in all their abilities and is an asset to their community. It is of course not possible for all children to grow up and become doctors but that does not mean one needs to only focus on one aspect of the child. Certain children may have a capacity for community care or an ability to socialise well with the majority of individuals and so these aspects could be encouraged.
It is important for a child to understand that if they do not have the skills needed to become scholars or academics that they have other important skills that are needed by the community. Pointing out your child's creativity or artisan skills, and showing great joy at their attempts to improve in all areas will develop a sense of self-worth within your child.
Look at your own confidence
Children emulate what they see in the home environment if they see a mother who is constantly insecure about her weight they may also take on a poor self-image and form a toxic relationship with food. Many of the insecurities we carry with us come from our own upbringing and our self-esteem. It becomes essential that we as parents remember to find time for self-care and building our own self-confidence so that we can be positive role models to our children.
References
The Washington Post / Michael Alison Chandler. 2012. In schools, self-esteem boosting is losing favour to rigour, finer-tuned praise. [ONLINE] Available at: https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/in-schools-self-esteem-boosting-is-losing-favor-to-rigor-finer-tuned-praise/2012/01/11/gIQAXFnF1P_story.html. [Accessed 27 September 2018].
The BBC / William Kremer. 2018. Does confidence really breed success?. [ONLINE] Available at: https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-20756247. [Accessed 27 September 2018].
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Juliette is a qualified Psychologist (Educational), based in Goodwood, Cape Town, South Africa.
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