The Psychology Of Connection: Why We Need Relationships

I was always puzzled by the question: “Are you in a relationship?” What does it mean? Does meeting her after school and walking her home count? And what if she allows me to take her hand? A kiss on the cheek? Alright, I know we are adults here. So passionate kissing should clarify things, right? Or only after we had sex? No, that also sounds outdated. Wedding? Children?

I hope you got the picture. The concept of relationship is a mystery. It might be more or less regulated or even documented, but it still leaves much room for interpretation according to our personal experience. What most of us call a relationship is not a single event or milestone, but an agreement, often unspoken, about closeness, meaning, and belonging.

The core idea of a relationship is that a couple somehow identifies itself from the environment. They set up some boundaries. The more emotionally mature the couple is, the more they discuss and clarify these boundaries with each other, instead of living in a naive fantasy that they share the same idea of what it means to be "in a relationship." Many conflicts arise not from lack of love, but from unspoken and mismatched assumptions about these boundaries.

Defining "Relationship"

In Gestalt therapy, we pay close attention to the words we use, since there are no exact synonyms. When we say “a couple,” we usually mean two people who are married or in a romantic or sexual relationship, or two people who are together for a particular purpose. In a broader context, a couple means a few, something of a small, indefinite number, like a couple of things. This word derives from the Latin “copula” meaning “bond”.

In the German and Russian languages, we use a different word meaning a pair. Not only does a pair usually mean two of something, but it also implies that these two things are functionally or structurally alike: a pair of socks or gloves. We even say a pair of glasses, which literally means a single unified object. It doesn’t have to be so binary, though, ein paar Ideen, for example.

The etymology of the word pair is also rooted in the Latin paria, meaning “equals”. This linguistic root subtly carries an expectation of symmetry, balance, and mutual recognition. It is no surprise that the verbs copulate in English and paaren in German mean the same thing, which, for some people, is the core of any relationship. Yet reducing a relationship to function or act alone often leaves its emotional dimension unexplored.

Why Being a Couple Matters

Quite simply, our very first relationship is a couple. Two people who are connected with emotional communication and attachment. Through this emotional attachment, a child and a caregiver build a pairing, a bond that lays the foundation for the child’s future relationships with the world.

Our minds and personalities develop through communication. A dialogue. At first, children just launch their consciousness into the outer world without addressing anyone, because for an infant's awareness, no one else fully exists yet. However, a caregiver intercepts this message, processes it, and reflects it back. This is how the bond is created. Being seen, responded to, and emotionally met is what turns raw experience into meaning. Without this mutual exchange, a child's development would be significantly impaired.

I Am Seen, Therefore I Am

Lack of such feedback from a caregiver may lead to depression and, in extreme cases, even the death of a child. Adults are no different in this regard. We need to share our emotions with another person. The most dangerous form of depression is when a person doesn’t feel anything.

The way we can actually feel and express our emotions is usually through contact with another person. There is a well-known psychological experiment called the still face experiment. At the beginning of this experiment, a mother was asked to interact with her infant adequately; she was smiling, playing, and emotionally involved. But then she was instructed to stop all the interactions with the baby, and just be present with an absent, emotionless facial expression.

The baby notices the change and reacts with growing anxiety, fear, panic, and fury, until the cries stop. The baby withdraws and stops seeking help from the world. This shutdown is not calm; it is resignation. This is what depression looks like. You can see this experiment below, but be advised that this video might be disturbing.

Emotional Contact Matters

To sum it up, emotional contact matters. The basic element of such contact is emotional self-awareness, the ability to feel your own emotions and the emotions of another person. To do that, you need to look at another person, listen to them, and sometimes even touch them.

A relationship, then, is not merely a status or label, but an ongoing experience of contact, recognition, and emotional exchange. And what is a relationship, if not a genuine practice of learning how to meet another human being, and be met in return?