The Secret Ingredient in Relationships

Research on romantic relationships shows that a key ingredient that leads to a happy satisfying relationship is called emotional responsiveness.

This factor shapes the interaction between partners, which Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) refers to as the dance, at key moments when each partner is feeling in need.

Emotional Responsiveness

Emotional responsiveness isn’t about offering your partner advice or trying to problem-solve or have a heady intellectual conversation. Instead, it is about being able to see, tune into and hold your partner’s emotions with them. Research says this type of responsiveness is the secret ingredient towards lasting loving relationships.

What Does Tuning In To Your Partner’s Emotions Look Like In Practice?

When we are emotionally responsive to our partners, this is what it may sound like:

James says, “Hey, you are getting pretty snappy, but if I look into your face, you seem a bit upset. Are you stressed about something?”

Beth says, “I don’t want you to go away this weekend. I know you have to, but I guess I feel lonely.”

James replies, “As I hear you say this, I can see this is really hard for you. Do you want to talk about it?” He touches her on the shoulder. “I will really miss you, I’m also sad to hear that you feel lonely. It makes sense. I know that it’s hard for you when I leave you alone.”

Beth feels calmer hearing this. She feels held, important and special. She feels that James is there for her and emotionally present. This moment defines the relationship as a safe haven for her and she can feel calm.

The Power of Tuning In

Recent research by the founder of EFT, Dr Sue Johnson, and her colleagues have shown that it is these moments of emotional responsiveness that really shape a relationship. These moments make more of a difference to a relationship than when couples engage in fights and conflicts. If you are able to do what James did, then you can restore your connection to your partner and repair after any fight.

Tuning in and responding to our partner’s vulnerable emotions is very powerful and it makes the relationship a safe haven. This kind of attention is what love is all about. This emotional responsiveness is also the main ingredient in conversations that we help couples create in couples therapy. Research by Dr Sue Johnson and her colleagues found these conversations predicted whether couples could heal the ruptures in their relationships and shape loving relationships in their future.

In further research by Professor Ted Houston, newly married couples were studied to look for the key interactions between partners that predicted their relationship stability across the years. He predicted that stability would be influenced most by how frequently couples argue. Instead, he found that it was the level of emotional responsiveness and the affection that couples showed each other early in their relationship that predicted the relationship’s future. This makes sense, as bonding mammals, humans are wired for connection. The support our partner offers us soothes our central nervous system and our most basic need to be loved. We can deal with differences if we feel emotionally connected.

This is an important set of skills to learn and the payoff is huge. We know that if we take the time to tune in to our partner’s emotions and offer them support, this will make all the difference in the quality of our relationships.

Sarah Skellern is a Registered Psychologist and Couples Counsellor at Brisbane City Psychologists . She treats a wide variety of relationship difficulties using Emotion Focussed Therapy.

References

Greenman, Paul & Johnson, Sue (2013). Process research on EFT for couples. Family Process, 52, 46-61. (This is an overview of studies that examine what creates key transforming change events in EFT sessions.)

Ted Huston et al (2001). The connubial crucible: Newlywed years as predictors of marital delight, distress and divorce. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80, 237-252.