Let Go or Be Dragged

For the first time ever, I commented on a fellow member's fb group post. She was a colleague, a fellow graduate school survivor, another clinical hopeful who was going to change people’s lives via counselling. She was yet another therapist in training and she had taken her licensing exams over, and over again….several times over actually.

Why? You may ask. Well, I certainly didn’t have to ask. I knew exactly why this clearly highly intelligent (grad school ain’t no joke), obviously ambitious, and excellent writer could not, as she described it, "for the life of me pass the [expletive] things!"

So yes, for the first time, I gathered up the kind of courage it takes to not sign: "anonymous," online, and I shared my experience of jumping through those tedious yet necessary hoops of evil (trademark pending) one must jump through in order to call oneself a licensed mental health professional. Not to mention be able to actually charge the public for a skill set obtained in childhood, experienced in life, trained and harnessed in graduate school and for which these exams have very little (if any) parallel let a lone indication of success as the aforementioned licensed mental health professional.

I thought, well, she’s posting MY story. She’s expressing MY feelings. She’s letting people know that it’s not as easy as it may appear, yet she wasn’t stating HOW it happens. So I commented. Here’s what I wrote:

It took me so long to pass my licensing exam that by the time I did, the therapists in training I had trained with, those colleagues and friends who told me that I had mentored them during my internship, had interns of their own!! I tried hypnosis, studying too much and not enough. Here's what I figured out...for me: in the simplest of terms, but not so conservative numbers of words.....I was unconsciously unaccepting of my rightful place as a licensed, knowledgable, and worthy professional.

I mean, I had the best reputation as one of the most successful interns in an extremely competitive and saturated field in Beverly Hills. My supervisors would basically leave me alone to do the deep work with what is considered highly clinically challenging cases. I was confident I was doing good work, and I was sure, so very sure, surer than I’d ever been about any other career choice I’d made prior. But on some level, some very deep early and quite underdeveloped level, I could not, would not, did not accept that this was meant for me to not only have, but thrive within!

It wasn't the material, the effort or the temperature of the exam room (although can someone please tell me why they feel the need to complete with the both the North and South Poles regarding temp???). It WAS, however, that I needed to take a step back, I needed to get still, and I had to allow for the recall. The recall that although I KNEW I had come an extremely long way (like, going back to grad school at the age of 40 kind of long way), I had THOUGHT that I had quieted that ironically insecure yet powerful voice that questioned my right, my deserving, my expectation of self-actualization. When really, I had only negotiated a temporary “contract” with my lonely, not so ironically insecure and clearly extremely anxious self.

This so-called contract permitted me the mandatory motivation to keep on keeping on in life and eventually graduate school. It garnered me fierce ambition away from small-town labels toward authentic big city identities. However, this was only for so long and for so far. In other words, I needed to consider who I would need to be once I passed those exams and actually became a licensed mental health professional.

That person is someone who absolutely forgives himself when he makes mistakes. That person unequivocally takes an empathic stance with himself first before he can give to others. He is more confident than unsure and more focused on providing himself with self-care so that he can honestly and with seemingly unlimited empathy and professionalism, preach what he practices.

It was my experience anyway, that I had had more experience with the parts of me who hadn't passed than I did with the parts who had. By not passing, I was comfortable. Comfortable with good enough. Passing meant accepting and living as if I belonged and was worthy of the respect, opportunities and yes, the envy of those with whom I'd be in professional accord.

Passing those exams and becoming a licensed professional meant tolerating all the good parts of myself I had accepted in a more cerebral understanding, but of which I had not experienced ENOUGH from the more visceral acceptance point of view. I knew I deserved to be counted amongst those whom I consider to be answering a higher calling than just a job or career. Once I (along with my therapist) challenged my own understanding of my achieved self-worth, I allowed myself to viscerally experience what I needed to express.

I approached "studying" in MY own way and focused much more on self-care rather than the details of exam material. I paid attention to what I needed to FEEL secure and confident in myself EVEN IF I DIDN'T PASS AGAIN. and then, during that last time to study, in that last way of approaching the answers instead of the questions. I approached the entire hoop-jumping as a process for me. The me I knew AND felt I no longer was because of growth. The me, who actually had the discipline of self-care, self-worth, self-esteem, and finally, yes finally true self-confidence. When I finally approached taking those EX - AMs………….I passed.

I'm telling you that I absolutely had to practice feeling like I deserved to pass, because once on the "other side" of it, THOSE parts of me that were so comfortable prior to passing have absolutely no place on this side. Do what you need to do in order to LET GO of those comfortable but antiquated parts of yourself that are trying so hard to stay relevant. Face the fear and do it anyway so that it, them, you will stop keeping you from realizing your dream! Those self-challenging parts were good to you for a long time. They filled in the blanks when you didn’t know why and you couldn’t dare to challenge anyone else. Thinking and “feeling” yourself unworthy of achievement worked for as long as it did, but it seems that that time is played out. It’s done. It’s over.

I commented to my colleague’s fb post that with this experience of mine, it was time to accept that It was no longer working. It’s a different time. You’re a different you. You’ve changed. With this post and now this blog, I have accepted that when it comes to change…..it's time to let go or be dragged.