Infidelity And Shadows From The Past

Whether you are on one side or the other of the barricade, infidelity brings painful aspects, turmoil, and questions. On the one hand, the cheated person may feel strong emotions such as anger, sadness, and anxiety, and they want to know why they ended up in this situation. On the other hand, the person who cheats also reaches a point where, besides benefits, they also bear the costs and, in order to make a change, they need to find out what is behind the infidelity.

Regardless of the side of the barricade, you are on, in the psychotherapy process, infidelity can be viewed from various perspectives. Exploring emotions, needs, and personal life history, the therapist is next to you, so that you can find the solutions designed to bring you peace and a romantic relationship where you can be authentic and feel satisfied and happy.

One way of working with infidelity profoundly is Schema Therapy, because this offers the opportunity to look behind the scenes, to make sense of some experiences that in the past seemed inexplicable, and, most important, to free yourself of what prevents you from having the desired couple relationship.

If we refer to the person cheating, they may discover in therapy that infidelity could be related to cognitive schemas (self-defeating patterns) shaped since childhood, such as:

• subjugation: they do not express needs, desires, or anger in relation to the partner, for fear of being rejected, or fear of retaliation but they choose to rebel against the partner by cheating

• deficiency, shame: low self-esteem, they consider themselves different, and defective and resort to infidelity precisely to value themselves by conquering others

• abandonment: if in doubts about the partner’s love, the durability of their relationship and in fear of being abandoned, they look for someone else to ensure their “safety net” and choose to have other relationships at the same time

• entitlement: a sense of superiority, they consider entitled to do whatever they want, no matter what the impact is on their partner

• insufficient self-control: low tolerance to frustration, cannot establish healthy limits, they are constantly looking for thrills (in the case of “chronic” infidelity)

Also, the cheated person can find out details about their own cognitive schemas (e.g., mistrust, dependence, deficiency/shame), and can discover various aspects in psychotherapy:

• what made them enter into a relationship with a partner who is unfaithful

• why they stayed in a dysfunctional couple

• what are the next steps, if choosing to rebuild the relationship

• how to get out, as smoothly as possible, from a toxic relationship

• what they can do in the future, to have the desired couple

Why it is so important to identify these schemas, irrespective of what you decide about the future of your relationship?

• if you decide to continue it: you become aware of what you bring from your childhood into your couple relationship. Also, you can understand the “mode clashes”, that is understanding the cycle, and how the way you react triggers a certain reaction from your partner (based on his/her own childhood). Once you know all these aspects, you can work to weaken your schemas, which determines a change in the couple’s dynamics. This way you can co-create with your partner a functional relationship.

• if you decide to end it: on the one hand, becoming aware of your self-defeating patterns, you understand your part of responsibility in the couple's dysfunction. On the other hand, you can make a better choice in the future! Knowing things about “schema chemistry” (the way the attraction is related to partners’ schemas), you can wisely choose a new partner.

• this is an essential step in your journey of personal growth. Instead of remaining in a familiar but dysfunctional area, you can choose differently. During childhood, the parents were responsible for meeting your needs, but now this is your responsibility!

Although infidelity brings out negative emotions, you can transform it into a turning point, which will later generate a full life in a couple. The self-defeating patterns that originated in early childhood and adolescence will be weakened in therapy, and the shadows from the past will fade away.