Emotional Pain After Losing Your Baby

Mourning the loss of a baby or the loss of hope of having a baby is very difficult for a woman and her family.

The loss of a child can be the most intense grief known.

Often, family and friends are unsure what to do, what to say, and how to approach the grieving woman, since talking about the loss brings more feelings of anger, sadness, and sometimes guilt and shame.

EMOTIONAL PAIN

This emotional pain is also seen in women who lose their babies as still-births, or by neonatal deaths.

Losing a baby (perinatal loss), regardless of the circumstances, is very stressful for a woman and her family and friends. A perinatal loss leaves a profound sense of sadness, and depression can be shown by many different symptoms, such as isolation, disconnection, crying spells, sadness, excessive sleeping or staying in bed, etc.

PERINATAL LOSS

For women, a perinatal loss can leave negative emotional feelings that may linger for many years to come. For their families, it can be devastating and limiting, since most of the time, family members are unsure how to approach the women or the subject. Their spouses are the ones who may see most of the women’s pain. Keep in mind that spouses and other family members are going through an emotional pain of their own. However, most of the time, it is easier for them to not be connected to that pain, since their connection with the lost baby was very ethereal, and not physical like the mother’s connection. For the extended family – siblings, in-laws, etc. - this can be a sensitive subject, especially if any of the women in the family have gone through the same type of loss.

FAMILY

Let's not forget about families who already have a child before the perinatal loss. This “almost-big brother or almost-big sister” may also feel the loss of the "unkown sibling." With the little knowledge of what happened to mommy who went to the hospital but came back without a baby, the sibling have some sense that something bad happened. Parents tend to protect their living child by not demonstrating their sadness and grief about the loss of their baby. This is why it is very important to seek the help of a professional specialized in treating this type of trauma.

WORK

Another issue these women go through is the stigma, prejudice, bias, or ignorance from other people, such as friends or co-workers. Friends and co-workers are often well-meaning but should be very sensitive to what the woman is going through by respecting her need to not talk until she is ready to talk since it might be very difficult for her to hold back her tears and not demonstrate her sadness and frustration.

STAGES OF GRIEF

To help understand what these women go through, it is necessary to understand the phases/stages of grief. There are five stages of grief ( more info here ) and woman may go through some or all stages. The best way to “help” is to understand these stages, and communicate with the woman that you are available for her in case she ever wants to talk or needs help sorting things out.

TREATMENT

Terminating a pregnancy through abortion, or losing a pregnancy through miscarriage, due to fetal defect, ectopic issues, or mental/social/financial decisions, are life events that may need to be processed very well (with a therapist, specially), so women (and spouses, partners, and family) can move forward with life and regain well-being.

If you are going through perinatal loss, or know someone who might be, please referred them to see a specialized therapist.


Rosana Marzullo-Dove is a Doctoral of Clinical Psychology and a licensed psychologist in private practice in Hyde Park, South Tampa, FL.

She has a thriving practice in Tampa where she sees individuals, couples, and groups, treating anxiety, depression, trauma, loss/grief, and relationship issues, using an integrative psychotherapy approach.

Prior to moving to the United States and engaging in psychology, Rosana’s occupational aspirations involved architecture and civil engineering.

Rosana is a mother and a grandmother. In her spare time, she engages in relaxing activities such as gardening, knitting, reading, jewellery making, beaching, and meditating.