Difficult Conversations: “Mommy, will there be another Boom?”

I am writing this short piece not just as a psychologist, but as a woman, a wife, a daughter, a sister. The past year in Lebanon has been a succession of traumas for both adults and kids, starting from the October 2019 protests, to the coronavirus lockdown, up to the recent blast at Beirut port on August 4th. There are no words to describe the shock, the sadness, the devastation but most importantly the uncertainty.

Surviving the shock

Some people say “your country has been through civil war, you have been through this before”, yes, that is true, but this explosion was truly unexpected, hitting us at a time where our guards were down, in the place we usually feel safe, home. For the past 3 weeks, I have seen and heard many children, adolescents, parents, each recounting their day, August 4th, up to that time 6.07 pm, each experiencing it in their own way, whether having been hit by the blast directly or indirectly. However, one question is common to most parents, “How can I explain this to my child? During the protests, they stayed home, safe; during the corona lockdown, we repeatedly told them to stay home because we are keeping them safe, but now, what can I say to my child asking what happened to their playroom, to their bed, to their home, what can I tell my child worrying whether another blast will happen when I leave to work in the morning?”

There are no simple answers to these questions. However, the August 4th blast left us all defenseless. For those who lived through the civil war, the quick reflex was, get away from glass and wait for the second blast, for those who did not, it was the reflex of running out toward the street, carrying the most vulnerable. But at that time, there was no common sense, no right or wrong way to protect yourself, no one could make sure they are safe.

Quite quickly, we starting hearing the songs we use to hear during the war “Rise up Beirut, you will rise up again” and volunteers rushed to Beirut to help those in need, from clearing out the rubbles, to picking up wounded, to cleaning the shattered glass from the floors and offering their homes to those who have lost theirs. Many were selfless, overcoming the difficulties of the economic crisis that had sparked the October 2019 protest, defying the coronavirus lockdown restrictions; Lebanon felt united again.

Within the attachment theory framework, scholars discuss the secure base, parents acting as a safety net to their children who can trust them to be there, especially in moments of uncertainty, fear or anxiety. As a child and adolescent psychotherapist, I can’t help but ask myself, how can I be there for children, but also, how can I be there for parents for them to be able to support their children. How are children making sense of what has happened? So many questions, so many contradictions: “I thought home was my safe place”, “I thought we had to stay home because of corona”, “Why can’t I see my friend again?” One of the biggest anxieties parents are reporting to me these days is this inability to have answers.

Talking to kids

What are some tips to talk to your kids about what has happened, whether the blast or the corona lockdown starting again? One thing is sure, there is no script that would work for everyone. So what can parents do?

1. Start the conversation but keep it at the child’s pace: do not lie to them about what happened. Some children might be worried about hearing another loud bang. Others might be having nightmares about what they have seen. Some might have lost a parent, a sibling and missing them. Find your own words but tell the child what happened and let them guide you with their questions. It might be hard for you as a parent as you might still be traumatized yourself but sharing, as a family, is key during these times. Always remember that your child’s main concern might be different than yours: to you it might be the effects of the blast, to your child it might be the inability to be with friends.

2. Listen and provide empathy and support: they might need more time than you to make sense of things. Some parents were surprised that their children did not cry or talk about what happened despite having been in the midst of it. Some children think that they should not cry or should not talk about it because they worry they might disappoint you as a parent. Start the lines of communication with them to reassure them that you were afraid too, that it is ok to talk about your feelings, worries and what they remember, even if it might hurt on the inside sometimes. Most importantly, it is ok to cry. Many children have reported that they worry that this would mean they are not courageous or that it will upset their parents if they do.

3. Listen to their version of the facts and encourage them to share their feelings. Remember, with the dawn of social media, children are more exposed than you might want them to be. Always ask them what they know in order for you to better judge how to explain what has happened and to have a better grasp about what might be going on for them emotionally.

4. Play with your child. You might not feel like it, but pretend play, recreating these events using toy characters or drawings, changing the ending of the story/nightmare, giving life and feelings to those characters will help your child, and maybe you, work through many of those feelings.

5. Involve them in recreating a safe place. This could be done in a concrete way, in terms of organizing or reorganizing the space, but also in terms of bringing back routines and setting some future plans. It is true that this might be difficult nowadays with the uncertainty of the developments with regards to the COVID-19 pandemic, but it could be small tasks in terms of what you will do together the next day.

Children physically affected by the blast

Many, including children and adolescents, have been physically hurt by the blast, some scarred for life by the glass shattering after the explosion. So what can some parents do to help the child work through both, the physical and psychological scars, accepting their new body image?

1. Validate and affirm their feelings. Alongside the strategies to help the child feel safe again and work through the trauma and grief (potential effects on sleep, mood, eating habits and flashbacks among others), the parent can help the child by validating and affirming his/her feelings with regards to fear, anxiety and vulnerability. Some children might have difficulties with the scars as they see them as a constant reminder of the trauma, whereas others see them as a reminder they survived this catastrophe. In both cases, listen to your child’s take on the situation and provide empathy, even if you might be having different feelings than him/her about what happened. It might be easier for parents to take a step back and see the positive side of the situation; however, keep in mind that your child is still in the present, trying to make sense of the unfairness, injustice, the imposed change that he/she did not expect. For younger children, who tend to be more concrete and have difficulty projecting into the future, it might be difficult to see the situation from your perspective.

2. Ask about your child’s narrative or script in terms of how they see themselves, what meaning they give to the scar, in order to provide the best support they might be looking for. Young children can be encouraged to draw or write a story whereas adolescents would be more comfortable talking or journaling. Keep in mind that age plays an important role, especially with regards to the importance the child or adolescent puts on peer groups and how the physical scar might affect their friends’ perception of them. With adolescents, it is important to include them in the treatment approach, especially if the family is considering surgery to hide some of the scars. You might be surprised that your adolescent might have a different view with regards to wanting cosmetic surgery or not and they should be the ones playing the most important role in redefining their new self-image.

Self-care for parents

Remember, your child is watching and using you as a model to help them cope. You need to take care of yourself too. Allow yourself some alone time to talk to someone about how you are coping in order to be able to cope with your child’s emotions and questions.

Another thing to keep in mind is that it is ok not to have all the answers. It is sometimes comforting to the child to know that, like him/her, parents do not have all the answers and are searching for the best way to cope together. This work is constantly in progress, and more importantly, their ability to see your thinking process in terms of finding solutions and regulating your emotions will encourage them to do so regarding their own.

Depending on the child’s age, some parents have chosen to involve their child in helping and volunteering work. This might look different for each family. For some, it is about sharing their toys, clothes, or food. For others, it is about being in the field, helping with the clean-up, offering a helping hand.

Volunteering, helping out, being there together, this helps recreate a feeling of safety, of being heard, of creating a new, maybe temporary meaning to home and family, until the pieces are slowly sawn back together.