The Terrible Twos, Tantrum Mania
Toddlerhood is a time of development during which children are craving independence but are also clinging to parents. It is a stage where toddlers are testing parents’ boundaries, especially how much they would allow them to get their way. So what can parents do to make the terrible twos a bit easier?
Toddlerhood is a period of major developments. The child is now able to walk, start to run, but also name familiar people, call out for them and ask the famous “why” questions. Cognitively, the toddler is still egocentric, seeing things from his/her point of view and thinking in concrete ways. From a mentalizing perspective, toddlers are still using pre-mentalizing modes of thinking and need their parents to help them make sense of the world around them and what is going on in their minds and that of others.
Pre-mentalizing modes of thinking
So what do we mean by pre-mentalizing modes? Let’s try to put ourselves in our toddler’s shoes. First, similar to magical thinking, the child reasons in terms of “I think it, therefore it is” (psychic equivalence). He might have difficulty understanding why his mother is giving him water in the blue cup whereas he wanted the green cup. To him, he thought about it, therefore his mother must know it too. Same goes for his fears of monsters or ghosts hiding under his bed; to him, they really do exist! This can lead to some frustration and anxiety in the child, and the role of parents is to help him differentiate between imaginary thoughts and reality.
Second, around this age, toddlers enjoy symbolic play, using one object to represent another. However, this play is still very cognitive and if you ask the child “Is this a car or a chair?” he is likely to lose interest; there is a disconnection between thinking and feeling (pretend mode). Another example would be when your child, dressed up as Batman, falls. He is likely to tell you “I did not get hurt, Batman did.” At this stage, the role of parents is to encourage the child to make a link between the feelings and the imaginary story.
Third, at this stage, children have difficulty with abstract thinking. They need to see the consequences of their actions in real life (teleological mode). They would need to see someone crying to understand sadness or need gifts as a sign of love. The role of parents would be to teach abstract thinking and how to hold intentions in mind, not relying on concrete consequences.
At times, parents have difficulty understanding the causes behind their toddlers’ behaviours, which could be based on these pre-mentalizing modes of thinking. This could lead to tantrums as the child feels misunderstood and the parent tends to get hopeless and frustrated in not understanding what the child is trying to tell them. Let’s cover some other developments in toddlerhood which could be a cause of some tantrums.
Other causes of tantrums in toddlerhood
Remember, toddlerhood is a time during which the child forms the basis of his sense of self. Given that the child is more mobile, the “I can do it” stage sets in. Imagine this scenario:
“You see your 2-year old toddler reaching up to open the door to his bedroom. You think, “It must be so tough for him, he is on his tip-toes and can barely reach!” So you decide to help him and open the door. His reaction: tantrum! He throws himself on the floor and starts crying. One way out would be to close the door again and let him open it. But now, the parent is angry and the toddler is happy.”
So what happened there? The child is urging for his independence, he can do things by himself. The parent’s intention was to help the child; however, this is too complex for him to understand. To him, the parent’s action might have looked like not allowing him to do it for himself. Wondering about what the child is trying to do/say, in other words mentalizing, helps the parents remain calmer, and gives them the opportunity to turn this incident into a learning exercise, teaching the child how to express his needs/feelings/wishes, without throwing a tantrum.
Another way the child attempts to show his sense of self is by saying “NO” to almost everything. Consider the following:
“You have taken your 2-year old toddler to the play area. He has been playing there for almost an hour with the other kids and you tell him it is now time to go. His reaction: “NO!” trying to run away from you, back towards the play area. One way out: run after him, carry him, and strap him in the car seat.”
Your child is now able to express himself but is unable to self-regulate. He wants to have his own way, all the time. Some parents see this as selfish or stubbornness, but for the child, it is still difficult to conceive why he should stop something he is enjoying, especially when he knows he can do something about it and go back to playing.
Some techniques to help your toddler through the terrible twos
So what could parents do about it? If your child throws a tantrum in public it is important to...
1. Make sure your child is safe and will not harm himself or others
2. Not feel embarrassed if you are in public, but rest assured you are not alone in this
3. Try to hold him to provide security
4. Try to carry him to a calmer place
5. Tell him you can see he is upset, you want to help him and you want to understand what is wrong
6. Remind him that you love him anyway
7. Make sure not to reinforce the behaviour by “caving in” and giving the child what he wants to make him stop crying
However, there are also some techniques to use at home, when both, you and your child are calm. These will help in preventing some tantrums, as they will give the toddler alternatives to express needs, feelings and wishes:
1. Teach your child self-regulation
Toddlers tend to be impulsive and act on their desires and wishes, without necessarily thinking of the consequences. Time is necessary for this capacity to develop, along with an ability to think about the past, and draw conclusions from it (at this age, toddlers do not yet have a sense of time “this morning”, “yesterday”, “tomorrow”, “last time”).
One way to help your child develop self-regulation strategies is to use calendars or charts that help the toddler visualize action-consequence. It helps to count days in terms of “number of sleeps.”
2. Practice changes in routines
Toddlers tend to feel safe in their routine and can easily throw a tantrum if it is changed. First, take time to include the child in the creation of the routine; this will encourage the development of a sense of self and independence within the safety of parental boundaries and limits.
Given that change is stressful and scary for toddlers (and adults too sometimes), use a transition calendar, giving the child a sense of what is coming next, to help him regulate his emotions. Also, when you are both calm, you can practice changes in routine, through which you guide your child past this anxiety-provoking situation. This reparation will give him more confidence to handle changes in routine independently the second time around.
3. Give your toddler some responsibility
It is important to remember that toddlerhood is a bridge between infancy (dependence on parents) and childhood (independence from parents). The toddler seems torn between the two and one role of parents is to give him “calculated independence.” For instance, asking a toddler what they would like to eat could be overwhelming as there are too many options. A more adapted question could be “do you want pasta or rice?” In this case, you are giving the child some independence within your own set boundaries.
4. Focus on what your child is trying to tell you
Often, when facing stressful situations, we tend to lose our mentalizing capacities, our capacity to look for the emotions underlying behaviours. One way to go about it is to think of the toddler’s tantrums in terms of three questions: 1) Why is my toddler behaving this way? 2) What is he trying to tell me? What does he need me to teach him? 3) How can I teach him this? How can he better express himself and tell me his needs next time?
5. The parenting APP
Authors of the Reflective Parenting program provided three main tasks to be mastered by parents, in order to facilitate mentalizing their child: 1) Attention, being aware and curious about one’s own feelings and behaviours towards the child, 2) Perspective-taking, being aware and curious about your child’s feelings and behaviours, even if parents feel at a loss at times (we cannot know for sure what is going on in someone else’s mind, but we need to be good enough in trying to guess) and 3) Empathy, being able to feel with the other, giving the child a sense of being understood.
6. Teach your child about emotions
When spending time with your toddler, make sure to teach him about emotions: What are they? How do I know what I am feeling? What is my body telling me when I am feeling a specific emotion? What is your face telling me about what you might be feeling?
At times, tantrums are due to the fact that toddlers are upset about something, but do not yet have the words to express it. They will use simple words, which do not necessarily express exactly what is going on with them, and will wait for you to give them the appropriate label for a new experience.
I am aware that most examples are about boys but it does not mean that girls do not go through the terrible twos! I can imagine some might be familiar with their 2-year old girls deciding to make their doll a dress out of their own clothes or wanting to look like mum using felt pens for makeup.
Remember, your toddler now has the physical and mental capacities to explore the world independently but will always come back to you, to check in with you, making sure that he is safe. Some of you might be feeling we are painting an ideal picture, however, it is important to acknowledge how difficult it could be (at times, if not most days) to parent a toddler. It is not about being perfect but about being good enough. So remember all parents struggle, but you are the experts about your own family.
Pia is a qualified Child Psychotherapist, based in Zalka, Beirut, Lebanon.
With a commitment to mental health, Dr Tohme Khalaf provides services in Arabic, English and French, including Child and Adolescent Services.
Dr Tohme Khalaf has expertise in Child and/or Adolescent Issues and Behavioural and Emotional Problems.
Click here to schedule a session with Dr Tohme Khalaf.
Important:
TherapyRoute does not provide medical advice. All content is for informational purposes and cannot replace consulting a healthcare professional. If you face an emergency, please contact a local emergency service. For immediate emotional support, consider contacting a local helpline.
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