Why do parents feel disappointed when children go to therapy

“Hi mum, I wanted to tell you something”

“Sure, Bacche, what is it?”

“I have decided to go for therapy, been feeling the need for it for a while”

*All hell breaks loose, the scope of conversation vanishes*

Why does it become so difficult to tell our parents that we’ve been feeling the need to go to therapy? Why does the anticipated disappointment weigh down on us so much? Why is there disappointment in the first place? Let’s try to explore that better.

Whenever we fall sick physically, do we ever find ourselves hesitating to tell our parents that we need medical attention? Think about it this way, if a teenager gets into an unfortunate accident and ends up breaking their collar bone, there will be no questions asked before immediately rushing them to a doctor. Why must then there be a list of questions to get through when the same teenager brings forward concerns with gender dysphoria, for instance? A considerable number of children and teens don’t reach out for mental health support fearing dismissal and disappointment from their parents. Just like it’s difficult to imagine what might end up happening if this individual doesn’t get their broken collar bone treated, it should be a matter of equally grave (if not more) concern for us to think about their mental health in the same way.

Why does this disparity exist between mental health and physical health?

Mental health problems are seen as an obvious sign of weakness because according to our society, who doesn’t face adversity? Seeking therapy is like putting that weakness on display. Telling people around you, your relatives that you go to therapy is putting a showcase to how you have failed as per their perception. It shows you in an incompetent light and even affects the way people will start seeing you. “Her son has seen worse, how come he doesn’t need therapy and you do?” or better yet “we have been through more than you have and here we are, did we ever go to therapy?”. It’s the trivialization and delegitimization of our experience that comes with it. They made it without therapy, we should be able to as well.

Individuals also often get to hear their parents say “but this is how it has always been, why are you *suddenly* in a place where you need therapy?” without realizing how dismissive that sounds. According to the Diathesis Stress Model, mental health disorders/problems develop as a result of an interaction between predisposed vulnerability, i.e. diathesis, and external stressors. A diathesis can either be genetic, biological, situational, or psychological. It is only after the interplay of predisposition and stress crosses a person's threshold that they end up developing mental health concerns. But that’s the thing, an individual going through emotional turmoil shouldn’t have to get technical to convince their parents that their problems are real and need intervention.

Disappointment is the outcome of parental investment. Disappointment directed at self and the child. What did we not do right that our child has ended up with mental illness? Parents are harder on themselves when mental health problems are involved. This has everything to do with the stigma that surrounds it. When parents start associating doubt with their upbringing, that might manifest as a disappointment that is projected onto the child. Parents try their best to raise their children to be self-sufficient (except for when they need them) and accessing external support is perceived as an attack to the said upbringing.

Disappointment also essentially stems from the assumption that all of us are supposed to live in a shared space with our parents, be it physical or psychological. It makes for perpetual access from a parent’s end into the child’s life - to their phone, their social circles, their social media platforms, their rooms, and thus their personal mental space as well. It doesn’t come as a surprise then that going to therapy might be perceived as a door in the face by some parents arguing that they should be allowed to access that space as well. If we were to look at it culturally, parents have always preferred to be involved in their children’s lives. This feeling of being excluded or rejected can indeed bring up a lot of resentment which might not be consciously realized.

It essentially boils down to having healthy boundaries in relationships. Boundaries are often talked about in the context of professional spaces or romantic/intimate relationships at best. But having a coherent sense of boundaries in a parental exchange is of utmost importance for that relationship to thrive and to be able to avoid associating negative feelings like suffocation etc with it.

The therapeutic set up is still seen in the traditional light of the power imbalance that exists between the patient and the therapist. They understand it to be a very give and take kind of a dynamic. The therapist is naturally superior and it is because of this dynamic that replacement of authority figures becomes unacceptable to them. “Now you will only listen to your therapist and not us, isn’t it?”

The other interesting observation I have made over the years is about something most of us grow up believing - the notion of our parents being our saviours. Yes, parents are our primary caregivers and yes, they are supposed to provide us emotional security but just like we talk about developmental goals being age-appropriate, it’s important to also reinforce this idea in parenting. I want to bust this myth that their reaction always stems from the temptation of wanting to rescue their children from anything and everything. Honestly, that’s a toxic way of looking at interpersonal relationships and psychological labour. It strengthens the idea of dependability and enmeshment. It’s unrealistic.

Going to therapy or addressing mental health concerns is one of the most important ways of self-care, yet it often ends up adding more stress to the individual seeking it. The idea is not to demean the parents who are nothing but concerned. The idea is to enable both the children and parents to identify this feeling so that it can be addressed better. Something doesn’t have to be mainstream for our parents to accept it for us. As for parents, let’s try to reflect more and better identify our emotions when our children talk to us about wanting to go to therapy. Let’s try to not personalize the experience and let’s try to extend to them unconditional support, especially at this critical time.