Why Do I Feel Sad When Others Do Well?

If you feel sad when you see others achieve success, you are likely to be experiencing feelings of envy. This is a complex but normal emotion , however, if you are feeling dissatisfied or unhappy, it can be especially difficult to see others succeed.

Rather than feel happy for them you might feel sad, anxious, or angry; you might even hope they fail. You might ask yourself what kind of person that makes you, how can you be a good enough friend, partner, or co-worker if you are a secret non-supporter? The negative thought cycle continues, and now you have an added layer of shame to add to your load. As a primal feeling, envy has the power to strike at our core, stirring powerful negative feelings. When coupled with shame, an often distressing emotion closely linked to envy and low self-worth, it can lead to feelings of depression and hopelessness.

Envy is often used interchangeably with jealousy; while semantically they have different core meanings, psychologically they overlap and are intertwined. Jealousy is to do with the fear that something we consider ours might be taken away: we may fear the relationship we observe between our partners and a co-worker, or worry when our best friend starts to spend time with other people. Envy involves you and one other: it is the feeling of seeing something they have that you want. This reflection of what you wish you had can lead to feelings of inferiority and sadness.

We grow up believing that it’s not nice to feel envy; its archetypal roots and negative connotations weave through myth, fairy tale and even the Bible, with envious characters rarely faring well. In many cases, it becomes a disowned emotion, relegated to unconscious depths that offer temporary relief but contribute to a cycle of psychological projection, where we attribute our negative feelings to other people. In reality, we are faced with an increasingly online society where status, achievements, and relationships are uploaded through a one-sided filtered lens; leading us to compare lives rather than appreciate where we are. In truth, we all have moments of feeling envious. In your feeling of sadness your psyche is communicating to you, and if you are able to be open and engage in honest self-reflection, it may serve you well. What you find the most difficult to observe in others will often have some connection to what you desire or value the most, and offer clues as to where you may need to focus your own attention or work through feelings.

Is your emotional response showing you something that you wish for too? If so, maybe your own feelings of lack in this area are being reflected back to you. Whether it is related to career, interpersonal relationships or merely feeling good about yourself, it is essential to own and acknowledge your desire to have that which you find hard to see. If you are envious of a friend’s new job perhaps you are unhappy in your own; if you are envious of a work colleague’s relationship you might be feeling a lack of emotional connection and intimacy in your own life; if you feel sad when others seem happy, there might be a lot you don’t feel happy about right now.

It is sometimes helpful to think about what the object of your envy had to invest (be it time, hard work, or emotional energy) to achieve their success, this can help you to decode what you would have to implement on your own journey, and work with the things you can change. People rarely hold up their failures, but they are a very real component of any successful ending. Whichever social media platform is used we don’t often see the efforts people take to get to their success, only the final reward. Nobody is perfect, and you rarely see the object of your envy’s vulnerabilities or imperfections.

The strength of your negative feelings will largely depend on your own self-esteem. Other people don’t make us feel sad; the sadness you are feeling already exists somewhere inside of you, maybe it is even due to your own untapped potential. At the root, feelings of envy relate to how you feel about who you are. If you don’t feel worthy of success or feel like you are not doing well, then you are more likely to feel sad when you see it in others. Catching sight of what you would like to become but don’t feel worthy of can be a painful experience.

But what if you are successful in your own right yet still feel negatively impacted by the achievements of others? If this is the case, then it is likely that you are projecting your accomplishments onto others rather than owning them yourself. Maybe you struggle to feel good enough no matter how well you do. If you grew up in a household that taught you that it was wrong to be proud of your success, or if your victories weren’t positively acknowledged by your caregivers, your ability to hold onto and enjoy your own success might be negatively impacted. Similarly, If your sense of self-esteem is injured it doesn’t matter how well you do, how attractive you are, or what kind of car you drive, it won’t feel enough, and you will only see it reflected more in others. You may even be putting your own unconscious blocks in the way by believing that you are undeserving or not good enough. If at your core you feel bad about yourself, or inferior to others, your envy will be more painful. If you already carry a sense of shame, then the success of others will invariably bring you more pain, your internal frame of reference serving as a personal reminder of your feelings of inferiority.

Envy can feel primal and powerful because its roots often grow from internal wounds as a defence against negative self-image. The bigger your, the more envious you may feel, and the darkest shades of envy can lead to destructive behaviour towards yourself or others. If you are struggling with perpetual feelings of envy that you feel are interfering with your life, or your negative beliefs are based on feeling that you have to be the best, it is likely that you are carrying some internal pain. You might receive stronger and more long-lasting feelings of envy if you didn’t receive enough unconditional love in childhood, giving you the opportunity to internalise a healthy sense of self, instead relying on outer markers of “good enough”. In this case, it can be helpful to journey through your feelings with the help of a therapist who can help you to develop your self-esteem.

Opening up to feelings of envy honestly and openly can help you to examine how you really feel about yourself and acknowledge where your own wounds may be. After all, if you don’t appreciate your own worth how will you ever be able to enjoy your own success? If seeing someone do well causes you pain then it is beneficial to invest in some self-reflection work and to remember that there is always enough success to go around. Embrace your envy as an opportunity for self-growth, use it constructively and its force positively. A lack of decisive action towards your own desires will only further contribute to feelings of sadness. Do you feel important enough to work on your goals? Because your emotions are telling you that there needs to be an investment in you. Giving yourself permission to develop your sense of self-compassion, self-acceptance, and gratitude will help you to manage your feelings. As is often the case, the antidote is (self) love.

Laura is an Integrative Psychotherapist. She works in private practice and is based in Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK. Click on her image to see more about Laura.