Validation

Wanting validation from others is a natural and normal human need. Even the most grounded, independent, but also self-centered people need approval and human connections. Being sentenced to the isolation chamber in prisons is akin to a death sentence for most people. Humans, like most mammals, need to be connected and to belong to their tribe or they feel in danger. Sadly, this explains why some people can’t stand being alone and stay in bad relationships.

The Developmental Journey

Attunement is the fertiliser for the self. Validation is the fertiliser for the soul.

From infancy, children depend on feedback from their caregivers to know that they are safe and belong fully to their family and conclude that their existence matters, that’s validation! Oftentimes, when a parent neglects a child or reacts inappropriately to his emotions, due to their own preoccupation with themselves, or due to illness, alcohol, or depression, the child doesn’t feel a correct attunement, such as being seen, heard and protected and therefore doesn’t feel securely bonded to the parent.

In a normal developmental journey, children with time cease to need their parents’ validation. Adolescents strive to find their marks in peer groups (and even from gangs or cults) or get feedback from mentors. They challenge parental authority and even do the opposite of what it asked of them, just to assert their volition and identity, which I call counter-dependency. This phase helps adolescents rip themselves from their family of origin and start their journey towards independence.

Individuation is a natural process: birds kick their fledglings out of the nest so they learn to develop their innate ability to fly. When validation is lacking, children may develop an insecure attachment style, a dependence on others to feel OK. To remedy this need, their relationships will be part of lifelong strategies to get that dose of validation they missed out on as children. Failure to develop one’s own independent self is the core component of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It stems from deficiencies in early childhood bonds and attachment. Some family systems even prevent their children from individuating, which shapes dependent adults who have in constant need for external validation, and who are willing to ignore their own needs, a sign of codependency.

Codependency is often the result of developmental trauma that caused a person's maturity or psychic development to stay frozen in time. If the relationship to the primary caregiver didn’t feel solid and safe, or if the child wasn’t encouraged to grow up into a separate individual, the scared insecure inner child will not grow up and keep waiting for parental validation to come. Then she is stuck in a family pattern of enmeshment, where she angrily expects the caregiver to make her feel good and whole. This can last a lifetime. She is bitter because she doesn’t feel free to think and care for herself, always hoping for others to step up, demanding long overdue, but now obsolete, validation. In the young person’s mind, the urge to become an independent adult cohabits with the longing to receive approval from family members. This inner conflict creates a painful inner tug of war and brings up possible feelings of inadequacy and shame. And inter-psychically she also feels the pain of rejection by peers: with her constant and unmet demands for validation from others, she becomes disappointed in people as they will never validate her perfectly enough, and surely not as well as the idealised caregiver of her youth. She becomes disconnected from her peers and her demands for inclusion are rejected. Her only ‘crime’ is craving validation, which peers may see as vulnerability and can lead to bullying or exile from the group. This issue is just one of a development anachronism.

It's one thing to like attention, it’s another to demand validation, to resort to anger or even end a relationship when your needs are not met exactly how you want it, because there is a lot at stake, as validation is a core human need. That anger can be a sign of dependence on others in order to feel ok. So a dependent person truly suffers when she’s not seen and heard by others, because in her child’s brain, the absence of validation equates to a lack of acknowledgment of her existence, resulting in an experience of neglect and abandonment.

Connection and Independence

How can humans meet their needs for connections without losing their independent sense of self? How can they keep developing their own identity, personal choice-making, and self-reliance? Getting unstuck is possible, with curiosity, patience, and self-compassion. The work is to redirect inwardly the [external] need for validation from others. First, be curious about who you are, list your strengths and your weaknesses as honestly as you can, acknowledge the good and not so good, but don’t attack yourself. Imagine a good friend describing you with kindness, compassion, maybe with a little humor. What would they say about you? You are worthy of unconditional love. Knowing Who You Are does not mean being boastful or arrogant, on the contrary, it means having ease with yourself and being your ally, your best friend. This new kind of voice is choosing you and taking a big leap of faith into Who You Are, it’s developing your sense of self. This should free you from the tyranny of wanting external validation. It’s accepting your strengths but also your limitations, it is taking an honest inventory of who you are, with the utmost compassion. As the saying goes: “We are not responsible for how we got down, but we are for getting ourselves back up !” It gives us space and flexibility in relationships as we can take in feedback more easily, as the need for others to define us is gone. Because now, we get to decide our worth on our own terms. Nothing and no one can affect our core.

It takes time to see ourselves with our own eyes and discover our values and live them out. Like a good mother would for her child, we need to develop a tolerance for our errors and shortcomings. It is essential to validate ourselves, attend to our needs, and this will feel strange or even dangerous, but that’s precisely what we need to learn to grow up.

We take baby steps on this new path that we walk alone, we can practice ‘not knowing’ who we are, and tolerate some discomfort, even fear of thinking and choosing for ourselves. Please don’t attack yourself as you walk this delicate human journey. Being hard on yourself will only make you a bitter, not a better person! Showing others a bad image of yourself may invite them to treat you poorly. Better to exhibit some self-respect, appreciation, and compassion for yourself. That is not self-righteousness: a feeling that we are better than others, it is owning with humility that we are just trying to catch up in confidence with those who were properly validated as children. Taking in compliments is fine, it is an affirming ego boost to your self-esteem, but honest self-assessment and validation, are better for your moral, and others’ around you.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay