Is Your Self-image Holding You Back In Therapy?

What comes to mind when you think of yourself as a person? Do you think of certain adjectives or labels? How long have these labels been with you? How threatened do you feel if you had to describe yourself as quite the opposite?

Most of us don't know what to really expect in a therapy session before actually being in one, and sometimes even after being in one. When I came across Fritz Perls’ idea that most of the clients do not come to therapy to cure their neurosis but to actually reinforce it, I was confused until I really noticed it. Many clients come to therapy with a certain self-image, a really rigid one, because thinking of themselves beyond that one seems threatening. They might come to the sessions to reinforce that image of themselves while acting as an “ideal” and "receptive" client. To be fair, this is all an unconscious protective mechanism. It's so unconscious that if you are reading this and thinking, “Oh, this is definitely not me”, you probably might be.

This delays the process of actual therapeutic work, as every question, every reflection put across is answered from this self-image rather than from honesty. Maybe the honesty feels threatening. Maybe it feels like the ground beneath will give way if they don’t cling to the familiar narrative.

The main issue is: real therapy work can only happen with the real client. And the real client often doesn’t show up until the self-image softens. That’s why the first few sessions usually go into creating safety, so that the client can experiment with letting go of that rigid picture and learn to answer from honesty. Sometimes it takes more than a few sessions, and that’s okay.

This is one of the most subtle and powerful resistances clients bring into therapy. No “self” can be that rigid, but the tighter we cling to the idea of ourselves, the more it costs us reality. And therapy without reality is just rehearsing a role that might feel safe, but does not create a meaningful change.

The moment therapy starts to deepen is usually not when a client gives the “right” answer or the “therapeutic” answer, but when they surprise themselves. When something slips out that doesn’t fit the story. When silence feels heavier than words. When they notice the contradiction in what they’re saying. That’s when the self-image loosens, and something real begins to happen. And it takes time; we start the therapy process anew.

So if you are a client reading this and wondering what you can do: notice when you’re protecting a self-image rather than speaking from honesty. It's not a flaw or something wrong, but just an overextension of a protective mechanism where it is probably not required. Therapy doesn’t need the “ideal” you, or the “good" you or the "know-it-all" you. It needs you. That’s where the real work begins.