Lunch with the Superego

I was recently having lunch with a friend, catching up, making usual conversation. She told me that for her upcoming trip to Europe, she had prepared an itinerary for the group she was travelling with, selecting and making reservations at various restaurants in each city that they would be visiting. I made eye contact, pulled together an impressed affect, and exclaimed “Wow, that must have been a lot of work!” I was then struck by her reaction – her eyes went left, then right and then closed, with her head following along with smaller degrees of movement. Her lips pursed together while she shook her head slightly but sharply from left to right. She then blurted out as if confessing a heinous crime, “It’s more that I’m a control freak!” as she nervously chuckled with a smile, manifesting anxiety that was visible to me but probably not registered by her.

Whenever I tell people I meet that I’m a psychiatrist, many will joke, “Oh, I bet you’re analyzing me right now!” Of course, I wasn’t, until they said that. Then it crosses my mind that behind their joke there is a fear of being judged, that they are then projecting onto me. At that moment I’m not so much analyzing them as they are enacting a transference with me, but their fear soon becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy! Even then, my thought is not a “judgment”. Psychotherapists often attempt to discern healthy from unhealthy thoughts or behaviors, but the term judgment presently has a negative connotation that makes its meaning closer to “devaluation”, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

If anything, I may feel empathy or sadness that this person is housing such a harsh and critical figure (or superego) in their minds. Indeed, with many people, “analysis” is easily perceived as judgmental, so distinguishing observation from judgment can be crucial. An interpretation of a defence, for example, should never come with a judgmental smile, as if the patient has been “caught in the act”, but a pained affect that implores - “why do this to yourself?” The situation in the first paragraph triggers a similar sentiment.

Sitting with my friend hearing about her trip-planning abilities, I had feelings of admiration. She had put in time and effort - yes, for herself - but also for her friends, organizing and planning the logistics of an expensive trip to make sure it would be money well spent. I would be grateful to anyone who did that for a trip I was taking, and I especially would not want to deal with the pressure of such a task. However, when I made my admiration known with a compliment, she could not accept. Whether or not she is right about being a control freak misses the forest for the trees. She immediately took the positive coming from my side of the table, and reversed it to criticize herself. At the same time, her eyes closed and darted away, distancing from me, and she shook her head from side to side, as if to say “NO! I will not receive your compliment!” because, for whatever reason, positivity and good feelings are forbidden. As if pride at a job well done is a shameful thing to be hidden away! Her reaction was doubly self-defeating: she deprived herself of that positive feeling and created distance with me in one fell swoop. Her expressions, changing from millisecond to millisecond, were automatic. Or one might even dare to say, unconscious.

If this occurred in a therapy session, it would be the therapist’s duty to point out the destructive nature of this person’s unconscious interpersonal habits. Such an intervention would only be helpful, however, if the person has agreed to explore herself and the unconscious habits she employs, and to let the therapist explore these parts with her. Without that license to explore and observe, the therapy is useless, or even worse, harmful, as the therapist becomes an external representation of the patient’s superego. Without the agreement and permission for the task of exploring, any observation or interpretation is “judgment” and will cause further damage to an already traumatized individual.

Now my friend is not depressed, but she certainly could be if she carries on like this. It is amazing to me that some people can have severely punitive superegos and not be clinically depressed. Why or when she developed this punitive superego, I can’t say. And I hope she forgives me for “analyzing”, but it is clear, striking and evokes the sentiment – “why do this to yourself?”