Reflection on Kindness
Kindness originates in our earliest relationships. Object relations theory, as a process of psychic development through relationships with others, explains how maternal kindness is foundational to healthy attachments.
On Kindness is an exploration of one of the greatest pleasures in life, putting another person’s needs above one’s own. Phillips and Taylor (2009) draw on historical foundations of religion and philosophy to argue that kindness is intrinsically part of being human, and yet it is inundated with paradox. Kindness is a complex social exchange. Although most people find that offering kindness is incredibly satisfying, many admit to being less kind than they feel they should be. Both offering and receiving it require empathy and vulnerability and expose the reality that we are far more dependent on relationships than we may like to believe. Confronting kindness also requires that we deal with ambivalence; if someone can be kind, they can also be cruel. Acts of unsentimental kindness can come as bribes or carry the weight of indebtedness, revealing that others might not be as kind as we need them to be. Self-preservation leads to skepticism. Self-interest even confuses our intention to be kind to others. And yet, genuine acts of kindness connect us to one another in a way that satisfies an innate longing for intimacy. Therefore, in kindness, we find it both uncomfortable and deeply meaningful; we both crave and fear it.
Kindness originates in our earliest relationships. Object relations theory, as a process of psychic development through relationships with others, explains how maternal kindness is foundational to healthy attachments. At the primary level, the infant’s survival depends on the mother’s ability to put her child’s needs above her own. This dependence on the primary caregiver is filled with unbearable frustration until the child learns that the same person to deliver the frustration also delivers gratification. In Kleinian terms, this is known as the depressive position. This theory claims that self-identity develops through the recognition that one is simultaneously connected to and separate from the mother. By enduring the painful separation and facing the reality of having an imperfect mother, the child learns self-reliance and tolerance for frustration. This mother-infant relationship is arguably the most influential aspect of attachment style in adult relationships. We learn that our need for kindness from others is never fully satisfied, and as we develop, this need is projected onto objects.
Phillips and Taylor argue that object relations theory illuminates the psychological underpinnings of kindness in adulthood. We are relational beings who depend on each other despite self-preservation instincts that tell us they cannot be trusted. While we deeply crave the love and acceptance from others, we also know that they might let us down. We have a longing for something which is never fully satisfied, the feeling of unconditional care and concern we once knew in infancy before the world became a hostile place. This theoretical model provides an excellent framework for understanding why acts of kindness are so complex and deeply felt. After reading On Kindness, I reflected on my experiences of kindness in several different contexts; in my friendships, in therapy, in political discourse, and in our culture at large.
I’ve noticed a pattern in my own relationships; a need to be needed. I often find myself in friendships that are ripe with opportunities for me to express care and concern. I crave meaningful connections and find that authentic expressions of empathy and understanding deepen the quality of relationships. However, I’ve noticed that sometimes when I sacrifice my own needs to help a friend, my personal boundaries can unravel. Working with the shadow side of my capacity for intimate connection has meant that I confront the selfish aspect of my desire to feel needed. I’ve also learned to deal with the expectations and frustrations from those who have become reliant, or even dependent, on my friendship and have become aggravated when I am unavailable. I also recognize that in other relationships and for different reasons, I am the one that has a greater need for emotional support. I truly believe that we all need one another, and while vulnerability opens us up to the possibility of suffering, it is also essential for gratifying our desire for intimacy. The new understanding of kindness I have gained from reading Phillip and Taylor’s work has increased my awareness of what my needs are in friendship and how deeply rooted the emotional frustrations are when relationship needs are not met.
In therapy, I have received what feels like a limitless supply of kindness and positive regard. I’ve realized that one of the reasons why the therapeutic relationship is such a nurturing environment is because the attention and care are entirely directed at me and it feels as though there is nothing I can say or do that will cause my therapist to abandon me. I feel as though he can handle whatever I share and that I don’t need to say it in a way that makes him feel good. I am on the receiving end of a great deal of kindness. My secrets are kept safe, and although my faults are exposed I am still treated as worthy of unconditional love. The high regard that my therapist holds me in and the patience and tolerance he extends to me has been deeply felt and transformative to my inner dialogue and relationship to self. In our conversations, I sense a genuine intention to offer me only what I need at the time I am ready rather than a slew of wisdom and advice that he shares for his own gratification. In therapy, I can securely rely on a level of kindness that often feels absent in the world.
In these times of political turmoil, it seems as though there is a tremendous void of kindness in our public discourse. From partisan journalism to cyberbullying, it feels as though the public dialogue is no place for the weary. Object relations theory reveals the paradox of being separate but interconnected. I wonder how this reality is experienced in political conversations.
My view is that the longing to be seen, understood, and tolerated has led increasingly to a tribe-like mentality of us-versus-them. Phillips and Taylor argue that although we become suspicious of those who extend kindness to us, we are outraged when it is absent. The differences of political views, especially between family and friends, can be so intolerable that it furthers the distance between individuals rather than creating connection. When we learn to be secure in our convictions, while remaining open to new ideas and possibilities, we can extend kindness to others who have radically different ideas through tolerating the separation that exists and experiencing one another without the need to change them.
In Western society, individualism is seen as a virtue, and kindness is often viewed as a weakness. In capitalist systems, our need for connection and validation are exploited for profit by markets that prey on insecurities and fantasy. The message sent in a consumer society is that we are not good enough as we are. If and when we acquire the money, the house, the friends, the vacation, the prestigious job, the designer wardrobe, and so on, then we will be worthy of acceptance. This makes the world a very unkind place. It feels as though our paradoxical desires for individualism and connection are pitted against one another for the perfect storm of inner conflict that can easily be pacified with more consumption; placation from the dread of inadequacy. I think one of the most powerful things we can do as psychologists is to contextualize suffering in a world that profits from our vulnerabilities. Part of why we feel inadequate and in need of kindness has to do with forces outside of our control, and part of it is simply innate to the human condition. The kindness we can freely offer ourselves and one another is a safe haven from a world that aims to blind us rather than heal us from the pain of 6 imperfection. Kindness sends the message that we are enough just as we are; the ultimate protest against consumer society.
Phillips and Taylor wrote that kindness is the richest resource because it comes from a place of hope and abundance. The world can be a hostile place and people can be greedy, cruel, and unkind. And yet, we each take a sympathetic interest in each other which allows us to be one another’s most powerful resource. No man is an island. We are constantly tempted to include ourselves in another’s experience and we feel delighted when we are let in. Although vulnerable and painful, empathizing with our fellow beings is possibly the greatest gift we have. It satisfies our deepest desire and is abundantly available within.
References
Phillips, A. & Taylor, B. (2009). On Kindness. Ferrar, Straus & Giroux.
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