Parenting Advice For "Out Of Control" Teenagers

As a therapist working with children and families, I have heard many parents express concerns sounding something like this: “My child used to be sweet, kind, helpful, and open. But lately, they have been shut down, angry, acting out, staying in their room all the time, and even verbally abusing me. I’ve tried my best to enforce limits, but nothing works anymore. I’m exhausted, frustrated and at my wit's end. Help!”

In many of these cases the parents clearly love their children and have tried to enforce rules as best as they know how. However, they themselves rarely had perfect childhoods, and may have grown up in families that used the “silent treatment,” guilt trips, rage, or other forms of emotional manipulation. Without strong, healthy parenting models to draw from, parents often find themselves at a loss while trying to handle their own teens.

When I meet with the teenager, a familiar picture begins to take shape. The teen wants closeness with the parent, but feels that previous attempts to share feelings or needs have met with resistance. After a period of growing frustration, the teen now feels angry and resentful, expressing their pent-up emotions in increasingly destructive ways. The painful cycle often begins when child comes to a parent with a feeling, concern, thought, or request, and the parent responds in one of these ways:

Parenting Bloopers - (result in the child getting angry or shutting down)

1) Over-investigate – ask too many probing questions (child feels judged)

2) Blame – point out where the child made mistakes (child feels shamed)

3) Deny – tell the child their feelings are wrong (child feels unheard)

4) Ignore – fail to really engage with the child (child feels unseen)

Example: Your child comes home, drops their backpack and says, “School sucks.”

1) Over-investigating – Why do you say that? What happened? Was it the other kids? Were they bullying you again? Was it Tommy? Or did you fail your biology test? Etc…

2) Blaming – Well, no wonder it sucks. You slept in so late you had to rush out the door and didn’t have time for breakfast. You need to set your alarm earlier and make time to eat something healthy.

3) Denying – School doesn’t suck; it’s just your attitude that sucks. You need to suck it up. I had it much worse when I was a kid. You have it easy.

4) Ignoring – (Parent says nothing, doesn’t look at the child, continues what they were doing.)

When the child feels judged, shamed, unheard or unseen, this can quickly spiral into further disconnect and frustration because the child no longer feels safe to come to the parent for comfort, guidance or support. The child now either internalizes his/her frustration (through closing himself/herself in their room, getting lost on their phone or video games, refusing to talk, not eating, shutting down, saying she/he’s ugly) or externalizes it (through acting out, yelling, skipping classes, abusing substances, etc.) When this happens multiple times over the course of weeks, months or even years, the result can be full-out fighting or complete non-speaking terms. Either outcome is a tragedy, especially because, deep down, both parties often want nothing more than to feel one another’s love and connection. So what can be done?

The following strategies provide an emotionally safe environment where your child may feel more comfortable opening up and sharing. And the more they share with you, the less they will need to vent their frustration in destructive ways. Try any combination of the following.

Parenting Openers - (results in child sharing more and connecting more with parent)

1) Reflecting – Put in your own words what you just heard them say without your opinion.

2) Understanding/Validating – Let them know you can understand why they might feel that way.

3) Comforting – Let them know you care and don’t want them to suffer or feel bad.

4) Supporting – Let them know that you’re there for them if they want to talk.

5) Loving – For children who seek it, offer words or gestures of love and affection

6) Connecting – Find something simple to do together with your child

7) Encouraging/Acknowledging – Offer praise or gratitude for efforts you’ve seen them make.

Example: Child comes home, drops backpack and says, “School sucks.”

1) Reflecting – Sounds like you’ve had a rough day. (Continue to use as the child begins to share more.)

2) Understanding/Validating – Yeah, that does sound frustrating. I can understand why you’d be annoyed. (Use in combination with reflecting)

3) Comforting – I’m sorry you’ve been going through that. (Use sparingly, as some kids do not want to be “pitied.”)

4) Supporting – I’m here if you want to talk about it. If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know. (Good to use if the child seems resistant to sharing more.)

5) Loving – Would you like a hug? (Good for younger kids or for teens who still enjoy affection)

6) Connecting – Would you like to make a snack with me, and we can eat it on the back porch? (Good strategy when used with some of the above tools to help the child open up more, and not as a way to distract from the issue.)

7) Encouraging – I’ve been proud of how you’ve been setting your own alarm and getting to school on your own, even when you’ve been tired. (Especially good when used after reflecting and understanding)

These responses might seem to leave little room for (what we might assume to be) “real parenting,” such as advice, correction and guidance. However, as you may have discovered, you can give all the best advice to a person, but until they directly ask for it, all your thoughtful words of wisdom will likely fall on deaf ears or, worse yet, create more defence.

What if these attempts don’t work?

When you first begin to change your approach, your teen might initially feel suspicious. What got into dad? Why is he suddenly acting weird? Don’t worry – this stage is normal. If your teen asks you directly why you’re acting differently, and you’re up for the challenge, you can say something like, “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you lately, and I’m trying to learn ways to be a better parent.” Then, if you’re really feeling ready to do some major healing work, you can add, “If you have any suggestions for me, I’m open to learning.” If you ask this, be prepared for an onslaught of criticism! As it all comes pouring out, remember that this is GOOD. This is not a problem. It’s essential for healing. The child has already been holding all these things inside, and it is much healthier for them to get these feelings in the open rather than hiding them, where you have no control. Try your best at this moment not to defend yourself or revert back to the ineffective methods listed above, as this would only further drive your child away. Instead, for example, if she says:

1) “You can stop harassing me to finish my homework.” Your first instinct might be to say something like, “I’m not harassing you; I’m just trying to help.” (Blaming and denying) Instead, try something like “Sounds like you’d like me to step back and give you more space around your homework.” (Reflecting)

2) If your child says, “You don’t care; no matter what I say, you’re not going to listen.” Instead of saying, “That’s not true, I’m standing right here asking you!” (Denying), try saying, “Sounds like you don’t trust that I’ll really hear you. I can understand why that would make it hard to talk to me.” (Reflecting and validating).

3) If your child says, “I feel like you’re always mad at me. Like last night when I didn’t finish cleaning the dishes, you yelled at me instead of just asking me to finish them.” Instead of responding with something like “I wasn’t yelling at you” (denying) or “I’d already asked you to do them five times!”(Blaming) try saying, “I’m hearing that you’d like me to ask you more calmly, without yelling. Thanks for telling me that. I can imagine it wouldn’t feel very motivating to be yelled at. I’ll work on that. And by the way, I’ve been grateful for the way that you’ve been helping with the housework lately. (Reflecting, validating, encouraging.)

At first, your teen’s responses may come across as very cold, critical or angry. At this point, you might feel frantic, that you’re losing control or letting your child “get away with” too much. Try to breathe, knowing that just the opposite is occurring. You are regaining a healthy sense of control by understanding the situation more clearly and helping your teen express himself or herself.

In fact, the longer you can continue to practice the positive responses and avoid the negative ones, the more likely your teen will begin to reveal a more vulnerable side and may eventually say something like, “I miss the way we used to talk after school.” “I wish we were closer.” “I feel lonely.” “I’m sad that dad left.” Or something of that nature. When the teen reveals these thoughts and feelings, this is the most critical time to practice reflecting and validating, as any denying or blaming will likely cause your teen to close right back up and go back into defence mode.

If your teen refuses to talk, be patient and continue giving them the space they need while engaging with them using the above tools. Eventually, you will have an “opening.” Practice seeing every comment they make, whether happy, angry or neutral (but especially the angry comments), as opportunities to understand your teen better. And, of course, helping connect them with a therapist can give your child a chance to share their feelings and thoughts and get further support in a non-biased, professional environment.

Parenting a teenager provides endlessly humbling opportunities to pay attention to our words, emotions, and reactions. By avoiding common parenting bloopers and practising parenting openers, we may find that our teen turns to us more often or is more likely to share the good things in their lives, ultimately building trust, fostering connection, and bringing joy back into the home.

By Sasha Silverman M.Ed

Sasha Silverman M.Ed. has worked with adolescents and teenagers for over 20 years. She has served as director of student support at a high school, created programming for at-risk youth, and taught English internationally to students in Ghana and Japan. When her children became teens, she returned to school to earn her master's in counselling. She now especially enjoys offering family sessions and helping parents and their children learn more effective communication methods. Sasha currently works as an outpatient therapist at Anchor Points Counseling in Huntingdon Valley, PA.