How To Manage Expectations In The Mother-Daughter Relationship

The relationship between a mother and daughter is complex. It can be characterised by care and support, yet at other times it can be challenging with expectations and conflicts.

Mothers and daughters often carry a set of spoken and unspoken expectations that shape their interactions and influence their relationship. These expectations can be a source of strength, creating a beautiful bond.

This article explores the expectations that mothers and daughters have of each other, delving into the dynamics that make this relationship unique.

Expectations can also be a source of misunderstanding and tension. These might include a daughter who questions why her mother is not interested in seeing her grandchildren, or a mother who wonders if her daughter will mess up her new relationship “just like her previous relationships”.

Mother-daughter relationships are often idealised as a wonderful friendship between a mum and her daughter, catching up at a café, spending time together for a massage or beauty treatment, sharing secrets, and having girly fun. Clients I see in my private practice compare their friends’ close relationships to their difficult relationship with their mother or daughter.

They feel a loss in their lives because they don’t experience what they see others experiencing. Past disagreements or unresolved issues create emotional distance between mothers and daughters, leading to feelings of being undervalued, underappreciated, and disregarded in their relationship with each other.

One of the tensions that I often see with clients is the expectations of a woman in the caregiving role, the belief that it is a woman’s duty to be a caretaker to her mother and the extended family and that this is to be done in a selfless and self-sacrificing way.

The expectation is that a daughter will care for her mother, and each daughter will care for the previous generation. The belief is that it is a woman’s role to nurture, support, and care for others, constantly giving of herself to others—until her well runs dry.

When expectations are unfulfilled, disappointment steps in, and resentment can take hold, fuelling the conflict. Brene Brown said, “Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointments.”

The complex dynamics between mothers and daughters often involve managing different expectations, which can lead to hurt feelings. A daughter might assume that her mother will care for the grandchildren. A mother has dreams for her own life now that she has brought her children to adulthood and is sensing a newfound freedom.

This mismatch in expectations creates tension. Neither feel heard or understood. They feel criticised, judged, and dismissed. Their needs are minimised. We may think we’re listening to the other person, but sometimes, we listen to defend our position. Therapist and author Esther Perel said, “Listen, just listen. You don’t have to agree. Just see if you can understand that there’s another person who has a completely different experience of the same reality.”

Effective communication is key to bridging this gap. Both women need to express their needs and preferences openly. Mothers can share their dreams and goals, while daughters can convey their need for family closeness.

Author and therapist F. Diane Barth commented, “In adulthood, it is helpful to think of your mother or your daughter not as someone who is supposed to do anything, but as you would a friend, whose limitations are something you accept as part of her personality. A friend might disappoint you for any of a number of reasons, but you are likely to cut her some slack if you think it is because she is having difficulties in her own life, or because she is extremely busy with things other than you, or because she simply cannot do something the way you’d like her to do it. Thinking of your mother or your daughter in this way makes it easier not to take her behaviour personally - in other words, not to make it about you - and can improve the chances that the relationship will continue to be meaningful for both of you.”

There will be things that you won’t agree with and other things that you will be grateful for. Valuing these traits and having mutual respect will protect your relationship in the long run.

One of the challenges I encounter in my work with mothers and adult daughters is the issue of mind-reading. This involves the expectation that we know someone so well that we can assume what they are thinking and feeling. This leads to miscommunication and misunderstandings causing you both to feel unheard or dismissed. It’s best to ask what their thoughts are, what they are feeling, in order to understand them better.

The key to a healthy mother-daughter relationship lies in managing expectations through open communication, empathy, and flexibility.

Open Communication

Every mother and daughter experiences disagreements. These can lead to feelings of frustration, guilt, and anger. Each of you should feel free to express your needs, desires, and concerns. It's crucial to maintain open communication to prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings in the future. Avoid assuming what the other person is thinking. Instead, speak honestly and clearly, and with kindness. This openness helps prevent misunderstandings and allows for the negotiation of expectations in a way that respects both of you.

Empathy and Understanding

Empathy plays a crucial role in navigating expectations. Both mothers and daughters need to put themselves in each other’s shoes to understand the underlying motivations and fears that drive their expectations. This mutual understanding can foster a more supportive and nurturing relationship. Mothers and daughters can learn a lot from each other. It's important to recognise and value generational differences, as each generation brings its own insights and knowledge.

Focus on what the other does right. And tell her – speak it and write it, so she can save it for later and savour it.

Flexibility and Compromise

Flexibility is essential in adapting to changing circumstances, needs, and the life cycle of the family. Both mothers and daughters must be willing to adjust their expectations and find a middle ground. Compromise ensures that the relationship can grow and evolve without causing undue stress or resentment.

Offer Advice when Asked, Otherwise Just Listen

Listening creates effective communication, and your relationship will become stronger. When someone shares their thoughts or problems, they want to feel heard and understood, not immediately given solutions. Giving advice without being invited comes across as dismissive or patronising, as though one person believes they know better than the other person. An invisible wall goes up, creating a barrier that leads to feelings of frustration or inadequacy. Your connection with the other person will shut down.

Problem-solving can wait, just pause and listen.

Actively listening can reveal issues that may not be immediately apparent. A person needs space to process and reflect on what is going on for them and may want to bounce ideas off you, so by focusing on understanding your mother or daughter, rather than fixing, and using active listening - fully concentrating, understanding, responding and remembering what is said while showing genuine interest, providing feedback, and withholding judgment - you can offer more thoughtful and relevant advice when it is requested. Yes, there is a lot to it. Building strong relationships requires practice and patience.

Seek Professional Help

If you are facing challenges in your relationship, it may be time to seek a professional who specialises in Mother-Daughter Relationships.

I can help you figure out what’s going on and build a stronger, healthier relationship. Let me support you in your journey to move forward. I work with Mothers and Daughters either individually or as a pair.

Every relationship requires both parties' effort, understanding, and compassion to thrive and grow. The relationship between a mother and daughter is continuously developing and adapting and is influenced by a multitude of expectations from both sides. While these expectations can sometimes lead to conflict, they also have the potential to strengthen your bond with love, respect, and understanding. By navigating these expectations with empathy and open communication, you can build a fulfilling and enduring relationship for both of you.

If you want to learn more

In addition to the insights shared in this blog, there is a significant review of the theoretical and research literature by mother-daughter physicians Dr. Diane K. Shrier and Dr. Lydia A. Shrier, along with Dr. Margaret Tompsett. Their work, titled “Adult Mother–Daughter Relationships: A Review of the Theoretical and Research Literature,” examines the mother-adult-daughter relationship during the longest period of a woman’s life, from the end of adolescence to old age. This review was undertaken as part of an ongoing research study, offering an in-depth analysis of the dynamics and complexities of this crucial relationship.