How To Help A Person Going Through A Loss

This article is about my personal experience when I lost my father last week to a very short illness in the second week of December this year 2021. It explains what you should do and say to help someone who is grieving. Through my experience, this is what I want done, what cheered me and gave meaning to my family and me through the experience

How It Began

It all began with a phone call from my stepmother that my father was not feeling well and required to be rushed to the hospital. That was around five in the morning. I hadn’t fully woken up. It was on a Sunday; so I would wake up take a shower and prepare to go to church. I am a preacher. When this call came I abandoned all the plans to do with church and hopped into my car. My wife offered to accompany me and she was more than welcome. Due to my upbringing, we didn’t have this close relationship with my dad and all along for several years, I had been trying to mend the fences – unsuccessfully. We weren’t enemies but at the same time, we weren’t buddies.

When I reached his place of residence I found him unconscious. He was lying on his bed. We tried as much as we could to put him into the back seat of the car. With the help of some good neighbours, we succeeded. At the hospital, the nurses at the outpatient desk ran various tests through him. The blood pressure was fatally higher than normal. He was finding it hard to breathe. They fixed a nebuliser on him to assist him in breathing. He was immediately rushed to the male ward and admitted. He couldn’t breathe on his own so they put him on oxygen.

We watched over him for the whole of that day. As we were leaving the hospital, the medics said that he needed specialised attention. He needed to go to the ICU ward. The doctors allowed us some time to do some consultations so that we could meet the financial requirements before he could be admitted to the ICU ward. It is during these transactions that my father passed on. That was on Tuesday. Sunday Monday and Tuesday he passes on. That was very sudden; much unexpected.

What Followed

The news hit us like a sledgehammer. I was completely disoriented. My mind became blank. I tried to go through the Kubler Ross stages of grief but they did not make sense to me. I didn’t know what to do or even where to begin. The same members whom I had called to solicit for funds to facilitate for ICU operations, would I go back to them again that our father had passed on; and we would now be meeting to start preparing for the funeral?

It was too much. At his death bed was my stepmother, my wife, my step sister and me. When we departed from the hospital and to our different homes reality started setting in. the words my wife said made me realise the importance of the company. She had sent messages to her friends informing them what had transpired. At home, there was no one else apart from our children.

“Nobody thought of coming over here even if it is to give us a word of consolation?” She asked forlornly. That is when I realised that the death of my father had hit her as hard as it had hit me; if not harder. They were close and on very good talking terms.

What You Should Do

If and when you hear that someone has lost a loved one rush to her or his home as fast as you can. Leave everything else you are doing and take care of them. Find out if they need anything; any assistance. Go to the kitchen and prepare something for them. Wash the dishes for them. Do the laundry work for them. If they have cows that they milk or any farm work, for that matter do it for them. Just be there for them. Be their hands. Be their feet. Do errands for them. Do shopping for them. They require as much assistance as they can get and as you can give. Above everything else be cheerful. Do not be gloomy. Cheer them up.

Do not fear asking them to recount what happened. I realised that the more I kept on talking about how sudden my father’s death was and how it pained me and how it happened, it sort of made me feel better. It normalised the feelings and the situations. Never ever think that you are tiring the person as they give account. It is cathartic. It is therapeutic.

In case you cannot visit them, please make that phone call. It means the world to them. And as they explain to you what happened, give them your ear. The farther away from their home the phone call is the sweeter it is. It shows how concerned you are. If there is anything that is edifying it is to realise that someone else somewhere is concerned about what you are going through. It builds your faith in humanity.

Finances

Apart from physical presence and social and emotional support, fiscal support is very important. Death is an emergency any time it happens. Nobody is prepared for it. If you are good at fundraising take up the mantle and ensure that the family does not have to deal with the financial challenge of wondering how to raise money for funeral expenses.

Walk with the family every step of the journey. If you are in a position organise debriefing sessions for the family members. From my personal experience that is what I found most enriching

Rev. Kamau Muchira Macharia | Counselling Psychologist | Wang’uru – Kenya