How to communicate more effectively with your partner

“How did you know?” the man looked at me in astonishment. “That is exactly what is happening!”

A middle-aged couple sat in front of me in my office, and both of them seemed to be finding it very hard to say anything. So, I decided to break the ice by describing some of the most common problems that people have when they come to see me.

In essence, what causes most marriage breakdowns and divorces starts with a deterioration of the underlying friendship that is at the heart of a long relationship. Long-term research*(1) has found that this damage is done in little daily moments of neglect, eventually leading to a cascade of tensions and high emotion that ends with either escalating conflict or partners increasingly feeling and acting like strangers.

The Three Behaviours that Heal

Focus on Solutions

Things that Help

References

The Three Behaviours that Heal

The start of this process is the neglect of everyday things essential to maintaining the relationship's health. I call these things ‘the three behaviours that heal’.

They are:

• Attention in the form of regularly listening to your partner talk about whatever they want to, with your full attention;
  
• Affection: lack of small gestures of affection was found to lead to partners becoming, over time, like strangers;
  
• Focusing on the positives in your partner and in the relationship.

When a relationship is struggling, people often search for answers, online and off, and the advice they are most likely to come across is to work on improving the communication. Unfortunately, in many cases this advice is interpreted in a way that leads to repeated attempts to talk about problems in the relationship.

Focus on Solutions

Unfortunately, this focus on problems can then become a problem in itself; after all people get together hoping for fun, romance, companionship and life-long friendship —not lots of problems!

This can lead to a pattern sometimes called ‘wife criticises, husband withdraws’. It is called this because in heterosexual relationships, that is most often the pattern: it is usually the wife who repeatedly and unsuccessfully attempts to talk about the difficulties and the husband who withdraws to the office, the pub or the garden shed.

I discuss the reason for this pattern and what can be done about it, in more detail in my book.* (3) It is a hugely, detrimental pattern that unfortunately just increases the problems.

Obviously, though, difficulties do sometimes need to be talked about, so how do you do it successfully?

Things that Help

These are things that can help:

• If possible, work on rebuilding the underlying friendship first using ‘the three behaviours that heal’ (listed above). If your partner feels unloved and neglected, they are always going to be less receptive to your concerns.
  
• Choose your time carefully, so not when they have just walked in the door or are tired and stressed.
  
• Many people find it easier to discuss differences shoulder to shoulder rather than face to face, for instance, while out for a walk, clearing up, or preparing a meal together.
  
• When stating the problem try to be specific and use ‘I statements’ plus emotion (see video link describing how to do this below).*(4) For example, “I feel scared when I look at our bank statements. I need us to find ways of managing our money better”.
  
• If your partner takes what you say personally, say, " I do not mean to criticise you; I want you to know how this (specific issue) is making me feel.
  
• Keep it short. Many people find these conversations stressful. Things rarely need to be solved immediately, so if possible state the problem and then go and do something else: give them time to think about it.

Going back to the couple at the beginning of this article, I answered the husband’s question by saying “Because these things are happening to everyone.” What I meant was that what I was describing were the most common difficulties and patterns of relationship breakdown.

By helping that couple understand the real, underlying issues and small, practical things that they could focus on to improve them, I was able to help them to move forward, find solutions, rebuild their relationship and create the positive, supportive home and family life they both wanted.

Ann Marie Taylor is a psychological counsellor who uses the human givens approach. *(5) She specialises in helping couples make their relationships work.

References

1) The Gottman Institute https://www.gottman.com/about/research/

2) A previous article: https://networkmagazine.ie/articles/study-love-exploring-relationships-gottman-method

3) My book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Steps-Lasting-Love-evidence-based-relationship/dp/1916255752

4) How to complain: https://youtu.be/bShsyKUFjKE?si=9mjX9L_HUZRfoCMo

5) Human Givens https://www.hgi.org.uk/