How to Become More Assertive

I’m constantly amazed by how often I hear people confuse assertive and aggressive responses. Our responses to challenging situations are often learnt behaviours so with effort can be adapted or unlearnt. So, if you run from challenging situations, let others take advantage of you and avoid conflict at all costs then you probably never learnt to practice assertive responses. It won't happen overnight but, by communicating well, you will slowly build up the confidence that you need to become assertive. You'll also likely find that you become more productive, efficient and get more respect from the people around you.

1. Value Yourself and Your Rights

To be more assertive, you need to gain a good understanding of yourself, as well as a strong belief in your inherent value & your value to your family and social circle and your colleagues. This self-belief is the basis of assertive behaviour. It will help you to recognize that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, give you the confidence to stick up for your rights and protect them, and remain true to yourself, your wants and your needs.

2. Voice Your Needs and Wants Confidently

If you're going to perform to your full potential, then you need to make sure that your priorities – your needs and wants – are met. Don't wait for someone else to recognize what you need. You might wait forever! Take the initiative and start to identify the things that you want now. Then, set goals so that you can achieve them.

3. Acknowledge That You Can't Control the Behaviour of Others

Don't make the mistake of accepting responsibility for how people react to your assertiveness. If they respond with anger or resentment it is very important that you do not blame yourself for this. Remember that you can only control your own behaviour, so do your best to stay calm and measured if things get tense.

4. Express Yourself in a Positive Way It's important to say what's on your mind, even when you have a difficult issue to deal with. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and to confront people who challenge you and/or your rights.

5. Learn to Say "No" Saying "No" is hard to do, especially when you're not used to doing it, but it's vital if you want to become more assertive. Know your own boundaries and limits. Know when you are taking on more and when you are being emotionally manipulated to do so. Trying to please all the people, all the time is the pathway to burnout and martyrdom.

6. Use Direct Communication Techniques Use "I" Statements, "I want", "I need," or "I feel" to convey basic assertions and get your point across firmly. I recommend these books to learn more: Feeling Good Together by Dr David Burns , (intimate relationships) and ‘ Conflict Management in the Workplace’ Shay & Margaret McConnon .

Aine Egan MIACP, accredited psychotherapist,